Letting people down (supposedly)

I am terrible at saying no but I’ve been better at setting better boundaries - eg I now don’t put pressure on myself to respond on the spot and I say I need to check my diary, or if I’ve already got something social planned that week I make my excuses. I also just say I’m busy without feeling like I have to give explanation (or I’m hanging out with a friend (me, lol!). Unfortunately sometimes I think I would like to do something but when it comes to it I feel awful and  I say I have a migraine. This is all of course masking and I’m trying to figure out how/when to be honest without making people feel like they’re treading on my toes. I also think sometimes it’s a compromise to push yourself when it means a lot to the other person - my sister’s hen do abroad filled me with anxiety but I went because it meant the world to her and I love her. It took a lot out of me though.

I can relate to this.

Got the impression that the group host is making me go to every single event. Trying to explain that not keen on bingo and earring making.

Told them that I'm going to the quiz night and not drinking wine and eating cheese. They said I can drink water. Taking my own);

Website is useless and the up coming meetings. Some of the events you have to pay extra and not clear on the Website and poster. Also nothing in the town community magazine. Makes me feel unwelcome.

Getting treated with someone who got a learning disability. 

Billy87 said:

Im glad you have had the courage to tell people what causes you anxiety.

It feels like you have to have courage but it's not that. I think we've spent so much time trying to fit in that we become expert at not doing what's right for us, constantly going along with what the majority appear to do. I've found NTs actually appreciate someone saying they struggle with socialising and they can go "Me too!". It's like everyone is putting on a charade of being upbeat and extrovert and they want permission to be able to stay at home in their PJs and not make so much effort. Also, the older I get the less I care what people think, so you have that to look forward to! 

I always intend to say no but "Yes" comes out of my mouth before I can stop myself.

I struggle with that. I heard a good tip for this - in the moment try saying "Can I get back to you about it? I need to check a few things before I can decide/commit to that". Or not even giving a reason just "I'll get back to you about it" or "I'll let you know later". Then you buy yourself some time to process what commiting to something would cost you in terms of energy and sensory experience before deciding if it's worth doing for you. 

Thank you! 

This Person (Ottilie) said:

I think if people know it isn't them that you don't want to be around, it's the situation it happens in then they will understand

Thats a good point, I hope so 

Im glad you have had the courage to tell people what causes you anxiety. I am still working on that

Youve summed that up so well, its exactly how I feel. Thank you I feel comforted

I heard Chris Packham say he turns down offers to go to the pub with colleagues now. He says something like "Thanks for asking but socialising that way doesn't work for me". I got asked to go to a coffee morning thing recently and I said I was suffering from social anxiety at the moment. It was fine and the person that asked me brought me some cake back from it and checked I was ok. I'm trying to say why I can't do something, instead of making up excuses, or do the thing even though I know I'd have a sleepless night with all the conversations going round my head, worrying if I'd upset anyone (which is what I used to do). Maybe suggest a way of being together that isn't so stressful for you? I think if people know it isn't them that you don't want to be around, it's the situation it happens in then they will understand . It's difficult to break habits though. Good for you for taking steps to do what's right for you. 

I think it's people pleasing isn't it?

I'm the same. You know you can't do it. You know it's going to put so much strain on you and affect you in a negative way after the event.

Normally it's burnout for me after.

Saying no can be hard especially if it's with someone you like who's nice as pie.

My sister wanted to go in to town last year to see a movie and then go shopping and I didn't want to but I said yes anyway and it wrecked me.

I excused myself to the bathroom so many times, throwing up from the anxiety. 

When I got back home I had shutdown and meltdowns.

Saying no is hard.

The answer is usually yes but you know you're going to pay big time for it later.

I always intend to say no but "Yes" comes out of my mouth before I can stop myself.

People pleasing. Serious problem. Serious risk to your well-being.

Virtual hugs it sounds like you need them.