Published on 12, July, 2020
I’ve read a few bits since being here that have got me thinking today. Although I’m glad I found out I’m asd, and it explains so much of my life, I’m also angry because honestly I’d really rather not be. I’m also starting to think it’s taking over my life… Everything I do now in the back of my head it’ll be ‘thats the autism’. So part of that is well it’s okay, you don’t need to feel bad about not fitting in anymore or the meltdowns, but now I can’t get it out of my head. It’s almost like I’ve become stuck. Constantly reading about it, assessing things I do, knowing that if I don’t want to do something I don’t actually have to because of it. That in itself is becoming another addition that’s contributing to the burnout, which is ridiculous.
Anyone else feel like this?
Hi zoe, yes, I feel exactly the same, everything you describe is me for the last 10 months. Before diagnosis I actually felt I might have found a group of friends after many years wondering how it was done, now I just think, I'm wasting my time, in never going to gel with these people. I used to see myself as quirky, now I see myself as different and not capable of making close friends. That said, I'm hoping it might be different in the autistic community.
I agree about not going ahead with certain things because you don't have to. I've done that a lot more since my diagnosis too.
As for my mood, I swing from... This is not going to change me, I'm going to carry on as I was before... To, this has completely changed my thinking, how can I carry on as before. Hope that makes sense.
Anyway, good luck, hopefully we can all learn from each other on here.
I’ve had the same experiences over 30 years ago when I first came out as gay in my past life (then a bad move in Catholic Rural Ireland of that time) and I found huge non-acceptance on the Dublin gay scene from other gay men because of my only child background, but I’m not as strong a person I thought I was, because my parents, because of thier own trauma issues (where their marriage was disapproved of as a consequence) were neglectful and did not give me enough of the kind of harsh upbringing and enough harsh enough strict discipline that my grandparents on my Dad’s side always said I needed - and before they encouraged me to go for diagnosis in 2019, this lack of proper discipline in childhood was constantly cited for my developing autism - when I moved to Manchester in 2002 (another bad move) I found that non-acceptance even greater from other gay men and I was labelled all sorts of names based on the prejudice and discrimination that is rife within the gay community - post (online) diagnosis I’m still trying to get a post-diagnostic assessment to establish my support needs and not having this has caused me to quit working today, as I’m more likely to be able to access adult autism support if not working, even if this involves “awkward” conversations with jobcentre and others - I’ve always been conditioned from childhood to be on my own, but in the light of my diagnosis, family in Ireland are insisting that I have a live-in carer or long-term residential placement in order to provide the ultra strict Millitary style discipline that they firmly believe and maintain is vital to managing my condition
Hi LostGUY, yes I am the same when it comes to finding friends. Though you may still gel with the new group of people, I suppose it could be entirely possible that one of them may be ND too. I wish I could offer some advice but I don’t have a great track record! I see people post in here though that do have friends, so it’s not entirely impossible just because you have a diagnosis, don’t give up :)
And yes it does make sense, part of me at the back of my mind thinks ok, it’s just a label I’ve found out about myself. But it’s not just a label to identify myself to other people, it’s the way my brain works, and that’s why I’ve found so many thing’s difficult up to this point. And I doubt they’ll stop being difficult, but I guess at least I now know why.