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AS-Wife Wants To Move Out. NT Husband+2 Kids

NAS84706
over 1 year ago
Hey guys. I'm a NT husband and father of two boys, 15 and 20. The youngest boy is diagnosed with high functioning Asperger. My wife is a suspected never diagnosed high functioning Asperger as well. My wife and I are both 51, married for 22 years.
Anyway, back in 2019 my dear wife abruptly moved out of the house once. She rented her own apartment. The trigger was yet another tantrum of our Aspie-boy, but she was probably boiling for a long time. Back then this was a shock. I wasn't raised that way. I'm loyal to my family and to my wife. It shocked me that a mother can simply move out , abandon her kids (who were 12 and 17 at the time) and her family without explanation. On my insistence to tell us what was going on, she was only able to say things like "there was too much negative energy" and "she feels suffocated", "needs space"...
It just didn't make sense. As my wife moved out I started reading books and online resources than I ever imagined I would need to. It was around that time when I truly started to put together the puzzle. By comparing my journal notes to available literature and online resources I came to the conclusion that my wife was a never diagnosed Aspie.
Luckily, a new perspective and knowledge made it possible for me to be constructive and understanding even though I was deeply hurt. I also initiated a couple's therapy. 7 weeks later my wife moved back. I let our whole apartment be redecorated. Light colors, fresh, new, bright. It helped a lot. Things settled down. 
My wife has all the usual symptoms of the female Asperger (sensory issues, insomnia, social hangover, frequent depression....) so she needs a lot of time alone. Knowing how much this means to her, my sons and I tried to be extra careful around her, especially when we felt she needed space for herself. There were dozens of other small things we changed to give my wife more space, peace and calm. But I did politely explain to my wife about my findings regarding her possible Asperger syndrome. She felt insulted. I left it alone at the time.
But the emotional neglect I was subjected to throughout the years (without knowing the reason for it!), lack of feminine tenderness, my wife's tuning out of raising our kids as well as disrespect towards me when we had bigger disagreements (which I always fought as I'm not a puppet) took a toll.
Just a week ago I came to realize that my sorrow and emotional withdrawal was a consequence of the dynamics very frequent in a NT/AS marriage. You see, my wife's dominant strategy of coping with stress or conflict is avoidance. But when she's agitated she acts strikingly similarly to my younger boy who is diagnosed with Asperger. Aggressive, rude, with utter disrespect. Sometimes I can't even believe my ears. I would never ever imagine saying such nasty things to my wife. After a few days I usually addressed such incidents calmly with my wife. And sometimes she did apologize. But words remained in my head.
So from 2019 to 2023 we were drifting apart for some time. Slowly. Hardly noticeable. During summers, things were always better. During winters it always got much worse. Tiredness, frequent strange inflammatory issues, insomnia, signs of depression ....and a lot of blaming (even for things that were well intended). With time, there was less and less intimacy.
Then in September 2022, right after we came back from our "just-the-two-of us" little trip we like to do every 3-4 months, I learned that my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Oh boy. It was a shock. It's still not easy to deal with the thought. On top of that, our younger aspie son (15) started high school really really badly. Just to illustrate, of 13 subjects, after a half of the year, he got an F (or 1 in Europe) for 11 of them.
As I was basically a primary caregiver for the last 10 years I was the one helping my son go through most of the primary school. My goal was to make it possible for him to get a higher education so he can be self-sufficient in life. Well, now I feel all the work I put in during his primary school was in vain. On top of that my Asperger son is 15. Which means he is in the midst of puberty. Which means when he gets angry, things aren't pretty. Throughout the years I learned how to handle those tantrums, but still my son did demolish the doors to his room, made holes in a plaster wall with bare hands. I'm describing this, to illustrate how stress in our family was slowly but surely building up. I am quite resistant to stress but even I had problems coping.
I could sense that we were now rapidly drifting apart. More and more frequently I caught myself thinking about really nasty and disrespectful things my wife said to me on several occasions. It felt that she was utterly ungrateful for everything I did for her and for my family (and I did A LOT, most men I know would long ago just abandon the whole situation. Not me). And during the past few months, I guess I was grieving. Probably by knowing I was going to lose my mother soon. But also grieving because a healthy and fulfilling marriage that I was striving for was increasingly becoming an illusion?
