Published on 12, July, 2020
Let's face it, I'm not and never will be cut out for the adult world in any way, shape or form. I feel like I'm only pretending to be eighteen, when really I'm a scared little girl who needs to be protected. But because I'm trapped in an adult's body I'm expected to do all the things normal people do and be good at them: go to college, find work experience, become independent. I'm not ready for any of that. I didn't grow up, I was dragged up.
I'm not even sure I want to do this course any more. It isn't what I thought it would be. How can I enjoy it when it seems like everything we learn we have to find out ourselves, and the practical sessions at the moment seem suspiciously like an excuse to get us doing the jobs the animal technicians can't be bothered with? I can't do an assessment on something I know nothing about. And waking up at 7.30 every morning means I'm constantly borrowing from tomorrow's 'spoons' just to get through the day.
It turns out the deadline for deciding the course isn't for you is this week. I was assured I could back out at any time. To think that I could soon be trapped on a course I'm not enjoying, especially now I have work experience somewhere where they want me in at 8.00, is terrifying. I'm not sure even counting the weeks until it's over, as I have been doing, can get me through that.
If it just came down to whether or not I want to do the course, I think I'd give it up. College clearly isn't for people like me. But it's not just that. I'd also be giving up the first friendship group I've ever had, the heap of money my family spent in order for me to do the course would be wasted, and I'd be just as screwed as everyone said I'd be if I didn't do the course. And also, my tutor's been very kind to me and I don't want to throw it in her face.
I'm now realising just what I pointless life I lead. A neurotic, autistic teenager who needs 12 hours of sleep to function is about as much use as a chocolate teapot. I'm just taking up space on the overpopulated planet and being a nuisance to everyone who knows me. I'm nothing but a fairytale character without a story, and if not even my own father wants me around, I shouldn't exist. If I could change time so that the baby my mum miscarried was born instead of me, I would.
The sad thing is, half of this stuff I could have written myself... The title, certainly. I'm 25 now and still feel the way you do... which has made me despise myself more and more over the years. I used to sleep 12 hours (sleeping all through the morning into the afternoon), I think now I'm down to maybe 10... I actually was so depressed through my teenage years that I never expected to reach adulthood, so to find myself as an 18 year old rather stumped me because I had no plans. I still live in my bubble, stagnating and going nowhere.
I also did an animal care course and didn't get along with most people and had some very bad times during those two years... Part of the reason I did further education was to avoid getting a job, and then I ran out of further education and haven't had a job since. I feel like I'm not going to get one either, which leads me to the same thoughts as you- "what's the point?"