Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I feel utterly distraught and overwhelmed at the moment. I started a PhD recently and it's been a lot of new things and I have been feeling quite overwhelmed. I got some feedback from my supervisor that I should try to join in more socially and particularly join for lunch. I joined twice in the past but I find eating socially very difficult and find group situations difficult too so I had decided that it is just not a good idea to join for lunch at this point (I have had a lot of issues around food anyways, plus I have IBS, made worse by stress. I've been doing much better in terms of eating and food diversity, but I just need to be relaxed and alone for this at the moment. And unstructured group situations are really hard). At first I thought I could somehow meet my supervisor's request to join in more and join for lunch occasionally but I just feel so overwhelmed and already way over capacity and I can't do it right now. Not without severely impacting my ability to function and work. I also find the office environment almost impossible to work in as it is busy and noisy and I have only ever been able to properly focus on desk work from home. I now feel so guilty to do some work from home and kept trying to do more in the office but it just resulted in me getting nothing done and having a panic attack. Technically this could work very well, I live close to the lab so it's not really a problem for me to go home if I have longer stretches of desk work. A lot of the time I am doing experiments in which case I of course have to be in the lab. Though even for that I have had issues recently and sometimes I choose to work late or on weekends as it is quiet then and I can focus much better. After my supervisor's feedback about trying to be more social I have felt so inadequate. I have been socialising one on one and I have no problems at all talking to people at conferences about science. This is fine as it is my special interest and it's predictable. But somehow people seem to assume that because I currently cannot go have lunch with people or focus in a busy office that means that I am utterly incapable of all social interactions, including those essential for my work (like talking to collegues to share ideas or attending conferences and meeting people there). I spent most of the weekend crying because I feel so inadequate. I've worked in quite a few labs before and this has not come up as an issue and I made some very good and lasting friendships. But now I just feel so defective and broken.
And I just talked to one of my best friends about it and her response was that my supervisor's request is so reasonable and I need to work more on myself and push myself to join in and get used to the office. This makes me doubt myself even more. though I know from experience that what I need more than anything is some down time on MY OWN. I miss lockdown terribly- (apart from the fact that covid of course was not good at all), I really flourished during that time. My friend just now even said that she thinks I should find a different career (where I do not have to interact much with people) and not stay in academia- this makes me feel even worse. I am so confused. Deep down I know that I can be good at this and I just need to stand up for who I am and work in the way that works for me (which is what I did in the past). But I feel crippled by guilt and feelings of defectiveness so I keep trying to work in a way that doesn't work for me.
How do you explain to people that for an autistic person socialising is not something that gives energy and that not all social situations are equal? Ie Science discussion with a stranger that I do not know is perfectly fine but lunch with my group is too much?
I feel like such a failure and completely misunderstood- but I don't think I can change who I am?
I’m a little late on the uptake here, but I see the post now and have a mind on it, maybe it’ll be helpful to you at some point.
What is going on here is what I interpret as a depressive-attack and we all have them, we are all grapple-with and compressing our anxieties so effectively, that when we get to 90% we explode and all of that pressure is directed to where our walls are absent, downwards into the depths.As severe and shocking as these attacks are and seem, they go as quickly as they arrive, please be reassured that this is the case. It is good that you express your feelings so clearly and thoroughly for us to hear and understand, as it means that we have a better idea of you, it means that we can distract you and reassure you more-effectively. So you have not-failed in that regard nor are you easily-misunderstood to those who are actively-listening.
You are not-inadequate Ann, you are not fit-for-quitting because you friend is ill equipped to sooth you, you are not-unfit for development because your supervisor gives you jarring feedback. You know this too, you know that you are more than your more-intense moments, you are not-defective, your sameness is different to the majority’s sameness and that is all. You need to take your time and create a procedure, it will be easier if you can find a peer or mentor to follow and shadow, until you find a sameness that suits you. It is unfortunate that your supervisor cannot see that declaration and you are not well-suited, it is a shame that they cannot-think to help you in a non-declarative way. You were never going to have a good time of someone arbitrarily-stating that you should be more-sociable.
Your depressive-attacks will pass, following these attacks and not during, see if you cannot-work your interests and sensory-soothing measures into your day, make your world as small as you need it to be, make your steps as tectonic as you need to make them, maybe mosey-on-over to the student-union to ask a third-hand question that keeps you comfortable through the first ten-seconds of conversation at the front-desk.. and most-of-all keep us updated.. we want you to know that your getting some reassurance..
I used to be throughly-convinced that I was second-rate whilst I was trying to appease neurotypicals at Uni, I did things that I’m still-traumatised about to get through, and no one stopped to consider that I needed support.. but it is there and you deserve to have equal-opportunity..
Depressive-attacks do pass and you’ll get through them.. I hope this is helpful..