Friendships - how do you do it?

Most of my friends are autistic. It wasn't a conscious choice, it happened accidentally. Some of them didn't even know they were autistic until after we became friends. I find there is so much less pressure and I am more able to be myself. There isn't a need to keep in contact constantly. I think I met many of them by not adhering to social rules, I walked up to them and asked if they wanted to be friends or started talking about something they were wearing which was related to one of my own interests. I don't try to perfect my interactions, I allow myself to be clumsy and I tell them straight up that I'm autistic and so I'm not good with these kinds of interactions but wanted to try anyway. I have done this many times and it is not always successful, I assume some neurotypical people or allistic people wouldn't like this. But the people who do have become very dear to me. 

I have no friends in real life, but I've been making some friends online recently and its made me much happier overall. For me online connections are just as meaningful as real life ones, and there's less pressure in general. It's also much easier to find people with similar interests and who are also autistic on the internet!

I find it easier to maintain friendships mostly online. When I'm behind a keyboard, nobody can get annoyed if I stim, and I can take the time to reread things to make sure I'm understanding them correctly. Yes, it's harder to determine someone's tone and intent in text, but I'm already at a disadvantage there and at least it's actually acknowledged enough online that it's a bit more acceptable to ask for clarification.

Obviously maintaining online friendships means making some friends in the first place. There are lots of communities online for all kinds of hobbies, fandoms- even niche special interests, if you look in the right places. I found my best friends through a TV programme we all liked that was being discussed on a social media site.

Hi, I find friendships hard work, they require a lot of maintaining. I have 3 friends all 3  are neurodivergent.  Sometimes we don’t talk for months at a time, there are no expectations from all. We kept goats when I was a child, two of them were called Stan & Ollie. I find trying to make friends causes me too much anxiety. It’s hard to try and workout the rules on the spot. Have you thought of joining any groups or an evening class, often a good way of meeting like minded people. 

Hi Morganna

I've never really found much benefit from having friends, maybe because I've never felt able to be open with anyone about anything! So, I don't really go looking for friendships at all to be honest.  I have a wife and daughter and work with others so am not alone at all although I do really love being alone when I can.  I do obviously get something from online communications on a few forums like this one however.  Sometimes, it feels more like a diary that talks back which sounds weird when i write it down.  That being said, I like people and love talking to strangers when I'm feeling confident.  

It's more about relationships than platonic friendships but have you watched 'Love on the Spectrum'?  It was great and really interesting about how autistic people relate to each other and can really support each other.  There was one particularly amazing and inspirational couple, Jimmy and Sharnae.

Full disclosure, I don't know if I'm autistic, I'm just asking for assessment at the moment having had lots of indications that I am over many years.

Jay

It's difficult.  For all the social difficulties, I have been well blessed with the friends in my life, but looking back these were all built through one to one relationship over a period of time and are all with very open minded, non-judgemental people who are super smart, out of the box thinkers, honest and with whom I have a lot of mutual interest.  They have always kind of known I was different but the differences didn't seem to matter or are dealt with by humour.

I guess I have just been lucky in meeting a handful of real gems in my life.  

As for other autistic people, hmmm...well not one but two boyfriends from my youth with whom I still get on have now self-identified.  Yeah, course they are.  I can see that makes perfect sense now.  That's why we'd be attracted to each other and why we're still friends.  As autistic people, we see each other I think, even without knowing that we are autistic.

Morganna Le Faye said:

Do I just resign myself to a life without meaningful friendships?  Stop trying.

Only if that's what you want. However I would never advocate giving up hope - it sets you on a path to darkness that can be difficult to leave...

Morganna Le Faye said:

Do people with autism find it easier to befriend others on the spectrum?

My experience is that ND people tend to be more accepting of others' differences (not hard to understand why) which can very much facilitate relationships. Having said this, I think that balance is needed. For me, I have friends from all walks which I find gives me big picture perspective. Those who choose to isolate themselves against those who are different risk becoming prejudiced: colour, financial status, sexuality, neuro processing, other. And minorities are equally, if not more, able to judge others for being "normal" in the same way they feel they are being judged. Only socialising with like minded people doesn't help society as a whole (in my opinion).

Morganna Le Faye said:

What have others done?  Any suggestions?

My technique (learnt as a teen) is to have multiple friendship groups. I can show different parts of who I am to different people depending on who they are and what I need. Having multiple groups allows me to avoid feeling like I'm annoying people, and because I'm not secretive about it, if I disappear for a while, everyone thinks that I'm just hanging out with different friends. It makes it very easy to have meltdowns and lock myself away without facing questions. It can be lonely though, when no one notices that your not around. So, pros and cons just like everything else hehehe

My advice would be to experiment with what you want from relationships. You will shine in the situations that you feel comfortable in, so look for those. There are plenty of open, non judgemental people in the world, we just need to go out and find them.