In a recent week or so I again read a lot about the NT/AS marriage. This sentence struck me.
"The strategy most frequently used by the Asperger was avoidance. Emotional withdrawal was the strategy described as most commonly used by their partner."
Well, that's exactly what was going on!
And, then it happened again.
January 2023. Sunday. Lunch.
When we finished lunch, my wife suddenly said to all of us (me, and our two boys, all still sitting at the table). She said she's going to find an apartment and move out. She said to the boys that she's still going to their mother but that she's going to move out. I asked "why?" Well, because there's "so much negative energy."
I had to restrain myself from going ballistic.
I took a day or two to reflect and calmly see what to do. Again, I started reading and focused on the NT/AS relationships. It struck me when I came to finally realize we were such a couple. So I made a proposal to my wife. I said to her that obviously the "talking channel" between us is jammed and that I will write her a letter (an email). If she's okay with that. She said yes. So I did. I briefly reflected on the past. Again I suggested that we are actually a NT/AS couple. For the sake of argument I told her we may assume that I am an Asperger and she was a NT spouse. But we have to educate ourselves about it and accept the reality, and start doing certain things differently. Lastly, I gave her a little Operating manual. How to handle me. It was nothing major, really simple. 1. Be nice to me, here and there do something just for me. Small things. 2) When you're angry and feel bad, send me a message if you can't talk to me. Then, let's talk about it in a few days. 3. Try to apologize when you know you screwed up (she rarely does). 4. Take over some of the burden that I have with our youngest Asperger son. 5. Tell me what you need to feel loved.
After a few days, she said, she can't talk about it because she needs more time to reflect. That she has her own version of hww things went but she just can't talk about it yet. But she did again say that she finds my suggestion that she might be an Aspie "insulting".
One another thing also struck me. There was a question in the blog of an author Lorna Wing (The Autistic Spectrum. In Danish 1997.) which says: "Is there hope?
The answer: If the spouse with Asperger syndrome (autism) denies his/her condition, the answer is No."
She was very clear about this difficult dilemma for the NT (neurotypical) spouse of an Asperger autist:
“In reality, there are only two choices. One is to accept the partner as he or she is and get the best out of life; the other is to interrupt the marriage or relationship . ”
Sobering.
I love my wife dearly. Armed with new knowledge I'm ready to accept her as she is and get the best of our life. But this needs both of us.
Fast forward. Last week things were greatly improving. So much that my wife even told me that she is happy with that and that is how she wanted our life to be. And then yesterday, after she came home later than usual, I heard her saying casually: "Oh, you know, I was looking for apartments with my agent. But they were all crappy and expensive for the price".
It was like someone shot me right between my eyes.
I guess my wife indeed needs space, if she's an Aspie. We live in a bigger apartment but my wife doesn't have her own room. So she wants to rent a similar sized apartment, I assume because she'd like our boys to spend the night there. What do I feel? I feel this might just be the final nail in the coffin. I was and am ready to work on our marriage. But you can't do that if one is running away.
Lastly, not that this is a major concern, but all this is going to cost us dearly (in real money). We CAN afford paying for another apartment (for now). But it's not so much about the money.
It's about values. One reason for our solid financial success was exactly the way we handled our finances. We always acted prudently, especially about bigger perpetual costs (which renting the apartment certainly is). And yet, it seems, my wife just doesn't care about that anymore. In that way, she's like another person to me.
I can feel my trust is evaporating. Hence, I'm seeking some insight and help from you guys. I want to understand. I'd hate to think that at age 51 all my efforts (as well as mistakes) were in vain and all was flushed down the toilet.
Thanks for any advice or insight.
Mark
P.S. One thing my wife did say. She said she doesn't want a divorce. She doesn't want to go through the nasty financial stuff and all bad things that happen when people divorce. She said she would be using her future apartment 2-3 days in a week. Well. I know she needs space. But I also know I am a normal human being. I deserve love, affection and someone who will not be running away whenever she feels like it.
P.S. 2 I'm aware that our "combination", a husband being NT and wife being AS, is rare. Most of the time it's the other way around. And so, there aren't many stories of others that I can relate to. All thoughts are welcome but I will especially appreciate your thoughts if you're a female Asperger or NT male spouse as this will help me relate.
Parents
  • over 1 year ago

