31 year old undiagnosed female

Hi everyone. 

So I guess this is the first time I've really opened up about everything that's been rattling my brain lately. I have opened up to my husband (the thinking that I might be autistic) and he's suggested I go down the route of trying to get assessed. I feel like I need to pluck up the courage to call the GP about it, but as we're already dealing with doctors for infertility I don't want to have another thing to have to deal with for a prolonged amount of time, nor do I not want to be taken seriously. I am worried about trying to get assessed at such a later stage in life and having to give a reason for why the diagnosis would benefit me, and I'm worried that I'll go through 1-2 years of waiting to be told I'm normal.

The last three years have been incredibly tough for me and because of this I've been doing a lot of soul searching and have spent a lot of time looking back at my life and my behaviours and trying to work out what I'm comfortable with and why I have always felt slightly different to others. It's almost like it's dawned on me the reality of what it could be. Autism runs in my family on one side and Asperger's on the other, but those diagnosed are male and from a surface level you can tell they are further along the spectrum. I think I've always tried to fit in and behave in a way that's expected to mask myself as normal, but deep down I've always felt different and uncomfortable in situations that most people feel fine in. It's almost becoming more transparent as I get older and have to fit in around other adults and work expectations.

It was actually recently when I was watching Christine McGuinness's documentary about autism in girls and women that I had a bit of a shock to the system, lightbulb moment. Since then it's spiralled and I've put two and two together with SO many of my traits and behaviours. It was when Christine met Leanne and her mum mentioned the small sensory issues Leanne experienced as a child, including wearing her socks inside out because she couldn't bear to feel the seams of her socks in her shoes. I used to have meltdowns on the way to school if I could feel the seams of my socks, and my mum had to buy me seamless socks. To this day I can't bear when my socks or tights twist in my shoes and I can feel the lumps and bumps. I'm constantly readjusting them or my clothing and making sure what I'm wearing is comfortable, otherwise it's all I can think about. Anyway, it's a small thing but it was the start of me looking at a lot of other sensory issues and behaviours and now I'm where I am. I've taken online autism assessments and they always come out to say I have autistic traits so I should get seen.

So I thought I would write down everything I can think of (off the top of my head) that I'm thinking may be down to potential autism. I'm interested to get your thoughts really. I feel like there's so much more but this was what came to mind for this post.

• I have to wear comfortable clothes and I’m always adjusting clothing and tights, socks, underwear etc to make them comfortable to wear – I will get into pyjamas at earliest opportunity to be comfortable for the rest of the day.
• Constantly fiddling with hair, brushing hair so that it feels ‘comfortable’ on my head – prefer to not be able to feel my hair. Can’t stand being unable to control how my hair sits - when wind picks my hair up it’s very stressful. Wash my hair every day to get rid of slightest amount of grease.
• Don’t like too much background noise, especially when different sounds cross over i.e. TV in one room and music from another. Like to keep the TV volume quite low especially during conversations.
• Not always been great with eye contact but I force myself and am very aware of trying to make sure I balance out eye contact with looking away during a conversation
• Prefer to be alone most of the time but also need human interaction every so often and value friendships and social interactions. I find myself good at making friends, as long as the friendship has depth otherwise, I’m not interested in making a new friend. I’m not always good at holding onto friendships and will allow them to fizzle out.
• I prefer to do things on my own unless it’s with someone I’m very close and comfortable with.
• I find small talk very difficult and almost script these conversations based on what I’ve learnt from others. I struggle to know what to say and sometimes it’s more that I don’t care enough to ask the questions I think I should ask.
• Uncomfortable with making phone calls or answering phone calls that aren’t expected (more so when I have to answer the phone in front of other people). I have learned to get better with this because of repeated practices and scripting.
• I have a fear of driving which developed through learning to drive. It’s the fear of other drivers judging me and also fear of making mistakes because I really struggle to deal with all aspects of driving at the same time i.e. controlling the car manually whilst being aware of surroundings and also knowing what to do in a difficult situation. I find reversing very difficult because I feel like my brain can’t process doing it all backwards. Past traumas during driving have also contributed to this fear. Despite passing my test I refuse to drive.
• I have managed to get a well paid job in marketing that requires me to run meetings and give presentations and it never gets any easier the more I do them. I still dread doing them and find it the single most difficult aspect of my job but I have to force myself out of my comfort zone constantly. I stress over them constantly, even if they planned for months in the future.
• I struggle going out on my own and having to navigate my way somewhere especially if I don’t know where I’m going or if there are busy road crossings to deal with. I don’t like the idea of people in their cars looking at me as I walk. If I plan the route in advance or have done the route before I’m less uncomfortable.
• I often leave my husband to do the talking in public places i.e., getting the waiter’s attention in the restaurant to ask for the bill
• I hate going into places late where multiple people might look up and watch me walk in late
• I experience intense anxiety after drinking – I feel like it’s because I try very hard when sober to act normal that when I drink I lose inhibition, relax and do things I wouldn’t do when sober. Sometimes it’s as simple as I become really chatty but I still feel anxious thinking about what I might have said to embarrass myself. In the past I have been a wild child when drunk and I feel intense shame as a grown adult when I go over these memories.
• I hate being put on the spot and always have. When teachers would ask me a question on the spot I would panic, heart racing and scared to look stupid in front of classmates. If we do round table introductions at work my heart races and I go over my script again and again until it’s my turn to speak.
• I don’t like too much change although if I know it will be good change I often jump into it a bit too fast because I want the change right now. When I want something I get very frustrated when living in limbo or having to wait for what I want. Negative change is very detrimental to me for example during the start of the covid pandemic our team weren’t furloughed, instead we were forced to support the recruitment team for 2 months and I massively struggled with this sudden change in day to day work expectations. With the world shutting down and my job suddenly changing, I spiralled and really struggled to cope. This was further exacerbated by having a wedding pre-planned for later that year which caused a whole heap of additional stressors. This time period affected me mentally and physically and took me a long time to recover from and I would say I’m still in the process of healing.
• The shift from home working to going back to the office a couple of days a week has also been a very difficult change to adjust myself back to.
• I keep going and going and going, masking my discomfort and pushing through stress until it reaches breaking point. It’s usually once a year or so where I’ll reach the point of complete overwhelm and break down crying uncontrollably to the point where I’m sobbing. I’ve had meltdowns in the past and usually these are brought on by alcohol.