Low libido - really struggling

Basically my response to all of the people having a go at this man for wanting to try and fix his wife’s lack of a sex drive is:

it is not a crime to want to fix someone you love. It’s not like she wanted her sex drive to go away it’s not like she was faking having a sex drive when they first got together. It’s not as if he isn’t as equally concerned about fixing her depression. As the old wedding vows go in sickness and in health but that doesn’t mean you have to be okay with your loved one being ill and that goes for depression but it also goes for sexual dysfunction. It’s called dysfunction for a reason.

I know over a lot of women who are upset because men want to fix things instead of just support them through the situation. Well tough, if you love someone and something is getting in the way of your relationship with them you will want to fix it.

he isn’t trying to brainwash her into wanting sex she didn’t used to want, nor  is he trying to compromise her therapy by asking her to go to the doctor and ask if it’s possible to improve the situation. She may fear that the doctor may just take her off the medication or put her on medication that doesn’t work, but believe me a good doctor is not going to be willing to take her off medication that works and put her on medication that doesn’t work just to improve her sex drive. That doesn’t mean that you can’t investigate whether or not it’s possible to get an improvement.

ultimately it sounding more and more like this depression is long-term and it’s causing a real strain upon this relationship. which leads me to ask a question whether or not something doesn’t need to shift anyway. maybe things have become too comfortable in the status quo maybe her treatment is stuck in a rut. it happens with depression quite a lot. it’s a lot easier for a doctor to keep giving you pills then arrange for the therapy that might potentially improve your mental state. She may feel with the antidepressants she’s got to an equilibrium where life is survivable, but surviving is not living. And so it’s quite legitimate for her other half to ask when she can get away from surviving to living again. Maybe it would be a good thing to put some pressure on her doctors to come up with a solution which is a long-term one rather than just keeping her in survival mode.

you know what at the end of the day a load of randoms on the Internet are not the best people to be asking for advice on this. go make yourself an appointment with a sex therapist just you on your own. if a sex therapist says as I think it’s quite plausible that your wife should probably come in with you and be seen by them as well, then at least you can say to your wife and to anyone else who  has a go at you on the Internet that this is what an expert recommended.

I think that the pressure that this person is adding to a depressed person life, the selfishness in all those pushs and efforts to satisfy his needs aren't fixing the relationship nor helping the depressed person in any way, probably making their situation worst. His struggle isn't with how sad she is, his struggle is how horny he is. He didn't start this discussion saying "my partner is depressed how can I support?". He started "my partner isn't having sex with me and I'm struggling and I just don't want to use my hand nor sex toys, help ME!". Although you tried to make it sound like his main concern is to improve her mental health and help her, he is actually concerned about something else, his sexual needs, and that's the core of the issue. That's probably making her repelled to the idea of intimacy with him, and increasing her depression. 

Except he didn’t say that it was his horniness that was bothering him. He talked about how it was affecting his self-esteem and his confidence in him self and his feeling of the lack of intimacy with his other half. Tell me how a sex toy is going to help with any of that?

No the problem already exists whether she acknowledges it or not. What she’s being asked to do is pull her head out of the sand and ask somebody else for help with the problem.

"All she's being asked to do is to acknowledge that there's a problem and consult a doctor whether it can be fixed." Saying this as if it's such a simple matter that's completely valid and sane is absurd. What she's being asked to do is to add one more problem to her existing depression that she can't handle right now instead of being supported.

nor see a therapist to help his self-esteem and support him while dealing with such hard time in the relationship.

actually he never said that. I personally think it would be a good idea. This is clearly effecting his sex life and his self esteem and mental health. Him going to a sex therapist makes perfect sense. But I suspect if he did go to a sex therapist over this that therapist would encourage his partner to join in too. sex therapy works best when both parties are in the room.

