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Emotions and Feelings... Can you relearn them?

Cece

Hi.

I have recently learnt that I am autistic and I have been struggling with that information.. very much!

Not going through the full chaos going through my analytical brain but just one query I would appreciate your help in steering me to resolve.

So although I have only recently learnt of my autism (age 34), I have obviously had it all my life and I have also been camouflaging... Quite effectively in fact.

I think that the veil only started to thin over the last year or two around the time when (really very unsure if that was a cause or another symptom of something else .. but besides the point) I have had some relationship (married to another possible autistic and with kids) and emotional troubles that I simply couldn't handle very well.

People started (I really don't know why or how... I didn't know I changed anything in my behaviour and I have certainly always made an effort to separate my personal and professional lives) noticing that I am "cold", like a "robot", a "machine" alongside various jokes or "serious concerns" about the fact that I might be on the spectrum and/or suffer from mental health issues, etc. So suffice to say that I am not happy with the fact that the face I have been wearing all my life is simply torn now.

So I have quite the dilemma because upon reassessing my life, I have noted that I have been subconsciously camouflaging so effectively that I am unclear to which of the feelings or emotions that I had were true vs those I imitated to fit in or if I can simply even feel anything or just incapable of doing so.

So I am at a loss to where I stand with all that simply because I don't actually think I genuinely know what those feelings or emotions are meant to be in reality (for me) or for the world to keep my camouflage going for longer while I get to grips with life and how to live it with this new perspective.

So for those who can camouflage, any tips on how to get my skills back (or why I suddenly lost it!) for the short term peace of mind?

And for those who learnt how to identify their real emotions vs the other daily noise, any tips on how I can identify the truth in mine?

P.S. this is my first post, I am really struggling with simply accepting myself. Camouflaging effectively will help buy me the time I need to process all this and move on, so please don't tell me that I shouldn't do it and to be proud, be myself etc etc.

Thank you 

Parents

  • I wish I had an answer and the more I consider these things the more boggled my mind gets. As one layer is stripped away and I think I've got it sussed, another layer is revealed. 

    I've recently started something new with new people and thought I'd give myself a safe space to see who the real me is and in all honesty I don't really know yet. In some respects it was easier when there was unconscious masking but it's not sustainable so I'm glad I've found out. It's also weighing up the cost/benefit of some masking.

    It all takes time to integrate the new knowledge and things might keep revealing in due course.  So it takes time. The mask has built up over so long it's going to take time to readjust. I'll echo what Number said - keep yourself happy and centred. I'm hoping things will fall into place eventually. I find meditation helps.

  • in reply to Deleted User

    I like the idea of trying a fresh start with new people... It's clean and less complicated, is it working for you?

  • in reply to Cece

    It's only been a few weeks so far. They are very forgiving but don't know yet I'm autistic I'm using the chance as a bit of an experiment with myself.

    Also with regards to feelings, life choices etc. Some of this has dawned on me as well. I think some of it is about others or society expectations rather than choice and bevause we don't know how we feel, well I myself, use others to gauge what I should do or if it's a good idea.  I'm sticking with where I'm at in life now and trying to modify what I've got. But it depends how content you are with things.

  • in reply to Deleted User

    It is tiring. Really tiring. I am interested in this concept too but think it'll be a long road. I think my brain might explode if I think any longer about masking.

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