Past Child Abuse / rape

I’ve been on this site now for about 15 months, the realisation of autism was a big change to my life, I had always thought I was just broken. We had my sister in law stay last weekend. She works in the field of child safeguarding. For some reason I broke down to her and told her how I was groomed and eventually raped by  a man much older than me, I was 13, he was in his late 40’s. These people make you feel so special and give you a lot of attention. They are like a drug. I explained to my in law that I didn’t know the rules or that I’m autistic. She explained that I obviously didn’t know the rules but they did, it’s sexual abuse. It has been eating at me for the last 40 years plus. I’ve always just felt dirty, the person responsible was an employee of my father. He lived on site in a mobile home. I had a choice and I knew what the results would be of my decision to either tell my dad or keep quiet. My dad had a temper that went from nought to mental in about a second. He struggled with emotions and had a lot of neurodivergent traits. If I had told him, I know he would have killed this person, I knew it  was as clear as day. I had the choice of telling him and then knowing he would go to prison for a long part of his life, loosing his liberty and I would loose my dad for someone who wasn’t worth it. I obviously kept quiet. I’m not looking for sympathy, before I joined you good people, I had actually bought a rope and have a bar stool in my workshop, it had become that debilitating. I trust you all enough now to vent all of this. I know I often play the clown, it’s easy, just another way to mask. Apart from you all, I don’t know where to turn to. I know it’s a form of PTSD, I just don’t know what to do with it, sorry for blurting all this out. It still eats at me every day. Sorry again.