Emotions and Feelings... Can you relearn them?

Thanks Deepthought.

You have an interesting perspective. Very thought provoking!

Cece said:

Hi.

Hello, and welcome.

Cece said:

I have recently learnt that I am autistic and I have been struggling with that information.. very much!

In respect of the diagnosis, the narrative structure of your life has been to some extent unwritten, and to the corresponding extent needs to be rewritten ~ in terms of how your feelings translate into autistic thoughts, words and actions, so maybe give the following post and thread a read:

https://community.autism.org.uk/f/mental-health-and-wellbeing/30208/my-world-is-falling-apart/270448#270448

Cece said:

Not going through the full chaos going through my analytical brain but just one query I would appreciate your help in steering me to resolve.

So although I have only recently learnt of my autism (age 34), I have obviously had it all my life and I have also been camouflaging... Quite effectively in fact.

I think that the veil only started to thin over the last year or two around the time when (really very unsure if that was a cause or another symptom of something else .. but besides the point) I have had some relationship (married to another possible autistic and with kids) and emotional troubles that I simply couldn't handle very well.

People started (I really don't know why or how... I didn't know I changed anything in my behaviour and I have certainly always made an effort to separate my personal and professional lives) noticing that I am "cold", like a "robot", a "machine" alongside various jokes or "serious concerns" about the fact that I might be on the spectrum and/or suffer from mental health issues, etc. So suffice to say that I am not happy with the fact that the face I have been wearing all my life is simply torn now.

Social camouflaging and personal masking is sort of like putting on layers of clothes each day ~ but not taking them off, and as such just finding it harder and harder to move about freely.

Unfortunately; social camouflaging and personal masking involves shared and enforced inferior, mediocre and superior character pretences ~ that are put on due to at least feeling scared, and at most being violently attacked ~ whether that be verbally or also physically, and hence feelings and ‘emotions’ (historical feelings integrated with instinctual drives) get oppressed and repressed to various extents ~ selectively, situationally and or habitually.

Cece said:

So I have quite the dilemma because upon reassessing my life, I have noted that I have been subconsciously camouflaging so effectively that I am unclear to which of the feelings or emotions that I had were true vs those I imitated to fit in or if I can simply even feel anything or just incapable of doing so.

So I am at a loss to where I stand with all that simply because I don't actually think I genuinely know what those feelings or emotions are meant to be in reality (for me) or for the world to keep my camouflage going for longer while I get to grips with life and how to live it with this new perspective.

The basic problem is not having been able to empathically relate with other autistic people, being that doing as such with those who are non-autistic can be like as if using a foreign language, so “Me too!” and “I know what just you mean!” conversations can be rather lacking in terms of how we feel about things.

This is generally referred to as ‘The Double Empathy Problem’:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/double-empathy

Cece said:

So for those who can camouflage, any tips on how to get my skills back (or why I suddenly lost it!) for the short term peace of mind?

Build up your actual character and as such balance out your socialised character pretence.

Cece said:

And for those who learnt how to identify their real emotions vs the other daily noise, any tips on how I can identify the truth in mine?

Perhaps relate with other autistic people ~ by way of autism specific forums, books, videos, podcasts and all that sort of thing, which are the usual recommendations.

Cece said:

P.S. this is my first post, I am really struggling with simply accepting myself. Camouflaging effectively will help buy me the time I need to process all this and move on, so please don't tell me that I shouldn't do it and to be proud, be myself etc etc.

Comparing social camouflaging and personal masking to work ~ one needs to take time out to rest and enjoy one’s self.

I like my brain. We've both been through some stuff, but we're on very good terms

To quote another member, it's interesting to reassess everything through an autistic lens. I'm finding myself increasingly fascinated by my own behaviour, which I think can only bring good things as I change the things I don't like and appreciate the things I do.

We shall see how it all progresses

It can make one's skull ache!

It is tiring. Really tiring. I am interested in this concept too but think it'll be a long road. I think my brain might explode if I think any longer about masking.

Well, I consider you a "wonderfully weird one" whom I am very pleased to be acquainted with.

You seem to be a pretty closely aligned entity to me during my mid-30's.....had no idea about autism then myself...so I am interested in how you are (and finding it) with also knowing that autism is the foundation of your wiring.

Unknown said:

abnormal

I prefer different, but I don't suppose it matters any which way. It depends on how you define both yourself and your description of choice.

People who are different tend to be the subject of all types of descriptor; I've been accused of being weird, crazy, and mad, but also special and different "in a good way". These words don't really bother me, even when I detect a negative intention. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and if someone wants to be mean, I won't spend time with them and that is most definitely their loss because I am delightful

Understandable.  I do this.

I, still, always feel guilty when I do - it makes me feel I am letting people down.

"Normal" grown-ups shouldn't need to run away and hide......but I do......guess that makes me abnormal...and I find myself increasingly happy with that designation.

With the hustle and madness of every day life, sometimes I did escape from people (family) to be alone and find my peace.. but I have always felt guilty about it because I thought it meant I didn't love them enough etc.

Yes that's a thing for me too 

It's an organ that can make sense of the world, keep me happy or miserable.. has the power to forget what it knows to cause me pain and remember in great detail what I need to remember.

It might not be perfect but it is perfect for me, which is something I never take for granted! 

JuniperFromGallifrey said:

difference between apathy and withdrawal.

Thank you for crystallising this phrase for.me.  NT's understandably accuse me of this often..... I have a mask that virtually ensures that outcome!

What he said

Also, meditation for myself and many others has got me to this stage. Also, only surround yourself with positive voices where possible.

Stimulate your para-sympathetic nervous system as often as you can (this is done by nature, animals, calming experiences).

When you need to take time for yourself, take it, always.

In my experience.

I've also found immense help by reducing stimulation in the choices I make, don't watch YouTube for example, seek out films with a calming approach, music & art too. I find playing guitar is great for me, I live in a different head space during this.

Keep talking on here as well, lots of friends here

Shudder!

No.

It is too tiring for me now, I think, and more importantly, I'm desperately interested to see how my authentic self (fkg hate that phase) actually presents itself effortlessly to the world.....and what the world will make of me.

I'm emerging now.

Alice -  I speak from the experiential heart, never an autism book or research paper.  I have no clue if this is a "thing" in a definitive sense....but it certainly is a thing for me.

This happened to me! Though  I never masked very well, but after covid I found everything so much harder. It wasn't easy before, but just seems like such hurdles now!

I'd bet this happened to a lot of people.

'People started noticing that I am "cold", like a "robot", a "machine" alongside various jokes or "serious concerns'

And others wonder why many of us aren't always great fans of neurotypicals...

'I am really struggling with simply accepting myself'

You're a damn sight better than them, for a start, Cece.

Unknown said:

whilst your almighty and glorious brain does the gazillions of assessments, considerations and permutations that it will need to report back to you on this matter

This is a thing? I've always known that my brain is smarter than I am and that I often choose not to answer questions so that my brain has time to think about the answer, but I didn't realise that it was a trait. I thought it was just something I learnt from my dad...

maybe all your emotions were true and valid..... i mean what is a emotion anyway? if you felt it, then it was true, even if you think you was faking it, if its one you felt then it was true. perhaps instead you have became depressed, depression can make you colder and make you feel differently and go numb, things that gave you joy no longer will give you joy and so on.. so it could be depression? and you said you had a few troubles, that is often a trigger for depression.... tbh everything can be a trigger for depression though really.

Thank you Juniper, that is very helpful!