AS-Wife Wants To Move Out. NT Husband+2 Kids

Hey guys. I'm a NT husband and father of two boys, 15 and 20. The youngest boy is diagnosed with high functioning Asperger. My wife is a suspected never diagnosed high functioning Asperger as well. My wife and I are both 51, married for 22 years.

Anyway, back in 2019 my dear wife abruptly moved out of the house once. She rented her own apartment. The trigger was yet another tantrum of our Aspie-boy, but she was probably boiling for a long time. Back then this was a shock. I wasn't raised that way. I'm loyal to my family and to my wife. It shocked me that a mother can simply move out , abandon her kids (who were 12 and 17 at the time) and her family without explanation. On my insistence to tell us what was going on, she was only able to say things like "there was too much negative energy" and "she feels suffocated", "needs space"...

It just didn't make sense. As my wife moved out I started reading books and online resources than I ever imagined I would need to. It was around that time when I truly started to put together the puzzle. By comparing my journal notes to available literature and online resources I came to the conclusion that my wife was a never diagnosed Aspie.

Luckily, a new perspective and knowledge made it possible for me to be constructive and understanding even though I was deeply hurt. I also initiated a couple's therapy. 7 weeks later my wife moved back. I let our whole apartment be redecorated. Light colors, fresh, new, bright. It helped a lot. Things settled down.

My wife has all the usual symptoms of the female Asperger (sensory issues, insomnia, social hangover, frequent depression....) so she needs a lot of time alone. Knowing how much this means to her, my sons and I tried to be extra careful around her, especially when we felt she needed space for herself. There were dozens of other small things we changed to give my wife more space, peace and calm. But I did politely explain to my wife about my findings regarding her possible Asperger syndrome. She felt insulted. I left it alone at the time.

But the emotional neglect I was subjected to throughout the years (without knowing the reason for it!), lack of feminine tenderness, my wife's tuning out of raising our kids as well as disrespect towards me when we had bigger disagreements (which I always fought as I'm not a puppet) took a toll.

Just a week ago I came to realize that my sorrow and emotional withdrawal was a consequence of the dynamics very frequent in a NT/AS marriage. You see, my wife's dominant strategy of coping with stress or conflict is avoidance. But when she's agitated she acts strikingly similarly to my younger boy who is diagnosed with Asperger. Aggressive, rude, with utter disrespect. Sometimes I can't even believe my ears. I would never ever imagine saying such nasty things to my wife. After a few days I usually addressed such incidents calmly with my wife. And sometimes she did apologize. But words remained in my head.

So from 2019 to 2023 we were drifting apart for some time. Slowly. Hardly noticeable. During summers, things were always better. During winters it always got much worse. Tiredness, frequent strange inflammatory issues, insomnia, signs of depression ....and a lot of blaming (even for things that were well intended). With time, there was less and less intimacy.

Then in September 2022, right after we came back from our "just-the-two-of us" little trip we like to do every 3-4 months, I learned that my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Oh boy. It was a shock. It's still not easy to deal with the thought. On top of that, our younger aspie son (15) started high school really really badly. Just to illustrate, of 13 subjects, after a half of the year, he got an F (or 1 in Europe) for 11 of them.

As I was basically a primary caregiver for the last 10 years I was the one helping my son go through most of the primary school. My goal was to make it possible for him to get a higher education so he can be self-sufficient in life. Well, now I feel all the work I put in during his primary school was in vain. On top of that my Asperger son is 15. Which means he is in the midst of puberty. Which means when he gets angry, things aren't pretty. Throughout the years I learned how to handle those tantrums, but still my son did demolish the doors to his room, made holes in a plaster wall with bare hands. I'm describing this, to illustrate how stress in our family was slowly but surely building up. I am quite resistant to stress but even I had problems coping.

I could sense that we were now rapidly drifting apart. More and more frequently I caught myself thinking about really nasty and disrespectful things my wife said to me on several occasions. It felt that she was utterly ungrateful for everything I did for her and for my family (and I did A LOT, most men I know would long ago just abandon the whole situation. Not me). And during the past few months, I guess I was grieving. Probably by knowing I was going to lose my mother soon. But also grieving because a healthy and fulfilling marriage that I was striving for was increasingly becoming an illusion?

In a recent week or so I again read a lot about the NT/AS marriage. This sentence struck me.

"The strategy most frequently used by the Asperger was avoidance. Emotional withdrawal was the strategy described as most commonly used by their partner."

Well, that's exactly what was going on!

And, then it happened again.

January 2023. Sunday. Lunch.

