Published on 12, July, 2020
My cousin is nearly 50. She has not been formally assessed or diagnosed with autism but has exhibited many classic signs all throughout her life.
Until very recently she lived a protected life with her Mum, and we all simply made allowances for her tendencies. We call it walking on eggshells. She had a terrible time in school and was tested for all sorts of learning disabilities but was never tested for autism. Very frustrating. Now it has become the elephant in the room; it is like we all "think" she is autistic, albeit high functioning, but no-one dare broach it with her directly for fear of really upsetting her.
Last week her Mum died unexpectedly. The family home will be sold, and her siblings will help her find her own flat. This is all going to be so traumatic for her. She will need financial help through PIP as the family is not wealthy, but to do so, she will need to be assessed or diagnosed.
My question is this: After years of never having discussed with her the possibility of being autistic, HOW on earth do we go about doing it now? SHOULD we even consider it? Now that she is an adult, CAN we? In hindsight, it is something that should have been done years ago and would most likely have helped her. I know she feels different and is easily upset but we have all tried to support her in the wrong way, by pretending there was not a reason for how she felt.
All suggestions gratefully received.
Hi I am 65 and going through an assessment. I know of others who did when older than 50. It explains quite a few things going back to childhood. Consider a way to talk to her explaining possible benefits. As I understand stuff it will be her choice. I have just been awarded PIP. It is worth applying for but don’t be put off by first refusal. If you say there was pretending there was no reason for how she felt but now there is realisation of reasons then explain there is now some understanding. Do a bits and bobs approach in a propositional empathic way and see how it progresses.
You're never too old for anything!
It could be a life changing thing for her so I think you guys should definitely go for it.
Definitely not too old! Many of us born in the 50s, 60s and 70s, who flew under the radar as children are now being identified and indeed a diagnosis could help your cousin now.
Whatever her difficulties, however, she would have to want it. Someone would have to raise it with her and support her through the process. I would try framing it in the positive. There are very many positive aspects to being autistic.
Hi 86158,
I echo "Number's" reality analysis although it's never too late for a diagnosis in my opinion. I approached my GP for a referral and was fortunate enough at age 76 to get one reasonably quickly in a few months whereas some are waiting much much longer.
I never attempted to apply for PIP owing to the many highlighted disappointments by Number.
Number said:There are many, many tales of woe on these pages of people expecting some kind of practical change or tangible support after being diagnosed........and all I have ever heard is disappointment and upset being expressed.
A good reality check is needed in this regard.
Asperger Mike
Not much help, but at age 66 I am going to press for a formal diagnosis.
Hello 86158.
If it is your presumption, assumption or expectation that a diagnosis will somehow result in financial or "caring" support for this person, then I am afraid that, in ALL likelihood, you are unfortunately wrong.
There are many, many tales of woe on these pages of people expecting some kind of practical change or tangible support after being diagnosed........and all I have ever heard is disappointment and upset being expressed.
Before you potentially "upset the apple cart" with telling this person "what" they are and "what" they should do about it, please ensure that you are properly and realistically informed about what it would mean if "all goes to plan" from the wider family's perspective.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news (probably), but I presume that you would rather know this, than not.
Assuring you of my best intentions regarding this matter and I do wish you all the very best of luck at this difficult time, with this delicate matter.
Kind regards
Number.
Stick the BBC series about autism if with Chris Packham. Let them find the area on their own and then you could always be like 'ah, this sounds familiar' or something.
Becoming interested in the area of autism isn't hard for those with difficulties in life, I bet they are wondering what on earth is up themselves
I’m nearly 50, and someone thought I was ‘going travelling’ when I quit my part time job lol. I explained my eldest was 28 next month and they went into shock So, you are never too old. I was 48 when I got my diagnosis. I know the person being assessed before me was mid to late seventies.
As for PIP, that’s very hard to get. Especially if one is able to talk, make food and dress!!
I agree with Shardovan.
I'd like to add that PIP requires a person to be unable to carry out daily living skills (self care like washing, dressing, making meals, etc.) and be unable to communicate and/or understand, be unable to go places independently. It sounds like your cousin may have difficulties with these skills but I'd suggest looking into the specifics of what PIP claims require.
If she requires a carer, there is the Carers Allowance benefit (I don't know about the requirements for that). Also, perhaps her GP can be of help if he or she is familiar with your cousin's issues. Good luck.
I've inadvertently side-stepped the bigger part of yuor question. She'd have to be on board, and how you broach the subject may require tact. While I always had questions about myself, I never sought diagnosis until two things aligned: 1. Unbearable levels of anxiety and invisible distress in my 40s, with diminishing energy to stave off burnout and sustain masking. 2. A friend being brave and kind enough to suggest I might want to consider an assessment. Even that suggestion gave me this massive sense of validation and relief. It may be the same for your cousin.
Nearly 50 is definitely NOT too old. I don't think there is a 'too old'. I've seen people in recent weeks say they got a formal diagnois in their 60s and 70s in one case. Even if it was at age 99, isn't having some comfort and helpfully adjusted perspective in knowing for sure a worthwhile thing to pursue? Undoubtedly. I wish your cousin well.