Published on 12, July, 2020
Let's face it, I'm not and never will be cut out for the adult world in any way, shape or form. I feel like I'm only pretending to be eighteen, when really I'm a scared little girl who needs to be protected. But because I'm trapped in an adult's body I'm expected to do all the things normal people do and be good at them: go to college, find work experience, become independent. I'm not ready for any of that. I didn't grow up, I was dragged up.
I'm not even sure I want to do this course any more. It isn't what I thought it would be. How can I enjoy it when it seems like everything we learn we have to find out ourselves, and the practical sessions at the moment seem suspiciously like an excuse to get us doing the jobs the animal technicians can't be bothered with? I can't do an assessment on something I know nothing about. And waking up at 7.30 every morning means I'm constantly borrowing from tomorrow's 'spoons' just to get through the day.
It turns out the deadline for deciding the course isn't for you is this week. I was assured I could back out at any time. To think that I could soon be trapped on a course I'm not enjoying, especially now I have work experience somewhere where they want me in at 8.00, is terrifying. I'm not sure even counting the weeks until it's over, as I have been doing, can get me through that.
If it just came down to whether or not I want to do the course, I think I'd give it up. College clearly isn't for people like me. But it's not just that. I'd also be giving up the first friendship group I've ever had, the heap of money my family spent in order for me to do the course would be wasted, and I'd be just as screwed as everyone said I'd be if I didn't do the course. And also, my tutor's been very kind to me and I don't want to throw it in her face.
I'm now realising just what I pointless life I lead. A neurotic, autistic teenager who needs 12 hours of sleep to function is about as much use as a chocolate teapot. I'm just taking up space on the overpopulated planet and being a nuisance to everyone who knows me. I'm nothing but a fairytale character without a story, and if not even my own father wants me around, I shouldn't exist. If I could change time so that the baby my mum miscarried was born instead of me, I would.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks the teaching style is completely ridiculous. The way they just give us a sheet to fill in without having taught us any of it reminds me of the technical challenge recipes on The Great British Bake Off, with instructions like 'Make the jam.' The practicals are very much like that too, all very 'Do this, do that, good luck, bye.' Most people in my class can't even stand the sight of me, so all that 'work in pairs' rubbish is a no-go.
I want to know what I'm doing, and I want what I write down to be correct. Just guessing because I've been taught virtually nothing isn't going to be much good to anyone. And that flipping LSA I mentioned before irritates the heck out of me.