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Misunderstanding relationships

NAS87477

My autistic son wants to be like everyone else and have a partner, home etc.  he encounters women at the gym and work and he goes headlong into building relationships with them but he is clumsy, direct and full on.  Unfortunately he comes across as inappropriate and a little odd.  How do we advise him to take a step back.  Whenever we approach the subject he just accuses us of interfering with his friends.  We are worried someone will not understand him.

  • Hi I'm sorry your son is finding these difficulties. I completely understand how he feels, it's hard work making friends when you have autism let alone trying to find a partner. I think the best thing you can do is let him know you're there for him, that will mean a lot to him and then he can turn to you if he wants to. Otherwise he'll probably take offense and feel you're interfering. Sometimes people need to work things out on their own but if he knows he can turn to you when needed that will be a comfort to him. I hope it all works out for him.

  • Can I just point out before I leave that this post was originally a caring parent asking how to help their autistic son, exactly the sort of person this forum used to be here to help but, as usual, certain people have made it all about them. 
    To the original poster of this post, I am sorry that your request for help has been ignored in this way. I hope you can find the answers you need but I just wanted to offer you one word of reassurance. I was just like your son as a young boy and I went through a few heartbreaks as a result but now I am happy and settled with a wonderful wife and two beautiful kids. Your son will find the same in the end. Just be there for him, support him when he needs it and trust him. These things work themselves out in the end. Peace 

  • Do you have a young, female friend/family that could maybe talk to him? Maybe some advice coming from his 'target audience' might hit home rather than coming from you. Or even a sensible male role model of a similar age? It is difficult for hime to get away from what he sees and being nagged and this being an subject he doesn't want to discuss.

  • Definitely don't discourage him but perhaps suggest he attend autistic events where he'll meet more people who will understand him and be supportive of his difficulties.

  • Can you help him meet other autistic people? That's often more successful.

  • in reply to Peter

    Thanks, food for thought Thinking

  • in reply to Iain

    Thanks, some very useful advice.  Much appreciated 

  • This is a complete minefield to get involved in actively so I recommend you approach it from an information drop perspective unless you have someone who can mentor your son (is there a cool uncle in the family, an adult he trusts to talk about this sort of stuff etc).

    If you feel you must have "the talk" then let him come to you - say you have been researching the situation and may have some ideas to help him be more successful. He will roll his eyes, say "I really hate you" and go away to think about it most likely - just like any normal teenager would.

    The key thing to get across is to stop using chat up lines, trying to impress straight away and try to be authentic - this is much more effective and stood me in good stead in my teens/early 20s.

    To help you understand the complexities of this from an autistic teenagers point of view I have made a few book recommendations:

    These are a few for him:
    An Aspie's Guide to Intimacy, Dating, Sex and Marriage - Attwood, Tony, Evans, Craig R., Lesko, Anita (2015)
    eISBN 9781784501273

    Making Sense of Sex - A Forthright Guide to Puberty, Sex and Relationships for People With Asperger's Syndrome - Sarah Attwood (2008)
    ISBN 9781843103745

    The Asperger Love Guide - A Practical Guide for Adults with Asperger's Syndrome to Seeking, Establishing and Maintaining Successful Relationships - Genevieve Edmonds, Dean Worton (2005)
    ISBN 1 4129 1910 X


    This one is more for you:
    Asperger's Syndrome And Sexuality - From Adolescence Through Adulthood - Isabelle Henault (2005)
    ISBN 1843101890

    There is no "guide to pulling girls" that he probably wants but teaching him to not objectify girls and respect them will be a valuable life skill and should avoid propogating the toxic masculinity that is always a risk at that age.

    Good luck.

  • You don’t, you have to advise on how to take a step forward. You can’t discourage him from wanting to do this so you have to advise him on the best way to do it.