Published on 12, July, 2020
I’ve been on this site now for about 15 months, the realisation of autism was a big change to my life, I had always thought I was just broken. We had my sister in law stay last weekend. She works in the field of child safeguarding. For some reason I broke down to her and told her how I was groomed and eventually raped by a man much older than me, I was 13, he was in his late 40’s. These people make you feel so special and give you a lot of attention. They are like a drug. I explained to my in law that I didn’t know the rules or that I’m autistic. She explained that I obviously didn’t know the rules but they did, it’s sexual abuse. It has been eating at me for the last 40 years plus. I’ve always just felt dirty, the person responsible was an employee of my father. He lived on site in a mobile home. I had a choice and I knew what the results would be of my decision to either tell my dad or keep quiet. My dad had a temper that went from nought to mental in about a second. He struggled with emotions and had a lot of neurodivergent traits. If I had told him, I know he would have killed this person, I knew it was as clear as day. I had the choice of telling him and then knowing he would go to prison for a long part of his life, loosing his liberty and I would loose my dad for someone who wasn’t worth it. I obviously kept quiet. I’m not looking for sympathy, before I joined you good people, I had actually bought a rope and have a bar stool in my workshop, it had become that debilitating. I trust you all enough now to vent all of this. I know I often play the clown, it’s easy, just another way to mask. Apart from you all, I don’t know where to turn to. I know it’s a form of PTSD, I just don’t know what to do with it, sorry for blurting all this out. It still eats at me every day. Sorry again.
Roy I'm so sorry to read what you've been through and how it's left you feeling like this. I was abused for most of my childhood, I understand how you feel, the pain that almost burns deep in to your soul and that self blame which is never justified. You aren't too blame for what happened to you just like I'm not too blame for what happened to me. People don't choose to be raped/abused, it's out of our control, responsible because of someone else's devious and disgusting mind and actions who can't possibly begin to imagine how what they did will cause repercussions for the rest of our lives.
I wish I could take your bad memories and pain away. For now if accepted I leave you with a hug and that your not alone feeling like this. Though these horrible events leave us feeling this way I do believe they make us stronger and better people.
God bless you.
Have you tried the rape crisis centre?
Yes, I was bullied at school, I would have never gone to the headmaster and complained, bullying was tolerated and the teachers didn’t want to acknowledge it. We never speak up, getting through a day was often enough. The thought of the refuge of my bedroom was the goal of each day. I found the school library a safe place, the knuckle draggers wouldn’t enter, books made them itch.
Roy said: autistic people are much more likely to be abused
I think it's partly what you said, and also that predators look for people on the margins of society who won't be believed if they speak up or have anyone to defend them. It's the same reason so many of us get bullied.
Thank you all for your kind support, obviously I read into why things happen, autistic people are much more likely to be abused, I wonder if we are too trusting or as I said, we don’t understand the rules. My mother is still living, I have decided that she will never know, she has a long history of mental health issues, It would destroy her. I have thought about therapy, the anxiety of taking in front of strangers would be too much, I would just shutdown. Thank you again all.
Mariusz,
There was a group session where we did tapping techniques which worked temporarily for me because I felt connection in the group. I, like you am too scared to try EMDR for fear of making things worse....
I agree that finding acceptance that it wasn't your fault does help heal the hurt.
Luftmentsch,
Tapping worked temporarily for me. I'm too scared of hypnosis type techniques..... :-( The main thing that I find works is having a person who understands you, accepts you and actively listens to you.<3
Glitter,
Oh no! It seems all too common here. I'm sending vibes of comfort and joy to light your day.
Thanks.
YoSamdySam underwent EMDR and says it works. I'm too phobic with doctors so I'll probably never consider it.
Being open about it helps. Once you start talking about it without shame (shame you shouldn't feel, because you are the victim) cPTSD will go away. I mean talking whenever issue of that sort arises, or when someone enquires. Believe me, it makes them more uncomfortable than you feel now.
It's brave of you to write this. You're definitely not broken. As a thirteen year old, you were not responsible for what happened to you. Only your abuser bears that responsibility.
Would you consider some kind of talking therapy, or do you not want to go down that route? Or EMDR (it's controversial, but some people find it effective).
Please don't give up on yourself, or just bottle your feelings up until they explode.
I was also targeted and abused. I was 18, but definitely not mature or ready for it.
The only thing that helped me through was knowing that I wasn't alone in my grief and pain.
You're not alone.
You didn't have a good choice there, but you did what you had to. I know how that feels too.
I hope that you can start to move forward now. You have a lot of courage to have got this far. Keep going.
Desmond79,
I'm sorry that happened to you.
Sending comfort.
Roy,
Thank you for sharing this Roy. I am so so sorry that this happened and you had to hold it in. I have experienced rape and sexual abuse too. It's not your fault because you were an innocent child. I know you know this now but I also know how it feels inside. There is an abuse helpline I phoned for historical abuse to talk through and let out everything. I'm not sure if you are able to talk on the phone about it or not but I found it helped me to get the tears out.
You are not broken. It is the people who do these things to others who are broken. I am sending you love and care and want you to know that I think you're a great person no matter what. I understand why you made the choice not to tell your Daddy because you didn't want to lose him as well as that lost feeling that happens when someone takes your innocence.
You are welcome to PM me if you need to talk about it because I understand.
Hugs.
I was abused by a man, who worked for Dad.
So many of us can identify.
Roy, we love you. And we're grateful that you think us fit to share it with us. It is terrible. You are loved. x