Published on 12, July, 2020
Let's face it, I'm not and never will be cut out for the adult world in any way, shape or form. I feel like I'm only pretending to be eighteen, when really I'm a scared little girl who needs to be protected. But because I'm trapped in an adult's body I'm expected to do all the things normal people do and be good at them: go to college, find work experience, become independent. I'm not ready for any of that. I didn't grow up, I was dragged up.
I'm not even sure I want to do this course any more. It isn't what I thought it would be. How can I enjoy it when it seems like everything we learn we have to find out ourselves, and the practical sessions at the moment seem suspiciously like an excuse to get us doing the jobs the animal technicians can't be bothered with? I can't do an assessment on something I know nothing about. And waking up at 7.30 every morning means I'm constantly borrowing from tomorrow's 'spoons' just to get through the day.
It turns out the deadline for deciding the course isn't for you is this week. I was assured I could back out at any time. To think that I could soon be trapped on a course I'm not enjoying, especially now I have work experience somewhere where they want me in at 8.00, is terrifying. I'm not sure even counting the weeks until it's over, as I have been doing, can get me through that.
If it just came down to whether or not I want to do the course, I think I'd give it up. College clearly isn't for people like me. But it's not just that. I'd also be giving up the first friendship group I've ever had, the heap of money my family spent in order for me to do the course would be wasted, and I'd be just as screwed as everyone said I'd be if I didn't do the course. And also, my tutor's been very kind to me and I don't want to throw it in her face.
I'm now realising just what I pointless life I lead. A neurotic, autistic teenager who needs 12 hours of sleep to function is about as much use as a chocolate teapot. I'm just taking up space on the overpopulated planet and being a nuisance to everyone who knows me. I'm nothing but a fairytale character without a story, and if not even my own father wants me around, I shouldn't exist. If I could change time so that the baby my mum miscarried was born instead of me, I would.
I wish I could tell you what the point is. However, for some reason, I have always had a burning fight in me that is the thing that probably kept me going, and some unfathomable hope that things will get better at some point. Having children became the other thing that kept me going when I have been starting to have a nervous breakdown. And thanatophobia is another crucial reason that I am still here. But I have felt like you many times. I gave up a photography course because I got so anxious and felt unable to do it. I felt guilty because my employer at the time had paid for it too (but as I ended up going on stress leave and ultimately leaving through workplace bullying I got over that!) One important thing I have always told myself, is that you cannot ever rely on anyone else. No friend, or even relative can give you the things that you need. Only you can do that. If you feel like "half a person" for instance, by not being in a couple, meeting someone will not ever make you feel like a whole person. They could provide all the usual things you get from a relationship, but emptiness or anything else like that inside of you will stay the same. I also learnt that running away doesn't change anything, you still have the same problems inside and you take it with you.
I think you need to switch off to other people in a way, not let them bother you. Be self-sufficient, and only let in decent people as I believe we are very sensitive to the negative vibes from bad people. I wonder whether you should stick out the course for life experience. To see what happens when you do challenge your problems face-on and find ways of coping? Otherwise, you will set a pattern for yourself to run away when things get tough. Is there no way you would get even a partial refund if you did drop out? Perhaps you could do OU study instead if you feel that you really can't stick with it.
Regarding written work, I think you need to write down how you need it presented and ask that they give it to you like that. Explain that the LSA is not helping sufficiently and you are entitled to reasonable adjustments in law and that alternative written/verbal instructions geared towards your needs are reasonable adjustments.
When I was doing my OU course, I had telephone tutorials, and there were times my tutor had to really prompt me because an obvious answer didn't come into my head. The perils of verbal communication! Then I didn't have my diagnosis, when I resume my course I will explain what I need.