Emotions and Feelings... Can you relearn them?

We understand, reason and perceive different because we use our brain differently. We love humour, but not always Nuero-typical humour. Humans tend to connect with those we are like-minded. So if someone else perceives you as a cold to what they're expecting, it means they're not engaging in ways to connect with you, just expecting you to connect with them. Which is fine, but small minded and a bit presumptuous.

Have a look into "alexithymia" and also at this woman's posts on instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thearticulateautistic/

I was accused of being apathetic by a mother whose feelings were out of control (most likely ADHD) but failed to understand the difference between apathy and withdrawal. I had to learn how to interrogate everything I thought was true and I've actually quite enjoyed understanding the difference between seemingly similar things or seemingly similar external responses to vary different internal emotions. I do find others asking how are you is quite invasive. I'll answer them as if they asked how are things in your world. But it took me a great deal of frustration at how society operates. Erich Fromm is also a good read. :)

That's a very good point... I think I was shocked to learn that I was camouflaging for so long subconsciously that I didn't stop to think of how I could have done it so effectively or that I am (STILL!?) capable of consciously doing it!

Muscle memory doesn't work as well if you think too hard about it though.. but I think I need to get started "methodically" and progress from there and things should "appear" to be back to normal.

Thank you Dawn, I think I have a way forward to the camouflage part!

Do what we do best. Think your way there.

Does it seem logical to you that you would feel x when y happens. Other people have interoception to tell them that without thinking about it. We got logic. Takes longer, but we can ponder our way there.

You are welcome.  I felt exactly the way you describe when I found this place.  It doesn't solve problems, but it definitely makes you feel much less alone (and weird) with them.......and often points you down a new rabbit hole that is worth pursuing.

I have never made much sense to people before... This feels different! Good different (THANK YOU ALL!)

You keep making perfect sense.  You are going to find this process pretty tough I think.

Shockingly (yet really unsurprisingly I guess), autism runs in the family and I was never really able to have friendships.. so no frame of reference. Even Google is not helpful!

Isn't it just! We might be destined to be chameleons and actually feel ok with that. I do to a certain extent because it's all I know and its got me quite far already.

You are wise.  Looping back to our analogous conversation over the last couple of days - I am very lucky to have a whole series of sequential "projects" that allow me to commence each with the "persona" of my choosing for that duration.  Like you, I have been trialling and tweaking my delivery and projections whilst monitoring myself and others under these "trial" conditions.  I continue to do so.  It is fascinating.

It does make sense.

Do you have someone close to help you name your emotions?

I have a friend who I now realise has been doing this for 30 years. 

It's only been a few weeks so far. They are very forgiving but don't know yet I'm autistic I'm using the chance as a bit of an experiment with myself.

Also with regards to feelings, life choices etc. Some of this has dawned on me as well. I think some of it is about others or society expectations rather than choice and bevause we don't know how we feel, well I myself, use others to gauge what I should do or if it's a good idea.  I'm sticking with where I'm at in life now and trying to modify what I've got. But it depends how content you are with things.

I think I don't know if I can trust that I know how I feel to be true. Because of camouflaging and my work life, I learnt to read people and therefore understand myself with the same "data/logic" but with alexyithemia and autism in the equation, things got complex pretty quickly... So how do I know (for sure) if what I know of how love (for example) feels like is what it genuinely is rather than what I learnt it would/ should feel like based on years of observation, media etc.

If that makes sense!

I know.  You are right on all points from my perspective.  Accordingly, for four and a half decades, I just "powered through" to keep all the plates spinning.  I had always done it - why should I start staring inside my own head ?!

Well, unfortunately, I now know that I am not indestructible - there came a point where I simply had to face it and do the hard work myself.  Flipping heck, it is hard !  I wasn't always sure I would make it out the other side and I was reasonably sure, that at time, I was a certifiable nut job too !

Anyhow, I'm just telling you what my perspectives are on these, most weighty of issues, that you have raised.