When we finished lunch, my wife suddenly said to all of us (me, and our two boys, all still sitting at the table). She said she's going to find an apartment and move out. She said to the boys that she's still going to their mother but that she's going to move out. I asked "why?" Well, because there's "so much negative energy."

I had to restrain myself from going ballistic.

I took a day or two to reflect and calmly see what to do. Again, I started reading and focused on the NT/AS relationships. It struck me when I came to finally realize we were such a couple. So I made a proposal to my wife. I said to her that obviously the "talking channel" between us is jammed and that I will write her a letter (an email). If she's okay with that. She said yes. So I did. I briefly reflected on the past. Again I suggested that we are actually a NT/AS couple. For the sake of argument I told her we may assume that I am an Asperger and she was a NT spouse. But we have to educate ourselves about it and accept the reality, and start doing certain things differently. Lastly, I gave her a little Operating manual. How to handle me. It was nothing major, really simple. 1. Be nice to me, here and there do something just for me. Small things. 2) When you're angry and feel bad, send me a message if you can't talk to me. Then, let's talk about it in a few days. 3. Try to apologize when you know you screwed up (she rarely does). 4. Take over some of the burden that I have with our youngest Asperger son. 5. Tell me what you need to feel loved.

After a few days, she said, she can't talk about it because she needs more time to reflect. That she has her own version of hww things went but she just can't talk about it yet. But she did again say that she finds my suggestion that she might be an Aspie "insulting".

One another thing also struck me. There was a question in the blog of an author Lorna Wing (The Autistic Spectrum. In Danish 1997.) which says: "Is there hope?

The answer: If the spouse with Asperger syndrome (autism) denies his/her condition, the answer is No."

She was very clear about this difficult dilemma for the NT (neurotypical) spouse of an Asperger autist:

“In reality, there are only two choices. One is to accept the partner as he or she is and get the best out of life; the other is to interrupt the marriage or relationship . ”

Sobering.

I love my wife dearly. Armed with new knowledge I'm ready to accept her as she is and get the best of our life. But this needs both of us.

Fast forward. Last week things were greatly improving. So much that my wife even told me that she is happy with that and that is how she wanted our life to be. And then yesterday, after she came home later than usual, I heard her saying casually: "Oh, you know, I was looking for apartments with my agent. But they were all crappy and expensive for the price".

It was like someone shot me right between my eyes.

I guess my wife indeed needs space, if she's an Aspie. We live in a bigger apartment but my wife doesn't have her own room. So she wants to rent a similar sized apartment, I assume because she'd like our boys to spend the night there. What do I feel? I feel this might just be the final nail in the coffin. I was and am ready to work on our marriage. But you can't do that if one is running away.

Lastly, not that this is a major concern, but all this is going to cost us dearly (in real money). We CAN afford paying for another apartment (for now). But it's not so much about the money.

It's about values. One reason for our solid financial success was exactly the way we handled our finances. We always acted prudently, especially about bigger perpetual costs (which renting the apartment certainly is). And yet, it seems, my wife just doesn't care about that anymore. In that way, she's like another person to me.

I can feel my trust is evaporating. Hence, I'm seeking some insight and help from you guys. I want to understand. I'd hate to think that at age 51 all my efforts (as well as mistakes) were in vain and all was flushed down the toilet.

Thanks for any advice or insight.

Mark

P.S. One thing my wife did say. She said she doesn't want a divorce. She doesn't want to go through the nasty financial stuff and all bad things that happen when people divorce. She said she would be using her future apartment 2-3 days in a week. Well. I know she needs space. But I also know I am a normal human being. I deserve love, affection and someone who will not be running away whenever she feels like it.

P.S. 2 I'm aware that our "combination", a husband being NT and wife being AS, is rare. Most of the time it's the other way around. And so, there aren't many stories of others that I can relate to. All thoughts are welcome but I will especially appreciate your thoughts if you're a female Asperger or NT male spouse as this will help me relate.

Peter over 1 year ago

It sounds like your wife cares about you and your kids but can’t cope. … a space of her own would be ideal. A girl cave as it were. I don’t suppose there is any chance of a garden shed? A place she could lock herself in for an hour when life just feels too much.

when I was a teenager I had a very clingy younger brother. We’re good friends now but at the time it was an issue. I needed space so they put me in my own room, it meant converting the dingy basement into a bedroom but that’s what they did. Even then my brother would invade it any time he wanted attention. It led to fights. So one day in defiance of my parents I put a lock on the door. And I said to them ok be angry with me but before you make me take it off see if it reduces the number of fights. And since it actually helped a lot with that it was hard for them to argue.

the thing that worries me is if she finds the thought of having Aspergers so insulting what must she think of her sons and what must they think she thinks of them. For their sake as much as hers it would be good to address that.
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NAS84706 over 1 year ago in reply to AuTriker

Hey AuTriker, thank you for sharing your thoughts. Here's my answer as to the relationship of my wife to my two boys.

