Published on 12, July, 2020
I have huge problems taking holiday, and previously only travelled to see my mother who I didn't get on with and it was always very traumatic. I stopped visiting her years ago and have a rue that l my holidays had to be productive and learning to justify the amount of anxiety preparing for them brings out. So it's been Thai boxing camp and Berlin as I was learning German. I haven't been away for almost 8 years. This was all before I even though I might be aspie. Just the preparing, arranging a sitter for my cats, getting to the airport on time and not missing the flight makes me tense and the whole thing not worth it.
I purchased tickets to see Rammstein in Berlin on Saturday. I bought the tickets last year as I really like their music and I haven't been away for a very long time and I though I would treat myself to a nice ticket and a trip as I though since I've been learning for a while and been hyperfixated on the band plus I could practice my German would be a good way to start again. Now, if you've read anything about Rammstein you'll know what a disaster this has turned out to be! The sex offence charges against the lead singer, the protest plant for this weekend in Berlin etc. I haven't been able to do much for the last week. I'm really conflicted but because reading all the facts it looks like the singer is guilty as charged. But my ticket was really expensive, and I worked so hard preparing everything and then there's the ticket price and obviously part of me feels duty bound to get this done. I can't help it! I don't know how to feel about any of this but I'm feeling increasingly, dangerously, upset. I have people telling me I shouldn't go, people telling me I should go. I'm still doing the flight part but I haven't thought past that point. It's weird, but it doesn't feel like it's moral decision. Maybe because I was more into the music than the individuals? Maybe I'm horrible and selfish, and a bad person who only cares about her tasks. Why am I still going? Why do I still want to? Just thinking about this is making me want to just run somewhere else and hide and never come back (even though I can't. cats.) I Don't see the band as people maybe, just sounds? I'm not sure.
I think I jut need a place to get this off my chest. I don't expect to hear nice things. or anything at all. Seeing bands live was the only place Ii felt I could relax. Weird isn't it. I can't do parties or dinners. But just drowning in a sea of people anonymously listing to music you like makes me relax. Not sue I can do that again though as people will always just be people.
I can only speak for myself but personally I'd just go. You don't worry do you, if the chair you buy comes from wood sourced unethically? Or if the chairman of your local supermarket is a criminal? If you refused to bank with unethical banks you'd have to just keep your money under your mattress. Ever buy a loaf of bread? Do you know the farmer wasn't a rapist? What about the baker, or the lorry driver or the shelf stacker? Would you refuse to buy the bread if you knew? Would it be better if it was the lighting director or sound guy who was accused of rape instead of the lead singer? Should it make a difference? The concert is a service. You should be no more worried about the criminality of the singer than the bus driver that takes you there.
So in your hypothetical if you absolutely know the baker is a rapist, you're not any less likely to buy your bread there than at a bakery where no sex offenders are employed?
And if the accusation was against the sound or lighting person, they would have been replaced immediately. Same with literally anyone else involved who wasn't completely irreplaceable. If the driver of the 376 bus was publicly accused of something like this, he would be suspended pretty quickly because thankfully most people are less willing to buy their sausages from the voyeur and their fruit from the child molester than you seem to be.
You make some very good points here Peter! I'll try and keep this in mind. I think part of me does see it as just a service.