What was your life like before you knew you were autistic?

good question , I was always " the scream" by edvard munch in my head , confused ,riddled with self loathing , confusion, anxiety. I didn't understand why people hated me so much ,i would try so hard but always they shunned me, took any reason to ridicule me ,belittle me .. I still don't understand why but i have a reason now . So i am kinder to myself ,still full of rage but at the world and not myself  .

Unknown said:

# me too.  T total now.

Me three. T total since 2017 

Billy87 said:

I also drank way to much to calm my nerves in social situations

# me too.  T total now.

Roy said:

To just know I’m not mad or bad has honestly saved my life.

# me too.  And I am now MUCH calmer.

School was difficult. The social aspect. I was very anxious but didn’t know at the time. Work life was difficult. Fulltime hours killed me, as did the dreaded breaks and lunchtime where I was supposed to interact. I couldn’t eat in front of people either.
I spent a large portion of my life pretending to be like other people when socialising, while inside I felt out of my depth and anxious. I did pubs and clubs until I was about 26. I struggled to maintain friendships, and loved being at home in my four walls. I had very low self esteem and awful perfectionism. However,  I thought I was above everyone intellectually, as most people seemed stupid and had no common sense. It seems I could do everything and knew everything, yet was unable to do simple things and I hated myself for it. I felt stupid!

I had problems with relationships from not understanding things, and being too blunt, too unemotional and nit wanting to go out. I also got myself into someone tricky situations with men, as I didn’t realise I was being lied to, used or manipulated and more…..

When married, and children came along, the school run was horrid, and having parents come to the home to collect a child or drop one off was awful. I left all the clubs and parties and collections/drop offs to the husband. I was confused why children were naughty and didn’t do as asked. I exercised a lot of control and order and routine in the household, which was a blessing in one way, and bad in another.
I avoided visiting his family, never wanted to meet other people, his friends, hated holidays, would never dare go too far or for too long. I barely left the house, so left all outside things the ex. I didn’t answer the door, never used the phone. However, I worked for myself at home successfully. I had frequent violent meltdowns in the last 6-8 years of my marriage from stress, change etc and my husband being nasty to me.

I did eventually see a dr for depression and social anxiety and had CBT, that helped, I did push my boundaries a lot more , but I found I still felt the same, and suffered afterwards though I didn’t give up.

When my ex husband left in 2015 and I had burnout. Went down 3 dress sizes in as many months and there was nothing to me. After a year or so I started picking up. I felt so much better without the stress of a marriage, and I was forced to start being independent again. I managed. I got through it. Felt like I did before marriage, and got ‘me’ back. I was in a much better place. A lot more happened, but I didn’t get my thunderbolt moment until 2020. It all went *** up from there lol.

I felt out of place and confused before my diagnosis. A bit alien I guess nothing felt right and it was like I was a stranger amongst every one else

After the diagnosis I felt I knew myself who I was and it was a good feeling and remains a great feeling

Identical. Nothing has changed, at all.

Far worse than it is now. I always felt I was trying to be something and that there was a secret to sucess in life that eveyone else had and I just couldnt figure out. I would mirror other people and try to be like them so I would fit in with society. I would force myself to do jobs and things that I couldnt do as I felt everyone else can do it why cant I 
I thought I was either weak or lazy for not being able to cope with normal work and I compensated for my social anxiety and lack of social skills by making myself the class clown, being loud and brash and doing some truly stupid things. I figured if people were laughing at the things I did then they wouldnt see how scared I was underneath. I also drank way to much to calm my nerves in social situations

Thankfully I can say none of that is the case anymore. Discovering my autism changed everything and helped me make sense of my life and start to accept myself 

The biggest change for me was finally knowing, why? Suicidal thoughts have gone down massively. Some days are still hard and occasionally confusing. To just know I’m not mad or bad has honestly saved my life. Autism isn’t  all negative. We are amazing people, we just need to be given a chance sometimes.

For me, it's been such a relief to discover that I can stop trying to fix myself now. It's been obvious my whole life that there was something 'wrong' with me - I could never seem to fit in with the popular kids, so hung around the edges with other geeks and misfits like me. Then immediately after sixth form college, I fell into an abusive relationship which meant becoming completely isolated from everyone except him and by the time I managed to move on from that, I was - I now realise - in complete burnout, I'd gone mute and I couldn't speak to anyone. I figured I was broken by this relationship and needed fixing. So I've spent much of my adult life trying to work out how I'm broken and how to move on from this experience. Now I realise that this is just me and that's actually a huge relief - I can just rest up and accept that there are always going to be people I can't click with and that's ok. And more importantly than anything perhaps - I've discovered that there are tonnes of people just like me! I'm not the only weirdo out there, hooray! And I mean that in the most affectionate way of course!

My opinion of others like me has also changed since I found out I'm autistic. It's brilliant to look at us as a whole community of people. I think we're a really vital part of society. In a way, we're the glue that holds it all together. We're the ones who perceive the deeper meaning, who discover the hidden depths, who piece together the disparate parts to understand how complex things work and who notice the jarring discomfort when the world is not in order. The popular kids at school never had the patience or interest to get to grips with any of that and I know that's a sweeping statement and won't be true in every case. But I think it's really important that the autistic community is valued and supported in the world because I think we have a huge amount to contribute.

