Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I feel utterly distraught and overwhelmed at the moment. I started a PhD recently and it's been a lot of new things and I have been feeling quite overwhelmed. I got some feedback from my supervisor that I should try to join in more socially and particularly join for lunch. I joined twice in the past but I find eating socially very difficult and find group situations difficult too so I had decided that it is just not a good idea to join for lunch at this point (I have had a lot of issues around food anyways, plus I have IBS, made worse by stress. I've been doing much better in terms of eating and food diversity, but I just need to be relaxed and alone for this at the moment. And unstructured group situations are really hard). At first I thought I could somehow meet my supervisor's request to join in more and join for lunch occasionally but I just feel so overwhelmed and already way over capacity and I can't do it right now. Not without severely impacting my ability to function and work. I also find the office environment almost impossible to work in as it is busy and noisy and I have only ever been able to properly focus on desk work from home. I now feel so guilty to do some work from home and kept trying to do more in the office but it just resulted in me getting nothing done and having a panic attack. Technically this could work very well, I live close to the lab so it's not really a problem for me to go home if I have longer stretches of desk work. A lot of the time I am doing experiments in which case I of course have to be in the lab. Though even for that I have had issues recently and sometimes I choose to work late or on weekends as it is quiet then and I can focus much better. After my supervisor's feedback about trying to be more social I have felt so inadequate. I have been socialising one on one and I have no problems at all talking to people at conferences about science. This is fine as it is my special interest and it's predictable. But somehow people seem to assume that because I currently cannot go have lunch with people or focus in a busy office that means that I am utterly incapable of all social interactions, including those essential for my work (like talking to collegues to share ideas or attending conferences and meeting people there). I spent most of the weekend crying because I feel so inadequate. I've worked in quite a few labs before and this has not come up as an issue and I made some very good and lasting friendships. But now I just feel so defective and broken.
And I just talked to one of my best friends about it and her response was that my supervisor's request is so reasonable and I need to work more on myself and push myself to join in and get used to the office. This makes me doubt myself even more. though I know from experience that what I need more than anything is some down time on MY OWN. I miss lockdown terribly- (apart from the fact that covid of course was not good at all), I really flourished during that time. My friend just now even said that she thinks I should find a different career (where I do not have to interact much with people) and not stay in academia- this makes me feel even worse. I am so confused. Deep down I know that I can be good at this and I just need to stand up for who I am and work in the way that works for me (which is what I did in the past). But I feel crippled by guilt and feelings of defectiveness so I keep trying to work in a way that doesn't work for me.
How do you explain to people that for an autistic person socialising is not something that gives energy and that not all social situations are equal? Ie Science discussion with a stranger that I do not know is perfectly fine but lunch with my group is too much?
I feel like such a failure and completely misunderstood- but I don't think I can change who I am?
"I'm an extreme introvert. Perhaps you need more social time, and that's great, but I thrive when I have the amount of focused quiet alone time that would leave most extroverts in a crumbled mess. It's OK for others to be different. Thanks for the offer." << practice this it has helped me on my quest at many points.
I don't know how old this 'supervisor' is, but they could use a course on how to recognise and encourage all kinds of individuals. This stuff is ancient knowledge, not new. There's guidelines everywhere on how to put boundaries around your time and space and be a solid unapologetic introvert. Most don't understand autism, but they will understand this. https://www.scienceofpeople.com/introvert/
I’m a little late on the uptake here, but I see the post now and have a mind on it, maybe it’ll be helpful to you at some point.
What is going on here is what I interpret as a depressive-attack and we all have them, we are all grapple-with and compressing our anxieties so effectively, that when we get to 90% we explode and all of that pressure is directed to where our walls are absent, downwards into the depths.As severe and shocking as these attacks are and seem, they go as quickly as they arrive, please be reassured that this is the case. It is good that you express your feelings so clearly and thoroughly for us to hear and understand, as it means that we have a better idea of you, it means that we can distract you and reassure you more-effectively. So you have not-failed in that regard nor are you easily-misunderstood to those who are actively-listening.
You are not-inadequate Ann, you are not fit-for-quitting because you friend is ill equipped to sooth you, you are not-unfit for development because your supervisor gives you jarring feedback. You know this too, you know that you are more than your more-intense moments, you are not-defective, your sameness is different to the majority’s sameness and that is all. You need to take your time and create a procedure, it will be easier if you can find a peer or mentor to follow and shadow, until you find a sameness that suits you. It is unfortunate that your supervisor cannot see that declaration and you are not well-suited, it is a shame that they cannot-think to help you in a non-declarative way. You were never going to have a good time of someone arbitrarily-stating that you should be more-sociable.
Your depressive-attacks will pass, following these attacks and not during, see if you cannot-work your interests and sensory-soothing measures into your day, make your world as small as you need it to be, make your steps as tectonic as you need to make them, maybe mosey-on-over to the student-union to ask a third-hand question that keeps you comfortable through the first ten-seconds of conversation at the front-desk.. and most-of-all keep us updated.. we want you to know that your getting some reassurance..
I used to be throughly-convinced that I was second-rate whilst I was trying to appease neurotypicals at Uni, I did things that I’m still-traumatised about to get through, and no one stopped to consider that I needed support.. but it is there and you deserve to have equal-opportunity..
Depressive-attacks do pass and you’ll get through them.. I hope this is helpful..
