Published on 12, July, 2020
I am most comfortable with complete silence.
I wonder if this is the autism at play?
When I was growing up our house was always noisy and I think I was traumatised by it.
There were no quiet refuges - I even shared a bedroom until I left home.
My mum had to have sound on all the time. I believe she was autistic but I think she had an under sensitivity to noise, which I'm pretty sure I've read can also be an autism thing.
Then I had a series of shared flats, which were noisy, then bedsits until I purchased a quiet flat in my 30s.
Then I lived in a nice Victorian house on my own which still had some noise, as it was on a busy road in Portsmouth and terraced.
Nowadays I am lucky.
The last 15 years I have lived in a very quiet detached house where once the windows are closed there is no outside (or inside often) noise at all.
My husband is a quiet person + spends a lot of time in his studio outside.
It's taken me a long time to get to this quiet place in my life - I am now 61.
How do you respond to noise/silence?
I just don't feel up to communicating anywhere at the moment. The noise is all internal. I've been ill in one way or another for weeks.
Sorry, all.
I'm alright now. Well, at this particular moment. Sadly, this is how I am: all the stability and consistency and organisation of a puppy.
Steven said:all the stability and consistency and organisation of a puppy
I can't tell you how much I relate to this. It's like being on a seesaw alone: always one extreme or the other, balance is unthinkably impossible.
Do you find that the things that happen in your life often reflect this feeling?
An example would be: about 18 months ago, the ceiling collapsed in one of the flats in my building (I was renting) and we were all evicted, given 24 hours to collect our things and hand over our key After (some very stressful) months of being homeless and living in the spare rooms of friends, I found a gem of a place that I was lucky enough to be in the position to buy. Then, upon moving in, I discovered that the boiler, which I had been promised was in working order, was broken. My first months in my wonderful new flat were spent with neither heating nor furniture (my furniture budget was spent on a new boiler). Sleeping on the floor in the cold was not the dream
This is just one example of the rollercoaster of my life; my friends joke that my life sounds like an anecdote that happened to someone else and that life happens to all people but all of life happens to me. Am I alone in this?
Likewise
Luftmentsch said:It's not an inclustion rite exactly
Perhaps my choice of words there was inappropriate. I'd like to say that doesn't happen often, but I would be lying
Alice said:I had not considered that choosing and avatar was an inclusion rite.
It's not an inclustion rite exactly, it just makes it easier to realise that you're talking to the same person on different threads! Anyway, pleased to meet you!
I was in the process of writing about the validity of your response when you posted again.
Don't worry about my taking things personally, I only do that when it seems necessary (which doesn't happen often, regardless of the intention of the other person hehe)
Please don't ever feel like you must answer any questions, I am curious and I like to learn, but I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable with my prying. People fascinate me, our journeys and experiences are unique and interesting - albeit sometimes sad and disempowering.
I shall look forward to our continuing acquaintance
...so perhaps that is a little too blunt? I've been around these pages for a while now but try to remain vaguely aloof. Don't take it personally, I just choose to remain pretty circumspect. Suffice to say, you write in a way that I can identify strongly with. If you choose to stick around, I'm quite sure our paths will cross again and [some] of the blanks will be filled in.
OK.
It's lovely to meet you too Number
I am incredibly lucky. I found myself at sixteen. I still remember it incredibly clearly (although perhaps not correctly, memory is a strange beast). I was with "friends" (the friends who weren't really friends but I didn't know any better) and one of them accused me of being arrogant. I remember thinking: hang on, I've been working on being more confident and I'm proud of my progress, but now you tell me I'm arrogant?!
And then the penny dropped - arrogance and confidence are two sides of the same coin and different people see it differently depending on their own experiences/personality. I thought to myself: trying to please everyone is an impossible task with little to no point, I'm going to concentrate on being a good person _in my own opinion_, others can like it or lump it.
When I was in my early 20's, my father told me he thought I was one of the people most comfortable in their own skins that he knew. At the time I didn't appreciate the significance of that statement.
I hold on to my good opinion of myself like it's a life ring in the middle of the ocean. Along with my gratitude for all the good things in life and how lucky I am, it's pretty much what keeps me getting out of bed in the morning.
What has your journey been like?
Lovely to make your acquaintance Alice, I am Number.
I feel that you are pretty lucky then - you have found "yourself" reasonably early - or at least found your direction of travel reasonably early. [I'm in my early 50's btw and there are loads of late diagnosed on these pages in the 45-65 range.]
I don't think it rude. I'm 36
May I be rude and ask your approx. age?
Oh! And hi! I'm Alice by the way
Apologies to all - I had not considered that choosing and avatar was an inclusion rite. I shall see to it immediately.
It already has proved incredibly useful thanks to all you lovely humans. I have very strong masking abilities (I'm empathic, extroverted and studied performing arts - another story lol), but reading about your experiences and tendencies is teaching me to see my own behaviours better. From there I hope to be able to navigate my life better.
If my wisdom and experiences are able to help others in a similar manner, I would be delighted.
Oh golly - you're defo one of us! Change your NASnumber for a name and settle in with us to see if it proves helpful to you. It took me months to adopt an avatar and name, so no pressure from me - all I mean to say is that what you have written above, resonates very strongly with me - and I suspect many on these pages.
Thank you. I guess I am. I think the number and variety of events that occur in my life (to quote Steven again - stability and consistency of a puppy) have given me the perspective of someone much older. Those and the imaginary situations that go through my mind. Oh, and the constant mental dissection of life, the universe and everything hehe
I have also been thinking recently about my tendency to over share with people, I think this might be a "I don't know how I should feel about this situation, please tell me your thoughts so that I can see if they fit with what's going on in my head" which has resulted in the accumulation of wisdom of others too.