Gender dysphoria post-diagnosis

Hi I haven’t started a post on here for a long time. Had a long 18 months since realising I was probably autistic, researching it, getting told no at a private assessment (which was an awful experience and took me a long time to get over), months of counselling and then, yes, getting it affirmed by the NHS that I’m autistic. Such a relief!

But it’s led to a new - arguably even bigger - dilemma now. In the process of accepting the authentic me and unmasking post-diagnosis, I’ve come to the realisation that I’d been dissociating most of my life and switching off my true thoughts and emotions. In no bigger way than with my gender: I was assigned male at birth; but I’ve realised I’ve never felt truly male, other than the fact my interests have been stereotypically manly (football and computer games).

On reflection, I’ve had conscious moments where I’d doubt my gender, particularly when I was single. But I think I always thought gender dysphoria was pervasive and meant someone just couldn’t live a single moment as their gender assigned at birth. I’ve just about lived a “normal” life with a career and marriage and kids, although I’ve not coped with all three at all and had thought it was just too much as I’m autistic.

I don’t know why but I also thought that, for me anyway, gender and sexuality went together. So the (multiple) times I’d privately question why I felt different or would borrow female clothing in private, I’d have the same thought loop “no I can’t be trans, I like women”. And then try and think no more about it. But it’s making sense to me now that my own brain might’ve been protecting myself with that persistent thought loop. I intuitively know gender and sexuality are separate; and I’ve always been a trans and LGBT ally. I just didn’t think the LGBT label applied to me too.

It now feels like my brain needed that thought loop just to end the internal debate. And, for some reason, I needed to feel settled with knowing I’m different from the norm because I’m autistic before my brain felt safe to acknowledge I’m trans.

Like I can remember posting on here a long time ago when I was first seeking help for working out if I was autistic and asking if anyone else loved intimacy but hated intimate touch. I can’t believe now that It didn’t occur to me that it might have been gender dysphoria, when it seems so ridiculously obvious now that I was struggling with some aspects of intimacy because I felt unease any time the focus was at my privates. But I put it down to an autistic/sensory issue, and couldn’t really understand why there weren’t many others on here saying “me too!” 

So, I know now that my struggles go beyond being autistic. I feel more feminine than masculine. And my special interests don’t define my gender. I know I need to explore this further. I’m most probably trans or non-binary if not. And I might be able to cope with things even more if I’m even more authentic and unmask my true gender as well as my autistic side.

It all may sound quite positive up to this point, but the truth is I’m so scared right now. Mainly of everyone’s reaction. No one thought I was autistic when I first concluded I probably was. And some people in my life still haven’t adapted to that. But my gender questioning feels like a step above. I feel like anyone in my life could be alarmed and dismissive about it. And it could affect my relationship with anyone. It’s scary.

Also I had been living on my own and had started to experiment with gender expression privately after having the thought a few months back and was comfortable with that. But finances have meant I’m now living with my parents. And I’ve tentatively mentioned it to my Mum but she reacted strongly to it (but I think only because it’s likely to be stressful). So I’ve backed off. I’ve tried to ask for some free counselling through the employee assistance program at work, but they’ve said they can’t provide it. They suggested joining a support group, which has led me back here.

So, has anyone else had the two light bulb moments in their life  of (1) realising their autistic and (2) realising they might be trans? Any advice?