Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I tried to add a follow up post to one I had already made around this issue but couldn't figure it out so apologies
My partner's continued low libido due to taking medication is absolutely destroying me
I'm finding it so hard to cope, this is causing messed up sleeping, stimming by punching my head and really making my relationship with my partner so difficult.
We have been lucky to get away to some nice places recently and I would have thought the change of scenery, nice hotel rooms, fancy clothes etc would have being a catalyst for intimacy but I'm left feeling destroyed after them because nothing happens and I feel even worse because I allowed myself to hope of something happening and this dashing of hope is one of the worst things
I allow myself the possibility of intimacy, even fantasize about it but when it doesn't happen it destroys me
I do appreciate its not my partner's fault and I struggle to not take it personally, but it still leaves me devastated that I can't even turn my partner on, it tanks my self esteem and makes me feel disgusting.
After every rejection I feel like my heart's being ripped out.
It even got to the stage where I was ready to give up, just to stop trying because what's the point??? The damage to me mentally because of constant rejection is piling up.
It even got to the stage I was planning on not watching my partner get dressed to avoid the possibility of being turned on
I feel this is a pretty ed up thing to do and goes against how I normally behave but I'm torturing myself by keeping trying , am I meant to just pretend I have no drive either??
I feel sick , get moody , struggle to sleep after every rejection.
The only saving grace is me and my partner communicate about things pretty good, but conversations around sex are becoming 'im getting sick of having this conversation" but I feel as it not been resolved of course we are going to have this conversation over and over again.
I love my partner to the moon and back , I truly do but I'm at a loss here, I don't want to lose them over a intimacy issue that's not really there fault.
I discussed with my partner about speaking with their doctor around their medication and that went down like a lead balloon, I get my partner's condition is their priority and I'm not asking them to sacrifice their health for the sake of intimacy, I'm asking that the issues that are being caused by the medication are highlighted to the GP and see if there is there is any thing that could be done differently, to me that seems like a reasonable request but my partner's reaction to me suggests otherwise?
However I can't see that happening, so I'm left in limbo.
This is months and months of near constant rejection, yes we have had spells that have been better but they never last and then I'm back to feeling hopeless and hurt again.
I have no one to turn to, constant communication about this to my partner is going to be seen as pressure and I feel could possibly damage our relationship long term
I don't see a path forward, I'm totally at a loss and I would appreciate all your
Thanks
Hello everyone - I'm glad to see so much discussion but I wanted to remind you all to be kind and respectful to each other
Thanks,
SarahMod
Please can we remove posts that encourage sexual coercion, given that it's a criminal offence? Rule 12 applies here. This discussion has crossed the line into dodgy legal territory with the suggestion of trying to medicate a mentally ill person into submitting to sex.
respectfully people misconstruing innocent things like wanting your partner to get their sexual disfunction treated as 'coercion' is a textbook example why you have to be so careful wording laws and why a lot of these anti misogyny / homophobia laws that sound good on paper can end up being problematic in practice when people have to interpret vaguely worded legal definitions.
It is in ICD-11
High sex drive isn’t a recognised medical condition
Her low sex drive isn't causing her distress.
His high drive is causing him distress.
He is the one that needs to seek treatment
so whats the difference? She’s upset because he's upset and your solution is he pretend he isn't upset so she won’t feel bad? Doesn’t sound like the recipe for a communicative and loving relationship.
it really doesn’t make a difference what the precise chain of cause and effect is. If her low sex drive is making her relationship dysfunctional then its sexual disfunction.
and actually if asexuality causes someone significant distress it would be considered a disorder. At least that’s my understanding of the icd-11.
its perfectly possible for low sex drive to only be considered a disfunction because you are in a relationship effected by the low sex drive
Peter said:itβs not even a question of whether or not itβs causing her clinically significant distress the term the ICD 11 uses. Because itβs causing her relationship to breakdown which is causing her clinically significant distress.
Not true. Because again that is only based on 3rd party hear-say, the partner isn't here to tell us in person if they feel the issue is the medication or the OPs pestering, which we need to be prepared to accept that it is just as likely the OPs pressuring which is the cause of the issue since the OP themself has said the partner said they don't want to go to the Dr with it and hasn't went to the Dr about it (which is a factual relay of information not speculative), so it (the lack of libido itself) may not be that big of a deal in the partners eyes. And it is up to the partner to say whether they feel they are under distress and from what specifically, and they are not here to tell us firsthand. So no we can't attribute secondhand say-so to sexual dysfunction, because to do so relies purely on presumptions of emotive interpretation (the only emotion the OP can truly know is their own).Also lack of sexual drive on it's own isn't a disorder. Lots of Asexual+ people live perfectly happy lives without experiencing sexual attraction.
No it’s just because it thiss so one specific issue people seem to think that it’s not acceptable for him to have an opinion about his partners health.
if he was pestering his partner to go to the doctor about a lump, or even depression no one would have a problem with it. No one would say ‘oh well he doesn’t get to say if it’s a condition or not.’ You tend to know when there’s something not right with someone you love. When their body and brain is slightly off-balance.
if it were any other kind of medical problem unrelated to sex that he was pestering his partner about no one would have an issue with this. No one would question if he was really right about there being a issue to be investigated.
anyway it’s a moot point. his partner has identified this side-effect as being a lack of interest in sex hence sexual dysfunction. it’s his own partners opinion that this is caused by medication. side-effects are more or less by definition a dysfunction. especially if they’re causing you to no longer find enjoyment in something you use to enjoy.
based on what the OP has said there is no disagreement between them that the meds are causing her to be less interested in sex. That this is a side-effect.
it’s not even a question of whether or not it’s causing her clinically significant distress the term the ICD 11 uses. Because it’s causing her relationship to breakdown which is causing her clinically significant distress.
No, sorry Peter but I don't think it our place, or even the OPs place to say that their partner is experiencing sexual dysfunction, we are not them nor their Dr, and we should respect their wishes to be left alone and not be sex pestered. I wouldn't want to attempt to diagnose the OPs partner any more than I would you with anything you yourself did not tell me you suspected in-of yourself as a matter of respect to you either. And If your partner came on here looking for advice about you I would likewise advise them to treat your issues in the least obtrusive and most respectful way also.And besides not hearing it "from the horses mouth" the information we are being given here is, mere hear-say at best.