    Being a female and an extreme introvert I have had the question about my "Mental Health" or "Mental State" raised in such a way that it came across as abusive - as a reason to further substantiate the others ability to suffocate, extract from, dismiss, disregard and gaslight me. This may not be your intention, but the main problem between NT and Au is the loss in Translation and the impact that can happen when suggesting Autism. 

    Kids go through a time of needing an opposite or a same sex parent and she may feel secure in your ability to take a leading role now. But one of the absolute worst things a child can witness is a parent unfulfilled or emotionally hitting a threshold. One of the best things they can watch is a parent who values Self-Care. Who values them enough to walk away when the intensity is beyond their control. It seems to me, she is opting for higher values and if allowed to use a proper actual space it IS a way to self-regulate. In fact, many times we cannot think clearly with others in the room until we have taken proper Time Out to heal and grow. These boys are at a perfect age for her to do so, especially if she has made herself available to them. 

    Autism comes with certain things Non-Autistics don't always 'get'. The inability to access vocabulary. But a too-loud imagination: non stop images. Mine alone has several silent movies running with music always playing. When I was small it was 3 songs. I've managed to get it down to 1, full orchestration, the lead singer and all but I cannot make it stop. There is SO MUCH happening that I need time to work out how to channel it. And thankfully I've had years on my own no regrets, to sharpen sense-perception skills, to hyper-focus on philosophy which has EASED so much of what was not spelled out to me within society. My son is 25 and we've had time apart. boys used to be sent off to the military when young. Children adapt. But they become incredible humans when they watch their parents make healthy choices and this, IMO, sounds like your wife is making a healthy choice which can benefit you both long-term. Perhaps she feels she has just accommodated you up till now and is beyond burnt out. 

    You cannot force a process. 

    It sounds like you're a great husband and from your perspective and the way you navigate life, you've not had the added bonus of continual misunderstanding, difficulty de-coding society, living in a constant escape room, dealing with unknown sensory assault, trying to be responsible but never being afforded what you afford others. Time Alone is the only solution for her to first heal from a lifetime of constant denial. You can't possibly make changes when someone hasn't even been allowed to understand themselves - when they don't know where their strengths and limits lie. There are so many complex expectations in modern society we are a mismatch for and without time to breathe through and begin to understand this, to force her to stay will only facilitate resentment. 

    It was only after I began to come out of this fog I was in, start a healthy routine and begin to differentiate what beliefs I didn't actually believe that I could start to explore who I was and expand my vocabulary. I didn't realise I was using the wrong words, or how to use words so to mind NT power struggles vs how to be genuine. I didn't realise I had alexihtymia and the first time a therapist asked around 28, I didn't even know that I didn't know and this was the first person to recognise something in me that was dormant - that I didn't know how to express. My boyfriend at the time got offended in that moment and stormed out of the room. But for the first time I suddenly felt 'seen'.

    There are a lot of things here, but if you want to build something that lasts, she needs space to re-build herself. NTs and Au's mature at a different pace. Pick one thing to negotiate on, not 5. Practice one small act of kindness and make it routine. I'd also be careful with the word Tantrum when the intensity of pain for an Autistic is a type of overwhelm most NTs won't be able to ever feel. Let's say she's had a lifetime of sensory overload and no one's put the pieces together. I have heard from NTs who micro-dose on mushrooms and are able to experience the world with the intensity we do. It's jarring for most and exciting. But 10/10 say they wouldn't want to live that way.

