Published on 12, July, 2020
Sorry for first post here being a downbeat and inward-focussed one. This community seems wonderful, having hovered around for a few weeks.
Just need somewhere to offload sense of despair and cruelty of (my particular variety of) neurodivergence. Age 38, recently screened for Autism and beginning the three year wait for assessment.
Meanwhile, having held so much together for years (family, job, voluntary/leisure), everything is falling apart. Past five years have involved admitting vulnerability, making lifestyle changes, and being well supported by those around me. But it's just getting worse.
I thought that by striving and facing every difficulty and discomfort, and trying to hold my own in a world I don't understand, I would become more resilient but it's the complete opposite. I'm fully depleted and have no fight or assertiveness left. It's hurting those around me so much as I withdraw and avoid things and don't communicate properly.
I've sought support through various channels but they're all designed to equip you to face your difficulties, but I'm done facing my difficulties. I've proved I can do it, but any joy/satisfaction from functioning and overcoming difficulty is dwarfed by the miserable sense of inferiority and the giant uphill struggle involved.
People around me ask, earnestly, "how can we help"? I cannot give an answer to this question, as I'm so full of contradictions, shifting perspectives, and internal conflict that, while I'll sometimes contrive to give an answer to remove the awkwardness, the honest one is "I just don't know".
This condition is cruel.
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s quite understandable- sometimes the effort of just ‘normal life’ when you’re autistic is completely exhausting, and we often feel like failures.
one positive I notice in your post is that you do have people around you who are supportive and want to help. That’s a very good thing - not everyone has that. So that’s something to be grateful for.
Both myself and my two adult children are autistic and at various times in our lives we’ve found it very hard to feel positive about being autistic, because in many ways it can make life so much harder. I’ve spent a lot of my life ‘fighting’ to make life better for myself and my children, and often felt overwhelmed and felt like giving up. What’s the alternative though? Often I will sort of ‘crash’ for a while and feel very low. But ultimately there’s no good alternative to just keeping on trying day to day to live the best lives that we can. We deserve to be happy as much as anyone else. Are there things you enjoy that you can find comfort and enjoyment from? What helps you?
I find that getting outside into nature helps me a lot. Having a walk in the woods. Making a nice meal or watching a good film. Going on a trip somewhere - to the coast or a favourite place. And then hopefully after a while I can feel a bit more positive. I don’t think there are any easy answers - being autistic can make life hard sometimes. But there are some positives too.
Do you have a partner? Or good friends? Are they understanding and supportive? You’re not alone if it’s any comfort. I think all autistic people feel this way sometimes. In fact non autistic people often feel this way too. Sometimes life just feels very hard, but usually, eventually, things start to brighten a little and we move on. Good luck.
Thank you so much for this encouraging reply. Yes, wife and three kids. Wife has been heroic in recent times in trying to understand and support but it’s tough for her, as this journey of mine hasn’t fully played out, making me very unpredictable. Meanwhile family life = lots of commitments and responsibility and I’m gradually losing my hyper-conscientiousness for these.
The things that give me enjoyment are ever changing. Some are compatible with real-life functioning e.g. trips out with the kids. But many are insular/incompatible with my circumstances, many involve just being alone and doing a simple task/activity very slowly.
At this moment I’m outside, enjoying nature, but at the expense of work, so feeling somewhat peaceful but conflicted.
Very tricky!
It’s great that you have the support of your family. My husband is also very supportive and I feel very lucky. I also sometimes feel guilty however for struggling and needing a lot of patience and understanding from my husband. I think it’s important to recognise that we need to look after ourselves in order to do a good job of being a partner and parent. We have needs too and sometimes it’s easy to neglect those when we’re trying to do our best for our family. I’m sure your family understand so I don’t think you need to feel conflicted - the peace will do you good and benefit all of you ultimately. I think you need to recharge your batteries from the sound of it - and that’s really important. I hope you enjoy the rest of the day - don’t feel guilty for doing what you need to do to feel better!