My older son (20) is NT. Looking back, I'm sure almost sure he was traumatized by our family dynamics, especially so after our younger son (who is a diagnosed ND) was born. Our younger son sucked almost all of our mental and emotional energy so there wasn't much left for our older NT son. I know that's a colossal mistake. But at the time I wasn't even aware of what was going on. I just thought the younger one is one of those "difficult" children (a tthe time he hasn't been diagnosed yet). Consequently, I think too many times the older son wasn't heard. By nature he isn't a "loud" person. So at some point I think, he just gave up. In a rare moment of frankness (as a child can be), 8 years ago he confided with us that he felt we didn't love him. Can you imagine?!

On top of that, recently, as my wife reflected on the past, she said something that struck me light a lightning. She said until our older son was the age of twelve, that he was "superfluous" to her. Like a burden of some sort. Not to blame her, I think this might be one of the reasons of my older's son lack of self confidence, poor self-esteem during his teenage years (13-18). All sorts of problems arose (dropped out of school for 3 years, weed, harming himself..not pretty.....). With much effort and care we handled those problems and now my older son is back on track and I'm proud of him. Going to school successfully and I don't doubt he will have a good life. he still lives with us and we have a good connection with him again. he loves hanging around us.

As for the younger son, I believe my wife was (and still is) afraid of him as from when he was around 3 years old. She told me once that back when our youngest son was 3 years old, she dreaded coming home from work. I guess his tantrums and his ND was such an energy drain to her.

At that time I had my own software company and so I wasn't paying so much attention. But when I realized that my youngest son is on the spectrum, i made a difficult decision. I sold my company to stay at home. I completely changed a career so I could work from a home office and devote much more time and energy to our youngest son. Because he was desperately needing this and I thought if I don't do this, no one will. And I didn't want our family to break apart. Or something worse. A movie "Let's talk about Kevin" comes to my mind. I didn't want that.

Looking back I think my wife being on a spectrum, with sudden and frequently unexpected tantrums left a mark. I remember once my younger son (who himself is similar) complained to me that he doesn't know how to behave when he is with his mommy. "One moment she's hugging me, the other moment she's chasing me away". "One moment we love each other, the other one we don't". Surprisingly, that's exactly how I felt on all too many occasions.

Don't make any mistake, my wife loves our boys dearly. I know she loves me too. But I think our family dynamics has been heavily influenced by having not one, but two NDs in the family - one diagnosed and one undiagnosed (who doesn't want to accept it). This sure a lot of unintended damage. As did my mistakes, simply because as I wasn't fully aware what was going on until it was very very late. Looking back, I'm sorry I didn't start reading books and blogs 10 years ago. Well, that's that.

Kind regards, Mark
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AuTriker over 1 year ago

It sounds difficult for you all.

I think it is sad how negatively she sees the autism spectrum, whether or not she was on it. It didn't ought to be an insult! There are and have been very many successful and valuable to society autists.

I think she needs her own space though. It would drive me mad to have to live with 3 other people and not have my own space. If there is no room in your home for her to have a room of her own I do not blame her for wanting to find somewhere to retreat to a few times a week. Maybe she doesn't need it to be as big as your shared one if she intends to spend half her time there? Why would she need the boys to stay with her if she was in your shared home half the time? It would be much cheaper to rent a small place for her than one the size of your family home. Or could you all move to a bigger place where she could have a room of her own? Though that might be too much upheaval for your autistic son.

I am a married female autist (we don't really use the term Asperger any more, it is all autism spectrum condition now) close to your age, my husband is not NT though, and we have no children. We have enough space in our home that we each have our own space within it as well as shared space. We also sleep in separate bedrooms, which is my choice as he snores and I need my sleep!

It's very sad you don't feel loved. I can't really help with that, but maybe it is good she doesn't want to divorce? And that she wants to be in the family home half the time. People show love in different ways, maybe she does love you but struggles to show it? Quite a few autistic adults prefer relationships where they don't live in the same house and it can work out just fine for them

Sorry about your mother too, that is very difficult and you could do with support through that rather than problems on two fronts. Is your older son any help? You haven't said much how they interact with their mother, but there was obviously a lot to say and
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