Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi I haven’t started a post on here for a long time. Had a long 18 months since realising I was probably autistic, researching it, getting told no at a private assessment (which was an awful experience and took me a long time to get over), months of counselling and then, yes, getting it affirmed by the NHS that I’m autistic. Such a relief!
But it’s led to a new - arguably even bigger - dilemma now. In the process of accepting the authentic me and unmasking post-diagnosis, I’ve come to the realisation that I’d been dissociating most of my life and switching off my true thoughts and emotions. In no bigger way than with my gender: I was assigned male at birth; but I’ve realised I’ve never felt truly male, other than the fact my interests have been stereotypically manly (football and computer games).
On reflection, I’ve had conscious moments where I’d doubt my gender, particularly when I was single. But I think I always thought gender dysphoria was pervasive and meant someone just couldn’t live a single moment as their gender assigned at birth. I’ve just about lived a “normal” life with a career and marriage and kids, although I’ve not coped with all three at all and had thought it was just too much as I’m autistic.I don’t know why but I also thought that, for me anyway, gender and sexuality went together. So the (multiple) times I’d privately question why I felt different or would borrow female clothing in private, I’d have the same thought loop “no I can’t be trans, I like women”. And then try and think no more about it. But it’s making sense to me now that my own brain might’ve been protecting myself with that persistent thought loop. I intuitively know gender and sexuality are separate; and I’ve always been a trans and LGBT ally. I just didn’t think the LGBT label applied to me too.
It now feels like my brain needed that thought loop just to end the internal debate. And, for some reason, I needed to feel settled with knowing I’m different from the norm because I’m autistic before my brain felt safe to acknowledge I’m trans.
Like I can remember posting on here a long time ago when I was first seeking help for working out if I was autistic and asking if anyone else loved intimacy but hated intimate touch. I can’t believe now that It didn’t occur to me that it might have been gender dysphoria, when it seems so ridiculously obvious now that I was struggling with some aspects of intimacy because I felt unease any time the focus was at my privates. But I put it down to an autistic/sensory issue, and couldn’t really understand why there weren’t many others on here saying “me too!”
So, I know now that my struggles go beyond being autistic. I feel more feminine than masculine. And my special interests don’t define my gender. I know I need to explore this further. I’m most probably trans or non-binary if not. And I might be able to cope with things even more if I’m even more authentic and unmask my true gender as well as my autistic side.
It all may sound quite positive up to this point, but the truth is I’m so scared right now. Mainly of everyone’s reaction. No one thought I was autistic when I first concluded I probably was. And some people in my life still haven’t adapted to that. But my gender questioning feels like a step above. I feel like anyone in my life could be alarmed and dismissive about it. And it could affect my relationship with anyone. It’s scary.
Also I had been living on my own and had started to experiment with gender expression privately after having the thought a few months back and was comfortable with that. But finances have meant I’m now living with my parents. And I’ve tentatively mentioned it to my Mum but she reacted strongly to it (but I think only because it’s likely to be stressful). So I’ve backed off. I’ve tried to ask for some free counselling through the employee assistance program at work, but they’ve said they can’t provide it. They suggested joining a support group, which has led me back here.
So, has anyone else had the two light bulb moments in their life of (1) realising their autistic and (2) realising they might be trans? Any advice?
As someone who doesn't understand the concept of gender or what a"man" or a "woman" are, so I don't understand all what's between either. I have no idea how to figure out if I'm feeling like a woman or like a man or what exactly do I feel. I identify as a human. When I look at the mirror I see a female body so I tell people that I'm woman so I won't have to explain all the above and to make it easier for everyone, although recently I'm starting to see value in not doing that. I have no idea what you mean when you say "I feel more feminine than masculine" but don't get me wrong here, my best friend is transgender person.
I think gender is a term that we created when we were hunters gatherers and males had the role of hunting and fighting. They didn't have the luxury to be sensitive or show weakness. Nowadays we don't hunt nor fight to obtain our basic needs.. they are allowed to express their humanity the way they want. Life isn't that tough on them anymore and they don't need to be tough nor providers or protectors. With the idea of the always strong, brave and insensitive masculine falling out of need, why are we still stuck with it?. Does this make them women now?. Our modern world allows us to be more equal and similarly express ourselves, so what's masculine now?. A male crying in the bus wearing a dress is a woman or just a distressed human who feels comfortable in dresses?. Is the fact that I wear shirts and jeans without any makeup or accessories mean I'm a man or just a human who likes comfy practical things?. Isn't it us who raised our kids in different ways and taught them how become men and women? What happens if we stop doing that? Won't they grow up to just be themselves??. Isn't us who decided that women can take maternal leave from work when she has a baby? What happens when we give the same option to all humans? Isn't it us who created the illusion of gender and inforced it in our law systems and stereotypes?. Wouldn't it be a great world to teach a boy that sexual harrasment isn't part of "manhood"? Or to teach a girl that it's okay to be a woman and sex-positive?. We tell little girls that they are princesses, put them in dresses, ask them to talk softly and not express their desires so we are the ones who created the idea of "feminine" in the first place by raising little girls to become "women". If we decide to raise girls to be brave, vocal and tough, the idea of a woman completely changes. This fact that it's just our creation and not something we are born with makes gender so confusing. We created it! It doesn't really exist! Why would I define myself by it then!. We are the ones who told little boys that they are heros, bought them cars for Christmas and taught them that a man is vocal about his desires and doesn't express emotions. What happens when we stop raising those kids this way?. Wouldn't gender all together disappear?. It would be so confusing to an adult who never heard the word "be a man/woman". Their reaction would be "what do you mean?". That's exactly my reaction... Am I supposed to fit the stereotype of a woman so I would be one?!. Can't I just be a human?..
I'm writing things that might not interest you now, but the idea of gender really confuses me. It doesn't exist and it would disappear once we stop talking about it.
Well to answer the feeling more feminine than masculine point, I reject the idea that I ever would’ve been a hunter gatherer. I would’ve much preferred to look after the cave. And translating that to the modern world, I don’t want to be a breadwinner or to provide in the traditional male sense.
So, although I know what you mean that gender shouldn’t matter anymore, it’s being told “your gender should do this” which is distressing. And it’s been confusing when I’ve made choices in life because I’ve thought I should do something or feel a certain way because I’ve been male.
Just to add, I’ve been so pro-gender neutrality with raising my kids. So correcting gender stereotypes with either my son or daughter, whenever someone tried to limit their possibilities. I just thought that was because I was a strong ally. Now I’m not so sure. I think it was my subconscious trying to defend myself!