What was your life like before you knew you were autistic?

Phases of it were okay. There were times when by accident I ended up living an autistic-friendly lifestyle and doing more or less okay. The rest was terrible. People were constantly trying to change me in ways it's not possible for me to change.

Since realising I'm autistic, for the first time in my life I've experienced being in the comfort zone people were always telling me I needed to get out of. It's nice. I plan to spend as much of the rest of my life here as possible.

The whole thing came up again like a corpse from a peat bog in the early 90's for me when first, my GP waved my medical notes around, and I saw what had been written about me as a child. But it wasn't called autism in those days, but closer to madness. My mother then told me my niece was suspected as having autism. However, the literature brought up very painful feelings, especially the way it banged on about the lack of empathy thing. It all lead to a massive row with my mother, and I didn't see my family for over two years, after leaving the UK for good. 

At that time, autism was not on the radar the way it is now. Two of the schoolchildren I currently teach have been diagnosed with it. So has my niece's boy, I don't think she was though. 

A counsellor I saw briefly did say to me that all this would never have hurt me as much as it did if there wasn't some truth to it, and he was happy enough to tell me he thought he could see autistic traits in me, though I didn't ask him what these might be. 

I was so scared at the time I might be unemployable and worse, and an object of pity. My parents were not really able to deal with my difficulties as a child, and I think they felt a sense of shame. Especially if they were being blamed for it.

Now it does seem that autism is less of a big deal, and carrying less stigma, with more well-known people 'coming out.' I would have liked a lot more transparency and honesty what was going on with me as a child, and to have had more knowledge and insight about why certain things were inexplicably difficult for me as an adult. Especially in my early twenties, when it would have been really useful. 

There is still no blood test that can definitely detect autism, though.

So really, there was never really any before, though I was pretty much left in the dark about what 'it' was. I didn't know that if this is what it is, that it is life long, rather than just a childhood thing. 

Before I knew I was autistic, my self-esteem was awful. I thought I was a lazy, useless person who was rubbish at doing 'proper adult' things. Since self-realisation and subsequent diagnosis I'm gradually starting to believe the truth- that I just struggle with different things than other people do, because that's the way I'm made, and it's not a personal failing to be autistic any more than it's a personal failing that I have physical disabilities.

I wouldn't say I'm relentlessly positive about being autistic- it makes me great at my job, but also makes me cry if the smoke alarm goes off- but knowing is making it easier to forgive myself for not being like everyone else.

I can relate to what others are saying in their responses. 

For me, before realising that I'm Autistic, it felt ok to be myself. I thought I was eccentric/unique and I didn't like people. I didn't care what people thought of me because I didn't like or respect them, so why care what they think of me? I enjoyed my alone time and special interests. I still feel these feelings after finding out that I'm Autistic. I am also amazed and grateful that I accomplished as much as I have while having Autistic traits since childhood. 

I grew up in the USA and moved to London in 1990. In my opinion, I've felt more like being myself here because eccentricity is more accepted here. In the USA, there's more pressure to be like everyone else or be ostracised.

The main changes for me now, knowing I'm Autistic, are understanding what a meltdown is, why they occur, why I go into shutdown, why my verbal communication and comprehension are problems, why I dread using the telephone, why I avoid people, why I hate people touching or doing anything with my possessions, why change is upsetting, what masking is and when I can unmask (at home). My angry meltdowns at home have nearly stopped since I go immediately into shutdown/complete silence. That sounds like it isn't a "healthy" response but it is for me - I don't have tiring explosions and my relationship with my boyfriend is better.

I don't think I would want to have lived as a non-Autistic person. I think it has made me more interesting and unique. I do wish the world would have been more understanding and supportive. Hopefully, this will happen in future.

I tend to push myself less now and am happer not being so challenged. I give myself more time, always have one day on a weekend that I do nothing, like today. My GP  diagnosis was swiftly followed by a meltdown caused by loosing my dad and all the Covid stuff. I understood far more by then and saw that I had smaller meltdowns before this. I have accepted how I am and have planned for the future to have a easier and happier life, hopefully.

Before my realisation and subsequent diagnosis, life was confusing. I noticed that other people found things - mostly 'people things' - much easier than me. I thought that they had similar problems to me, but were much better at dealing with them. Little did I know that most of the problems I had, did not exist at all for them. In many ways I was stronger than most people, because I had to push myself to overcome profound problems in order to live a rewarding life. A type of life that was just given to them on a plate.

I was as quiet then as I am now. A defence mechanism I suppose. I forgive myself a lot easier now than I did back then though. I’m also motivated to try and help myself a bit more than ever before.