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Letting people down (supposedly)

Billy87

Does anyone else struggle with letting people down? Like as in you force yourself to do things you know you're not up to or well enough to do so as not to disappoint people or let them down.

For example, someone invites you to go somewhere with them and you know your not up to going but you go anyway so as not to disappoint or let them down. Particulary if its someone thats nice to you cos then you feel guilty 

Anyway I am learning to say no to things, slowly. Just wondered if anyone else has similar experiences 

  • I am terrible at saying no but I’ve been better at setting better boundaries - eg I now don’t put pressure on myself to respond on the spot and I say I need to check my diary, or if I’ve already got something social planned that week I make my excuses. I also just say I’m busy without feeling like I have to give explanation (or I’m hanging out with a friend (me, lol!). Unfortunately sometimes I think I would like to do something but when it comes to it I feel awful and  I say I have a migraine. This is all of course masking and I’m trying to figure out how/when to be honest without making people feel like they’re treading on my toes. I also think sometimes it’s a compromise to push yourself when it means a lot to the other person - my sister’s hen do abroad filled me with anxiety but I went because it meant the world to her and I love her. It took a lot out of me though.

  • in reply to Billy87
    Billy87 said:
    Im glad you have had the courage to tell people what causes you anxiety.

    It feels like you have to have courage but it's not that. I think we've spent so much time trying to fit in that we become expert at not doing what's right for us, constantly going along with what the majority appear to do. I've found NTs actually appreciate someone saying they struggle with socialising and they can go "Me too!". It's like everyone is putting on a charade of being upbeat and extrovert and they want permission to be able to stay at home in their PJs and not make so much effort. Also, the older I get the less I care what people think, so you have that to look forward to! 

  • in reply to This Person (Ottilie)

    Thank you! 

    This Person (Ottilie) said:
    I think if people know it isn't them that you don't want to be around, it's the situation it happens in then they will understand

    Thats a good point, I hope so 

    Im glad you have had the courage to tell people what causes you anxiety. I am still working on that

  • I heard Chris Packham say he turns down offers to go to the pub with colleagues now. He says something like "Thanks for asking but socialising that way doesn't work for me". I got asked to go to a coffee morning thing recently and I said I was suffering from social anxiety at the moment. It was fine and the person that asked me brought me some cake back from it and checked I was ok. I'm trying to say why I can't do something, instead of making up excuses, or do the thing even though I know I'd have a sleepless night with all the conversations going round my head, worrying if I'd upset anyone (which is what I used to do). Maybe suggest a way of being together that isn't so stressful for you? I think if people know it isn't them that you don't want to be around, it's the situation it happens in then they will understand . It's difficult to break habits though. Good for you for taking steps to do what's right for you.