Published on 12, July, 2020
I’ve been on this site now for about 15 months, the realisation of autism was a big change to my life, I had always thought I was just broken. We had my sister in law stay last weekend. She works in the field of child safeguarding. For some reason I broke down to her and told her how I was groomed and eventually raped by a man much older than me, I was 13, he was in his late 40’s. These people make you feel so special and give you a lot of attention. They are like a drug. I explained to my in law that I didn’t know the rules or that I’m autistic. She explained that I obviously didn’t know the rules but they did, it’s sexual abuse. It has been eating at me for the last 40 years plus. I’ve always just felt dirty, the person responsible was an employee of my father. He lived on site in a mobile home. I had a choice and I knew what the results would be of my decision to either tell my dad or keep quiet. My dad had a temper that went from nought to mental in about a second. He struggled with emotions and had a lot of neurodivergent traits. If I had told him, I know he would have killed this person, I knew it was as clear as day. I had the choice of telling him and then knowing he would go to prison for a long part of his life, loosing his liberty and I would loose my dad for someone who wasn’t worth it. I obviously kept quiet. I’m not looking for sympathy, before I joined you good people, I had actually bought a rope and have a bar stool in my workshop, it had become that debilitating. I trust you all enough now to vent all of this. I know I often play the clown, it’s easy, just another way to mask. Apart from you all, I don’t know where to turn to. I know it’s a form of PTSD, I just don’t know what to do with it, sorry for blurting all this out. It still eats at me every day. Sorry again.
Roy I'm so sorry to read what you've been through and how it's left you feeling like this. I was abused for most of my childhood, I understand how you feel, the pain that almost burns deep in to your soul and that self blame which is never justified. You aren't too blame for what happened to you just like I'm not too blame for what happened to me. People don't choose to be raped/abused, it's out of our control, responsible because of someone else's devious and disgusting mind and actions who can't possibly begin to imagine how what they did will cause repercussions for the rest of our lives.
I wish I could take your bad memories and pain away. For now if accepted I leave you with a hug and that your not alone feeling like this. Though these horrible events leave us feeling this way I do believe they make us stronger and better people.
God bless you.