I honestly think that if he doesn't accept any arrangement, as seeing a different woman with consent of his partner, sex toys or whatever

Untill we start putting chat GPT in a fleshlight you can't have a relationship with a sextoy. Even if we could that would supplant the relationship with his partner. You assume she would consent to seeing other women? Even if he wanted to it doesn't follow just because sex is not important to her that fidelity isn't important to her. And by the sounds of it this guy is looking for sexual intimacy not just sexual release. If he was allowed to see other women it would more likely be a mistriss than a call girl. In short if it worked he would effectivly be bringing a 3rd person into their relationship. Experimenting with polyamory as a way of dealing with sexual disfunction doesn't sound like a good idea to me.

A partners support isn't guaranteed to always be the support you want. Sometimes it can and should be the support you need not the support you want. Sometimes a partners support is to push you into addressing problems you don't feel upto addressing. Remember no one is asking her to just lay back and think of England. No one is asking her to leave her depression untreated. All she's being asked to do is acknowledge there is a problem and consult a doctor about whether it can be fixed.

A person with depression is in the position to ask for support, get the help from the partner. A person in depression is already having tough time coping with life itself, to survive at all to the level of getting medcation for it. A person in depression needs their loved ones to compromise for them, needs the understanding to how hard life could be to handle for them. A person in depression knows that they are dendent on a pill to survive mentally and knows that this pill is affecting their lives, relationships and already feels like a burden to people around. A person in depression requires someone to support them in any way they choose to get their mental health together. They expect their loved ones to be understanding to what it means to be a partner to someone who has depression. They expect the loved ones to genuinely care about them and genuinely try to make life easier for them. This whole discussion is based on the contrary of all that. You are expecting the depressed one to be the one caring about the mental issues of others ?!?. It's no one's fault that they have this depression!! it's so unfair to ask the person who's is already having a hardship in their life to compromise so that someone else feels good about their self-esteem. What do you suspect the self-esteem of the depressed person would be like anyway??. If they were capable of supporting themselves and survive in the first place would they be prescribed pills?? How is someone in this position expected to compromise??. How is someone who can't support themselves asked to support someone else??. Who's in the position of the supporter here??. I know that being a partner to a depressed person isn't easy. The options are to find an arrangement that works for both or simply just say goodbye. What's not ok is to make the depressed person situation worst with pressure and expectations, to try to medicate to change them, or to stay in the position of the supporter but act selfishly and insensitivitly. I honestly think that if he doesn't accept any arrangement, as seeing a different woman with consent of his partner, sex toys or whatever, and he can't just handle his new role in the relationship as the supporter and deal with it until it ends, then just break the relationship up and support her as a friend instead.

The OP is the one who seems like he can't support or compromise even though, unfortunately, the relationship requires him to do so in its current state. He doesn't want to lose his partner, doesn't want to see any other woman as he mentioned in previous post, no to use sex toys or VRs, not accept other options of physical intimacy with her, and doesn't want to use his hand nor take medication for his lepidlo nor see a therapist to help his self-esteem and support him while dealing with such hard time in the relationship. The OP seems like he's not ready to compromise or support a depressed partner. He actually seems to care about his issues more than hers even tho in comparison, her issues, since it's medicated depression, sound more of an emergency. Still, his primary interest seems to be his sexual deprivation not her depression. It's like watching someone bleeding their live out and complaining about the 3rd degree burn you got the other day and asking the bleeding one to go get you medicine. When the severely bleeding one says "no!" You start negotiating if they could wrap their injury somehow or take a painkiller so they could get up and get you the medicine. The burn sucks and it's real, but you can't ask the bleeding one to compromise for you because they barely can function at all and are more in emergency. It's gross, insensitive and selfish. If you are so "burned" that you can't support them, then either get professional help for yourself or leave the scene because there's nothing worst that a selfish partner 