Childhood was a mixed bag, but mostly for non-autistic reasons, except being bullied and struggling to fit in and make friends. Adolescence and adulthood were bursts of accomplishment followed by months or years of burnout and depression. I'm currently neither accomplishing nor really burnt out or depressed, which is new territory.

I never did have any long-suffered friends, only relationships of a purely convenient nature, life outside of diagnosis for me was a negative-automatic limbo. 
Where employment was concerned, they were purely exploitative contracts, that ended the moment my development came into question. 
Any changes that I tried to enact in my life, were seen by others as a waiting game, for when my inspiration ran out and I conformed. As people realised that waiting for me to become useful again over time, was a fruitless endeavour, they became frustrated and sought to punish me or prevent me from being a liability to them.  
I think by the time that I had a diagnosis the neurotypical world, had already consigned me to the dustbin, they doubted that I was likely to level-out or succeed.

Better.  I wasn't aware what the problem was, still tried to 'fit in & be normal', have a life, wish that was still the case.  Apart from making sense of my life & understanding why it has been so difficult at times (late diagnosed) finding out has not done me any favours at all.

Before I knew or before I was diagnosed? Before I knew life was … good, although it didn’t feel it at the time. Thats the problem. Like most autistic people I only found out when things started to go wrong so I associate that time with a lot of heartache. But my circumstances were much better than they are today.

I had people in my life, even if I wouldn’t say I had a proper social life I did get out and talk to people regularly. I felt better in my body, far far less anxious about the future and interacting with people.

and I had my health, good vision etc.

I was hugely frustrated they didn’t seem to be a place for me, either socially or in terms of any of my aspirations.

Hi, life before autism awareness was always a bit of a struggle, same as most older autistic people, I always knew I was different but never thought it was autism. I went on my first flight when I was 17 , I stayed with family in California. To be honest I spent most of my time in my room watching the original Star Trek, everything around me felt too different. The autistic boy watching Star Trek all day! How didn’t I see the signs?

School was always uncomfortable, I’ve just started watching ‘A Kind of Spark’, watching autistic people navigate school, all the slamming locker doors, multiple conversations and general nastiness by some students actually started triggering me, a had to watch it in bite size pieces.

starting work was not easy, I just never seemed to fit in. I think I was more adventurous when I was younger, anxiety was always running in the background, now it is much more prevalent. Looking back I can now see how many things I did were pure autism. I do manage life  a lot better now, I know what is likely to cause most stress or over stimulation and adjust myself or environment. On the whole I mange better knowing I’m autistic. It would have not been helpful to have been labelled autistic in the 70’s or 80’s at school, it would have been a label and there was no understanding of autism.

It helped me a lot finally finding out that I am autistic at age 25. I have known from quite a young age that I am somehow 'different'. My mum and I said we were 'aliens'. I think it was confusing at times as I couldn't understand why some things/ situations were so difficult when they seemed easy to others. I think I pushed myself too hard too at times because I didn't realise why I was different and felt like I should be able to cope like others. 

I started having more mental health issues as I grew older and before I was diagnosed with autism. I felt like I was just collecting these random diagnoses, none of which really seemed to fit and noone seemed able to help. I didn't seem to fit into their categories and as a result their approach to helping didn't do much for me. It was frustrating. In fact when my dietitian mentioned that she thought I could be autistic, I initially completely dismissed it as I didn't know about how autism presents in women and my reaction was ' I really do not need another label... ' . By that time I had amassed quite a diverse collection: depression, eating disorders (different categories- they really didn't get that right either.... it was ARFID all along), suggestion of OCD, anxiety etc. But when I started reading about autism it suddenly made so much sense. I mean there was then a huge confusion, the impostor syndrome issue etc. but I was referred for assessment and I eventually got diagnosed. 

I still face a lot of challenges but I feel like now at least I understand myself better and can start to tackle some of my issues. I feel like I have finally stopped 'barking up the wrong tree'. 

I wanted to be everyone's friend, but felt isolated. TV was my coping mechanism, as a boy, but am only now seeing a life beyond my four walls.

I'm the same...I'm trying to be less hard on myself and be positive.  Oh and fire alarms, don't get me started

Before I knew I was autistic, I wondered why  i wasn't able to work outside the home or maintain friendships like other people who had anxiety.  My medical notes are littered with references to my anxiety.  I was told off my a consultant endocrinologist once for being too anxious and making myself ill and I need to just take sertraline for it ...a GP once said I was causing trouble for everyone with my worries.

Has been wonderful to provide them with my diagnostic report, the bleeping bleeps!!!!

For me there was a huge amount of inner turmoil, confusion and despair because i couldn't fathom why i was so different to those around me and why i seemed to struggle more than others. It also caused a prolonged identity crises because i didn't know where i fitted in to society despite wanting to contribute lots and being ambitious. Whilst my autistic realization in December was very overwhelming with so much to comprehend the overriding feeling was relief. I feel much calmer now than i did before