Hi Ann :)
I’m sorry you’ve had this experience. Does your supervisor know you’re autistic? Would it be possible to arrange to have a private chat with your supervisor to explain to him why this is an issue for you? And to explain to him that you are confident in your ability to fulfil what required of you professionally but that being autistic means that you take a different approach to the social aspects of the workplace? Surely they have a duty to make reasonable adjustments for you? I see it’s a few days since you posted this - I hope things have improved a bit for you now regarding this? Please don’t feel ‘broken’ - because you’re not. You’re a very talented and highly educated scientist and just because you have difficulties with socialising (due to being autistic) that doesn’t mean you should be excluded from the profession you love. Good luck Ann x
Hi everyone! I'm sorry for the late reply, there was so much going on and I am so overwhelmed. I wanted to thank you all as your responses made me feel so much better and much less alone! I ended up writing an email to explain why the socialising is difficult and shared my support document from the university again. There have been new concerns since sadly (that I am being too slow, taking too long on simple tasks, and too stressed out... I felt awful as I am giving all I have and the pressure is making everything worse.). But I think maybe we just need to figure out how to work together and communicate better to avoid all this unnecessary stress.
As a contractor I was sent to a place once and briefed that I needed to like football, & be sociable beforehand.
The client summarily booted me out after two of the worst days I can remember as a contractor, (outside of my NHS experience, of course).
Some workplaces simply do not seem to be actually focused on the work.
One reason I like contract, rather than "permananent" work. You know before you start how long you are likely to be working there, you tend NOT to be invited to socialise, and you get paid more er hour than the permies, and can often manage your own tax affairs.
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. It sounds incredibly tough and your supervisor is not acting reasonably at all.
I would agree to put everything in writing to explain how it affects you. If you are comfortable sharing information about your eating issues I think that you should set a firm red line on that. Make it clear that being able to eat alone at lunchtimes is essential, to avoid a severe relapse and resultant detrimental effect on your health.
Some people just don't seem to get autism and don't even try to understand. It sounds like your supervisor is one of those unfortunately. Trust your own instincts. You know yourself better than anyone and you know what is necessary for your own wellbeing, the down time on your own. Being able to recognise this does not mean you are a failure in any way, quite the opposite actually.
Even your friend is badly misinformed. Pushing yourself more is a guaranteed route to overwhelm, burnout, meltdowns, shutdowns and an inability to function. Autistic people do not habituate to noisy environments in the same way that non autistic people do. Telling an autistic person to 'get used to it' is insensitive and completely invalidates your sensory limits.
I spent 15 years trying to endure a busy open plan office and believe me it did not get any easier. I became more and more overwhelmed until I burnt out in a major way and had to give up my job completely.
Ann :) said:I started a PhD recently and it's been a lot of new things and I have been feeling quite overwhelmed. I got some feedback from my supervisor that I should try to join in more socially and particularly join for lunch.
I'll echo the responses from the others - you are not a failure. This is not your fault and your supervisor is in fact poorly informed and is risking being brought up on a discrimination charge if he continues.
Please try to ask him in writing why he believes that you should expand your socialising in spite of being aware of your autism and the fact it causes you significant stress to do this.
Once you have him confirming you should do this in writing then speak to the school and ask if they can arrange for your supervisor to be given autism awareness training as this amounts to discrimination under the Disability rights and the Equality Act 2010
https://www.gov.uk/discrimination-your-rights
This should make them take notice and have a word with your supervisor.
Make sure you have joined a union before doing this and notify them as they may have more specific advice for your situation in education.
It isn’t a reasonable request due to the fact you are neurodiverse. You are not a failure but you are misunderstood which isn’t your fault. Most neurotypical people don’t understand our struggles and socialising is hard enough without trying to convince someone that you have genuine reasons for not being comfortable with it. I too actually enjoyed lockdown. It gets me down sometimes it doesn’t feel like people even try to understand, no one would be asking a paraplegic to just walk, but being autistic why can’t you just socialise I think it’s ignorance. Similar experience with depression, just think positive then you’ll be happy. It’s way more complex than that. My own personal experience of forcing myself in to social situations has caused me to become depressed so I don’t recommend it although I do understand the desire to fit in and be accepted
Of course you can't change who you are. There are things you can change and things which it is not worth changing, this is the latter. You only have the energy to do your work OR to socialise! Can you talk to the disability support people? I think you should write to your supervisor to explain, what you have written here seems clear and they did know about your needs when they took you on.
You are not a failure! And I don't agree with your friend who says academia is not for you either, since you are well able to do the networking and conference talking needed.
Oh Ann,
I am so sorry this happened to you. I really relate. I've been told I'm not a team player and been told we will 'have to' socialise for half an hour before team meetings. I do not. I have agreed with my boss that I will go to two work related social events per year. One is Christmas. I will leave when I want. I will work from home. If you agree to all of those things you will have an incredible team member who is super productive, happy and lovely to everyone. If you don't agree to this, I will get ill.
Back to you, Ann.
1) You are not a failure and you are not inadequate. You are autistic and that is COOL. However, the world isn't built for people like us.
2) Your supervisor's request just isn't reasonable. Not even for a NT person. We do not HAVE to socialise. We just don't. Please internalise this fact. It is not reasonable to make being sociable a part of being a good co-worker. The fact is that a large percentage of the population is highly sensitive / introverted or neurodivergent. We find socialising exhausting, overwhelming, painful, anxiety inducing, depressing. As a result we gravitate towards jobs that allow us to spend time alone. Forcing you to socialise is the same as bullying you in the workplace. It's causing harm.
3) Your voice matters. Your opinions matter. If you can't tell your supervisor to their face (I struggle to speak without my voice shaking sometimes) then maybe email them. I suspect, like me, you're so much better in writing.
You're NOT inadequate. You're brilliant. You're different and you deserve to have your difference honoured.
W