Post diagnosis

If it helps, and full disclosure I am that rare beast, an autistic person involved in pre assessment screening and post assessment mentoring and support.

I have spoken to literally hundreds of people who have just received an autism diagnosis, over 20 just this year. It is a big life changing event getting a diagnosis and all is have questions and unresolved stuff which have taken years and years to build up. 

I don't know how long ago you were assessed, but analysing yourself to death is really common post assessment, I did it myself for long enough. One of the most common questions I come across is which but of me is me and what is my autism. The truth is that they are one and  the same thing.You are you because you are autistic, if you could take your autism away you would not be you. Wish you were not autistic is like wishing yourself away. People love you, hard for many of us to get our heads round, but we are liked and loved by others because of who we are, and that includes our autism. You are not a broken version of a non autistic person, but there are challenges.

I am trying to manage my obsessions.at the moment.as they are making me poorly (Astronomy related stuff, I scratched a telegraph Christmas, it ruined everything). You will have had intense special interests in the past, autism is your latest I am guessing, but it will pass, you can't and won't stay your own special interest forever. You will find your new 'new'.

A diagnosis is a gift, it is a privilege these days with waiting lists being what they are. You have been given an opportunity see start again and put a full stop on everything that went on before. An opportunity to be who you really are, to be kinder to yourself, to forgive yourself and your younger you and to look.at your life through a new lens and do what you need to do.to be happy on your terms.and without guilt.

But all this takes time...

Someone mentioned imposter syndrome, yep, been there, done that, it's really common early on and can take time to work through, but you will.

I hope my post helps a little, I go on a bit.....

Thanks for your reply, and don’t apologise for going on. I didn’t skip anything (sometimes I doing I can’t cope with long replies!). 

That’s the thing though, maybe I don’t want to be me. The older I get the less I like myself. Maybe it was easier when I was younger, confused and naive. I don’t know. You say I am loved, by maybe 3 people, literally. I don’t think there will be many at my funeral! And that in itself is sad, because I guess I haven’t made a mark, I’m not seen as valued and someone that offers something to the world. But I wish I was. I’ve tried to be generous with people that I’ve had in my life in the past, and I still am with acquaintances. But it’s never reciprocated. So I guess the older I’ve got the more bitter I’ve become and realised it’s not really worth trying anymore. Sorry that all sounds so pessimistic (I’ve always been pessimistic, it’s better that way, your not surprised then) and depressive, but I’m actually not really what I’d classed as being depressed atm. But to everyone else I’d be seen as miserable! Anyway I’m diverting from your post - sorry. 

But yes you’re right in that it has probably become my special interest, something I hadn’t realised. Not long after diagnosis (less than a year) I thought I should train so that I could be involved in some way in a work sense, that always happens with my special interests until I’ve had enough and move on to the next thing. 

Anyway thanks for your reply, it’s appreciated. 

Zoe - you never have to apologise for posting on your very own thread....our thoughts often resonate in ways that we cannot anticipate but that turn out to be really helpful and reassuring for other people......which feeds nicely into what I am going to say to you (for what that's worth!)

In this instance, I can tell you that the middle chunk of your writing above resonates VERY strongly with my life experience.  I started to feel a lot better about myself and the world when I started to judge both of those things by my own metrics, rather than by the metrics that are drummed into us by the NT world.

For me, Zoe, it is the little things that REALLY count.  Not how many people will turn up at your funeral.  Not why you can get back your 'old self' and your 'old friends.'  The worth in your life is probably as weird and wonderful as your own brain....it will be different - but equally as valuable.  Your contribution to this world will similarly be different - but again equally as valuable.

The little shared and silent moments of connection I find with people throughout the day......the genuine small glance, half smile, kindly nod, momentary assistance, stunning sun beam etc......it all sounds really trite when you write it down, but in the moment......it is GOLDEN.

Keep the faith Zoe....you will recover some energy and some enthusiasm for your world soon enough.

The key is to keep sane whilst you wait.

With understanding & support to you.

Number.

You are welcome.  My empathy gland swells when I read posts like yours above.  I know what you speak of.....and defo never need a response...again, I super-get-it  !

You are welcome.  My empathy gland swells when I read posts like yours above.  I know what you speak of.....and defo never need a response...again, I super-get-it  !