Published on 12, July, 2020
I’ve read a few bits since being here that have got me thinking today. Although I’m glad I found out I’m asd, and it explains so much of my life, I’m also angry because honestly I’d really rather not be. I’m also starting to think it’s taking over my life… Everything I do now in the back of my head it’ll be ‘thats the autism’. So part of that is well it’s okay, you don’t need to feel bad about not fitting in anymore or the meltdowns, but now I can’t get it out of my head. It’s almost like I’ve become stuck. Constantly reading about it, assessing things I do, knowing that if I don’t want to do something I don’t actually have to because of it. That in itself is becoming another addition that’s contributing to the burnout, which is ridiculous.
Anyone else feel like this?
If it helps, and full disclosure I am that rare beast, an autistic person involved in pre assessment screening and post assessment mentoring and support.
I have spoken to literally hundreds of people who have just received an autism diagnosis, over 20 just this year. It is a big life changing event getting a diagnosis and all is have questions and unresolved stuff which have taken years and years to build up.
I don't know how long ago you were assessed, but analysing yourself to death is really common post assessment, I did it myself for long enough. One of the most common questions I come across is which but of me is me and what is my autism. The truth is that they are one and the same thing.You are you because you are autistic, if you could take your autism away you would not be you. Wish you were not autistic is like wishing yourself away. People love you, hard for many of us to get our heads round, but we are liked and loved by others because of who we are, and that includes our autism. You are not a broken version of a non autistic person, but there are challenges.
I am trying to manage my obsessions.at the moment.as they are making me poorly (Astronomy related stuff, I scratched a telegraph Christmas, it ruined everything). You will have had intense special interests in the past, autism is your latest I am guessing, but it will pass, you can't and won't stay your own special interest forever. You will find your new 'new'.
A diagnosis is a gift, it is a privilege these days with waiting lists being what they are. You have been given an opportunity see start again and put a full stop on everything that went on before. An opportunity to be who you really are, to be kinder to yourself, to forgive yourself and your younger you and to look.at your life through a new lens and do what you need to do.to be happy on your terms.and without guilt.
But all this takes time...
Someone mentioned imposter syndrome, yep, been there, done that, it's really common early on and can take time to work through, but you will.
I hope my post helps a little, I go on a bit.....
‘…to look at your life through a new lens and do what you need to do to be happy on your terms, and without guilt’. Yes. I think that’s exactly right. Well said.