Am I steange?

Welcome to the community Sebastian.

You are not strange or stupid or wrong. You are an autistic person who has sadly been misunderstood and traumatised for much of your life.

SebastianASD said:

I have a swedish blog but what does that help. Swedish is my native language and blog sites are very hard translate. dont know how to do that. its here, Autistic Sebastian (wordpress.com)

I have read your blog. I don't speak Swedish but google helpfully translated it for me. I can identify with so much of what you say about your experiences of school that I could have written parts of it myself. The confusion about the other children in the playground, the unbearable noise in the canteen, being unable to eat, being the quiet one, hiding during break times, etc.

It is heart-breaking the way you were treated by your mother. You were never really allowed to be a child. If playing with toys is what makes you happy and calm now as an adult then that is what you should do. There is nothing at all wrong with that. 

You can be immensely proud of all that you achieved without support, being president of the school council, achieving good grades and finally achieving your independence after what must have been a horrendous time living in a nursing home.

I hope that you gradually begin to lose all the misplaced guilt and shame that your parents wrongly instilled in you. 

It has been more than autism 2 but it was hidden. My grades were result of parents job to tell teachers. I knew what the first word I read was when I was 13 years old. Then I could read like someone who recently began to understand text. Dont know when age that done is but someone told me about 5 year old. It has been terrible.
After nine year in school I would say I understood maybe as a grade 1 child.
Today still hard and text horrible is to understand. Need support and help with everything with text but I say nothing to anyone. Dont want to be abused and kicked in my head again as I was when I was 11 years old and 12 years old and 14 tears old.
Its hard life. I want to play but no job only living social payment. Survive each month yes but still is very hard. Wish could afford toys to play with but I cannot :( Im feeling so sad knowing the toys are there but nothing play with because never given chance to do that. Probably will never be able to have that fun more than with the few I have

It has been more than autism 2 but it was hidden. My grades were result of parents job to tell teachers. I knew what the first word I read was when I was 13 years old. Then I could read like someone who recently began to understand text. Dont know when age that done is but someone told me about 5 year old. It has been terrible.
After nine year in school I would say I understood maybe as a grade 1 child.
Today still hard and text horrible is to understand. Need support and help with everything with text but I say nothing to anyone. Dont want to be abused and kicked in my head again as I was when I was 11 years old and 12 years old and 14 tears old.
Its hard life. I want to play but no job only living social payment. Survive each month yes but still is very hard. Wish could afford toys to play with but I cannot :( Im feeling so sad knowing the toys are there but nothing play with because never given chance to do that. Probably will never be able to have that fun more than with the few I have

You can be credited for seeking out all those books with pictures when you couldn't understand the text. 

I'm guessing your issues with text and reading are related to dyslexia which wasn't picked up at school. It's never too late to seek support. It is understandable you are reluctant due to your past experiences but things are very different outside of school.

Life can be hard for us autistics, especially when you are also struggling to survive financially. There are ways of acquiring new toys without having to pay full retail price. You could try charity shops, car boots sales or freecycle if you have those things where you live.

Don't give up. Things can get better.