I like the idea of trying a fresh start with new people... It's clean and less complicated, is it working for you?

Time is a double edged sword for someone with my head... It gets way darker and scarier before I can see the light of day... I just don't want to lose the life I worked hard for, in the process of working through my "identity crisis"..

I hate how "personal" this journey is meant to be, because I would rather learn from others and skip afew painful years... wouldn't everyone!?

Hmmm... I kind of think I know where you are coming from. I think two issues are cross wired here. Do you know what you feel? Do you mask and are you dropping that.

Respects you emotions, are you alexyithemic? Many of us are. I am. I know what I feel when I work it out logically or a friend identifies the feeling for me. Most people just feel a physiological reaction and know what that is. Trouble is, prior to my diagnosis I did not realise anyone else had a different means to derive an understanding of their emotion. 

The mask is hard to identify. Any masking I've been doing, I have been doing for 56 years so...err unpacking that one is tough now.

In the end, you can't learn or relearn emotion. Your emotion is your emotion, but you can learn ways to identify them and define e then and them your choice as to how you exhibit them: mask on or mask off.

Ahh.. COVID time when it was acceptable not to be around people, not to touch them.. good time! (From that aspect I mean not all the other COVID horrible things)

I wonder if it was a factor where you let your guard down and it was difficult to go back to how it was 

I wish I had an answer and the more I consider these things the more boggled my mind gets. As one layer is stripped away and I think I've got it sussed, another layer is revealed. 

I've recently started something new with new people and thought I'd give myself a safe space to see who the real me is and in all honesty I don't really know yet. In some respects it was easier when there was unconscious masking but it's not sustainable so I'm glad I've found out. It's also weighing up the cost/benefit of some masking.

It all takes time to integrate the new knowledge and things might keep revealing in due course.  So it takes time. The mask has built up over so long it's going to take time to readjust. I'll echo what Number said - keep yourself happy and centred. I'm hoping things will fall into place eventually. I find meditation helps.

Hello Cece,

Well, your first post is a hum dinger isn't it !  You have stuck the tail on the donkey right in its *cough, cough* !

I think you have raised the two MOST important challenges for someone in your position.  I was wrangling through these kind of questions half a decade ago when I knew that "something" was "messed up" about me, but I had no clue that this would turn out to be a "simple" matter of autism !  For the sake of disambiguation, I think these two key questions are;

Cece said:

So for those who can camouflage, any tips on how to get my skills back (or why I suddenly lost it!) for the short term peace of mind?

And for those who learnt how to identify their real emotions vs the other daily noise, any tips on how I can identify the truth in mine?

I would love to tell you that I have a list of simple tips and one or more of them will work for you - but I can't - and I actually don't think any such list exists for people like me (and by the sounds of it, you too.)

I actually think there is only one reliable thing that will bring you clarity and closure on these issues.....and that is time.  It takes time Cece.  Sorry - but that is my honest experience and belief.

So now, we reach the REAL key question in my opinion - "so how the hell am I going to stay sane for the "time" it takes to work things out and get comfortable with my newly understood being?"  It takes, resilience, fortitude and stamina (in my experience and belief.)

In summary - my advice is to try and keep yourself as happy and centred as possible whilst your almighty and glorious brain does the gazillions of assessments, considerations and permutations that it will need to report back to you on this matter.  You'll make mistakes (I made LOADS) and it is lonely and difficult.........but now I am sorta coming out the other side, I can tell you that "calm" is the new sensation that pervades my head at last.

Welcome to this place.  Stick around and see if you like it here - but above all, stay sane and don't take yourself for granted.

Very best wishes

Number.

I lost my ability to mask during lockdown. I spent that time on my own and now I can't I've forgotten. I did start to relearn it but I felt so exhausted. I can't believe how much energy it takes. I think you will be able to but you should consider the exhaustion you're going to feel and know to expect it. 

I did not have a clue about being autistic until I went back out after COVID and I get where you're coming from. I would say keep trying, it will come, but don't push it because it will leave you feeling like I do now.