A person with depression is in the position to ask for support, get the help from the partner. A person in depression is already having tough time coping with life itself, to survive at all to the level of getting medcation for it. A person in depression needs their loved ones to compromise for them, needs the understanding to how hard life could be to handle for them. A person in depression knows that they are dendent on a pill to survive mentally and knows that this pill is affecting their lives, relationships and already feels like a burden to people around. A person in depression requires someone to support them in any way they choose to get their mental health together. They expect their loved ones to be understanding to what it means to be a partner to someone who has depression. They expect the loved ones to genuinely care about them and genuinely try to make life easier for them. This whole discussion is based on the contrary of all that. You are expecting the depressed one to be the one caring about the mental issues of others ?!?. It's no one's fault that they have this depression!! it's so unfair to ask the person who's is already having a hardship in their life to compromise so that someone else feels good about their self-esteem. What do you suspect the self-esteem of the depressed person would be like anyway??. If they were capable of supporting themselves and survive in the first place would they be prescribed pills?? How is someone in this position expected to compromise??. How is someone who can't support themselves asked to support someone else??. Who's in the position of the supporter here??. I know that being a partner to a depressed person isn't easy. The options are to find an arrangement that works for both or simply just say goodbye. What's not ok is to make the depressed person situation worst with pressure and expectations, to try to medicate to change them, or to stay in the position of the supporter but act selfishly and insensitivitly. I honestly think that if he doesn't accept any arrangement, as seeing a different woman with consent of his partner, sex toys or whatever, and he can't just handle his new role in the relationship as the supporter and deal with it until it ends, then just break the relationship up and support her as a friend instead.

The OP is the one who seems like he can't support or compromise even though, unfortunately, the relationship requires him to do so in its current state. He doesn't want to lose his partner, doesn't want to see any other woman as he mentioned in previous post, no to use sex toys or VRs, not accept other options of physical intimacy with her, and doesn't want to use his hand nor take medication for his lepidlo nor see a therapist to help his self-esteem and support him while dealing with such hard time in the relationship. The OP seems like he's not ready to compromise or support a depressed partner. He actually seems to care about his issues more than hers even tho in comparison, her issues, since it's medicated depression, sound more of an emergency. Still, his primary interest seems to be his sexual deprivation not her depression. It's like watching someone bleeding their live out and complaining about the 3rd degree burn you got the other day and asking the bleeding one to go get you medicine. When the severely bleeding one says "no!" You start negotiating if they could wrap their injury somehow or take a painkiller so they could get up and get you the medicine. The burn sucks and it's real, but you can't ask the bleeding one to compromise for you because they barely can function at all and are more in emergency. It's gross, insensitive and selfish. If you are so "burned" that you can't support them, then either get professional help for yourself or leave the scene because there's nothing worst that a selfish partner 

No the problem already exists whether she acknowledges it or not. What she’s being asked to do is pull her head out of the sand and ask somebody else for help with the problem.

"All she's being asked to do is to acknowledge that there's a problem and consult a doctor whether it can be fixed." Saying this as if it's such a simple matter that's completely valid and sane is absurd. What she's being asked to do is to add one more problem to her existing depression that she can't handle right now instead of being supported.

nor see a therapist to help his self-esteem and support him while dealing with such hard time in the relationship.

actually he never said that. I personally think it would be a good idea. This is clearly effecting his sex life and his self esteem and mental health. Him going to a sex therapist makes perfect sense. But I suspect if he did go to a sex therapist over this that therapist would encourage his partner to join in too. sex therapy works best when both parties are in the room.

I honestly think that if he doesn't accept any arrangement, as seeing a different woman with consent of his partner, sex toys or whatever

Untill we start putting chat GPT in a fleshlight you can't have a relationship with a sextoy. Even if we could that would supplant the relationship with his partner. You assume she would consent to seeing other women? Even if he wanted to it doesn't follow just because sex is not important to her that fidelity isn't important to her. And by the sounds of it this guy is looking for sexual intimacy not just sexual release. If he was allowed to see other women it would more likely be a mistriss than a call girl. In short if it worked he would effectivly be bringing a 3rd person into their relationship. Experimenting with polyamory as a way of dealing with sexual disfunction doesn't sound like a good idea to me.

A partners support isn't guaranteed to always be the support you want. Sometimes it can and should be the support you need not the support you want. Sometimes a partners support is to push you into addressing problems you don't feel upto addressing. Remember no one is asking her to just lay back and think of England. No one is asking her to leave her depression untreated. All she's being asked to do is acknowledge there is a problem and consult a doctor about whether it can be fixed.