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I believe 90-95% of my issues in life are because I can't speak up for myself

HMO

I'm the least assertive person you could possibly meet, and will probably only say no to something when I'm at breaking point.

I do believe that so much of my life would be different if I was able to put my foot down without fearing that the other person will physically attack me or something because I said no.

Parents

  • This is my problem too. I came from an abusive family where I was expected to meet the needs of a mother with very low self esteem and frequent volatile mood swings. I have found counselling to be helpful because most of the time I don't see a situation where I could be assertive until it has already passed, then I get all upset I didn't stand up for myself. I have found a good trick is to write down what happened in short form then add not what I should have done but what I will do next time. Then my brain kind of goes to that page if I'm ever in that situation and I can act on it.

    Otherwise I have found it is a matter of delaying a decision. Don't agree to anything on the spot, be cagey! I have made a whole list of sentences that are along the lines of 'hmm let me check me diary'. 'I'll get back to you on that, I'm very busy at the moment', etc., anything to delay making a decision on the spot when I am most likely to blindly say yes. Delay, delay, delay and then take a moment when its quiet to go through a little list of the things people want from you and respond either yes or no in a calm fashion. With email being a common mode of communication now, it is a lot easier to say no this way later than say it to someone's face in the moment. Unfortunately I have learned this is something that comes with practice but it is something you can get better at :) 

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  • This is my problem too. I came from an abusive family where I was expected to meet the needs of a mother with very low self esteem and frequent volatile mood swings. I have found counselling to be helpful because most of the time I don't see a situation where I could be assertive until it has already passed, then I get all upset I didn't stand up for myself. I have found a good trick is to write down what happened in short form then add not what I should have done but what I will do next time. Then my brain kind of goes to that page if I'm ever in that situation and I can act on it.

    Otherwise I have found it is a matter of delaying a decision. Don't agree to anything on the spot, be cagey! I have made a whole list of sentences that are along the lines of 'hmm let me check me diary'. 'I'll get back to you on that, I'm very busy at the moment', etc., anything to delay making a decision on the spot when I am most likely to blindly say yes. Delay, delay, delay and then take a moment when its quiet to go through a little list of the things people want from you and respond either yes or no in a calm fashion. With email being a common mode of communication now, it is a lot easier to say no this way later than say it to someone's face in the moment. Unfortunately I have learned this is something that comes with practice but it is something you can get better at :) 

Children
  • in reply to Bean

    Can absolutely relate to this. I never agree to anything on the spot if I can help if. Sit on it for ages sometimes then communicate the decision in writing where I can take the time to think about it and plan my words properly.

    I'm like this with everything, my partner, work, buying stuff etc. Bought a bike from someone on eBay a few weeks ago. Went to have a look at it, thought it was overpriced, spotted it wasn't as it was designed (supposed to be a single speed but is a conversion, had a semi vertical forward drop out) one of the things I thought I'd filtered out when looking at the on the site, but STILL managed to agree to buying it.

    Did the same with a car which I knew was going to be a load of problems, but in the moment ended up agreeing to take it.

    Agreed to a holiday location that's going to be an absolute nightmare this year due to not wanting an argument about it with my partner. Last 20 years has been a nightmare of "going with the flow" into countless situations I don't want to have to deal with at all. Feels completely out of my hands which I think is one of the reasons I try to limit dealing with people directly.

  • in reply to Bean

    My Gran, and most other women in my life, refused to take 'No' for an answer. One even yelled, "Do as I say!" to me; which I lied about when saying 'Yes'!

    I need to learn, and grow, while they 'Don't want anything bad happening!'