Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I tried to add a follow up post to one I had already made around this issue but couldn't figure it out so apologies
My partner's continued low libido due to taking medication is absolutely destroying me
I'm finding it so hard to cope, this is causing messed up sleeping, stimming by punching my head and really making my relationship with my partner so difficult.
We have been lucky to get away to some nice places recently and I would have thought the change of scenery, nice hotel rooms, fancy clothes etc would have being a catalyst for intimacy but I'm left feeling destroyed after them because nothing happens and I feel even worse because I allowed myself to hope of something happening and this dashing of hope is one of the worst things
I allow myself the possibility of intimacy, even fantasize about it but when it doesn't happen it destroys me
I do appreciate its not my partner's fault and I struggle to not take it personally, but it still leaves me devastated that I can't even turn my partner on, it tanks my self esteem and makes me feel disgusting.
After every rejection I feel like my heart's being ripped out.
It even got to the stage where I was ready to give up, just to stop trying because what's the point??? The damage to me mentally because of constant rejection is piling up.
It even got to the stage I was planning on not watching my partner get dressed to avoid the possibility of being turned on
I feel this is a pretty ed up thing to do and goes against how I normally behave but I'm torturing myself by keeping trying , am I meant to just pretend I have no drive either??
I feel sick , get moody , struggle to sleep after every rejection.
The only saving grace is me and my partner communicate about things pretty good, but conversations around sex are becoming 'im getting sick of having this conversation" but I feel as it not been resolved of course we are going to have this conversation over and over again.
I love my partner to the moon and back , I truly do but I'm at a loss here, I don't want to lose them over a intimacy issue that's not really there fault.
I discussed with my partner about speaking with their doctor around their medication and that went down like a lead balloon, I get my partner's condition is their priority and I'm not asking them to sacrifice their health for the sake of intimacy, I'm asking that the issues that are being caused by the medication are highlighted to the GP and see if there is there is any thing that could be done differently, to me that seems like a reasonable request but my partner's reaction to me suggests otherwise?
However I can't see that happening, so I'm left in limbo.
This is months and months of near constant rejection, yes we have had spells that have been better but they never last and then I'm back to feeling hopeless and hurt again.
I have no one to turn to, constant communication about this to my partner is going to be seen as pressure and I feel could possibly damage our relationship long term
I don't see a path forward, I'm totally at a loss and I would appreciate all your
Thanks
Beware Mr. NAS80814 that we have incels in this forum and they will vote for pushing women to have sex even when they are depressed af or not wanting it at all. Probably this is not a great place to get an advice. STOP PUSHING A HUMAN WHO'S GOING THROUGH A HARDSHIP IN THEIR LIFE TO SATISFY OR SUPPORT YOU!!
but yet you got offended at me saying a man should refuse a woman sex when she wants it?so it seems you want to force men to have sex against their will when women want it and if they refuse they are evil and sexist?
This shouldn't need to come down to a conversation over male or female hierarchy or similar political debates...
This about two humans. Supporting each other in relational harmony.
At the end of the day if it isn't working for you and it's damaging your mental health you can always move on.
Tough to bare, because it's become too tough to bare
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If you look at coercion/control/abuse figures, you will find there is a difference between male -v- female; female -v-male; female -v- female; male -v-male.
To my mind the very suggestion that you should take account of the genders of the parties before deciding whether something is coercive is sexist in itself.
That doesn't mean that the justification doesn't exist.
That's a very fancy way of saying 'I think you are wrong' which I fair enough but if you or Ree want to assert that the relationship is 'toxic' the onus is on you to argue it is and so far any attempt to do so has been farcical.
Peter said: But gender doesn't really make a difference to most of what we are talking about.
Yes, it does.
Also, if you think one partner is male and one female, those assumptions come pre-set with other assumptions about males/females, in part depending on which sex (if either) you are/identify with.
Peter said:I see absolutely nothing in what the OP has said to justify such an assertion.
I think at the very least there is coercion and control involved here (ie with regard to the OPs attitude towards their partner).
I see absolutely nothing in what the OP has said to justify such an assertion.
By-the-way, although you have referred to this couple as 'he' and 'she' throughout and even 'wife', I don't think the OP has ever mentioned this?
You're right I have used 'Wife.' When people say 'partner' my brain just translates to 'effectively married but didn't feel like making it legally binding.' Anyway I'm going to assume the OP is male and the partner female because it means I can use he / she which is a lot more concise than 'the OP's partner.' But gender doesn't really make a difference to most of what we are talking about.
If I refer to them both as 'they' you will have no idea who i'm talking about in which bit of sentence.
I am aware of a few studies suggesting this may be different for autistic people who can benefit from alone time and a reduction in societal pressure when their mental health is suffering. I can anecdotally attest to this myself - when my mental health is suffering, being completely alone without pressure for a period of time is the surefire thing that will fix it. But everyone is different, I am just saying that socialising more doesn't always help everyone struggling with mental health issues. The rest of the debate between everyone I would like to stay out of. I can see both sides here and understand why people are upset but everyone is being a little heated about it.
I believe Ree was making a general point there and in any case, you shouldn't be so judgemental.
If Ree was making that point about this single O/P's issue, calling their assertion 'absurd' is high-handed.
Everyone is different, has differing experiences and differing tolerances.
I don't think that if they were using the phrase in the particular, rather than the general, that they are particularly off.
The toxic relationship in this situation exists purely in Ree's mind. So yes I'm ignoring her assertion that this is a 'toxic relationship' because that assertion is absurd.
I think you are ignoring the main thrust of Ree's statement:
better than being in a toxic relationship or in a relationship that is more negative, stressful, pressuring than it is supportive and happy
There is no 'mental health advice and research' (your words) that says it is better to be in a toxic and abusive relationship than to be single.
The opposite in fact.
your experience is very much contradictory to mental health advice and research which is that isolation and loneliness are extremely bad for mental health and depression.