    I'd also be careful of accusing her of withdrawal which is a domineering tactic. If she's undiagnosed she may be stuck in Survival Mode. If you want the woman you fell in love with to enjoy your golden years with, she needs to move from survival to thriving and that doesn't happen over night. 

    Also, for Autistics, we feel our loved ones intensely no matter where they are. We might not see our friends but a few times a year but they stick with us so intensely it's like there is no separation. As mentioned, negotiate one thing and stick with it, see if it works. Arrange to have coffee or a drink once a week somewhere neutral like you're dating and make a pact to not discuss the relationship. That might be a game changer. 

  • over 1 year ago in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Hey @JuniperFromGallifrey, thank you so much for your thoughts. I really appreciate your input. I will think about it and let my subconscious do the rest over the night.

    Just a few notes. Last 10 years I was basically a primary caregiver. I didn't even notice how exhausting was for me to provide, run my business and and the same take almost fully take care of both boys, their school, their issues while having two people on spectrum that I love.

    The only thing I needed and still need is a tiny bit of emotional reciprocity. Instead, I got scolding too many times.

    My wife says I'm bitter. I'm definitely more bitter than I used to be. But I don't want to play a victim. I am not. It was my decision to marry this gorgeous and strong woman and I am not a quitter. That's why I'm trying to fight for us. i'm not sure if I will succeed. It takes two to tango. I'm sceptic if we CAN succeed if my wife doesn't even want to talk openly about my suggestion that we might be an ND/NT couple. I hope this will change. 

    Anyway, your input was helpful. It gave me more insight into my wife's mind. Things my wife was never able to tell me, not sure why. 

    Thanks, Mark

    P.S: Sometimes I wish my wife was on this forum. 

  • over 1 year ago in reply to NAS84706

    Curious what she means when she uses the word 'bitter'. That can have a lot of different meanings depending on the context. 

    Over the years I've asked my father for parenting advice for his grandson. I had a potential diagnostic and brought this up, but my father would always say I need to stop. Afford him agency to not have the issue I perceived. Practice letting go. This changes a dynamic if the other might be open but there's too much tension between parties for them to want to explore or be open to the idea. If someone has felt robbed of agency their whole life, it may be best to never bring it up again. 

    I also wonder how much time you have had on your own to just become your best self? Maybe stop fighting for the pair and allow the break. Play video games with your boys, do something bachelor-like. Go biking or wall climbing find your new favourite whisky. Couples don't often take enough time to work on their own selves. Some feel incomplete without affirmation and attention from the sex-other they're attracted to. Maybe put the tango shoes away for now? It doesn't sound like she wants another partner, so you don't have to worry. Hit the gym and invest in quality man time. Take the boys on camping holidays. Live your mid life crisis life so you don't have one, and everyone... as far as I can tell... will win. Good luck!

Reply
  • over 1 year ago in reply to NAS84706

    Curious what she means when she uses the word 'bitter'. That can have a lot of different meanings depending on the context. 

    Over the years I've asked my father for parenting advice for his grandson. I had a potential diagnostic and brought this up, but my father would always say I need to stop. Afford him agency to not have the issue I perceived. Practice letting go. This changes a dynamic if the other might be open but there's too much tension between parties for them to want to explore or be open to the idea. If someone has felt robbed of agency their whole life, it may be best to never bring it up again. 

    I also wonder how much time you have had on your own to just become your best self? Maybe stop fighting for the pair and allow the break. Play video games with your boys, do something bachelor-like. Go biking or wall climbing find your new favourite whisky. Couples don't often take enough time to work on their own selves. Some feel incomplete without affirmation and attention from the sex-other they're attracted to. Maybe put the tango shoes away for now? It doesn't sound like she wants another partner, so you don't have to worry. Hit the gym and invest in quality man time. Take the boys on camping holidays. Live your mid life crisis life so you don't have one, and everyone... as far as I can tell... will win. Good luck!

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