Published on 12, July, 2020
Being a female and an extreme introvert I have had the question about my "Mental Health" or "Mental State" raised in such a way that it came across as abusive - as a reason to further substantiate the others ability to suffocate, extract from, dismiss, disregard and gaslight me. This may not be your intention, but the main problem between NT and Au is the loss in Translation and the impact that can happen when suggesting Autism.
Kids go through a time of needing an opposite or a same sex parent and she may feel secure in your ability to take a leading role now. But one of the absolute worst things a child can witness is a parent unfulfilled or emotionally hitting a threshold. One of the best things they can watch is a parent who values Self-Care. Who values them enough to walk away when the intensity is beyond their control. It seems to me, she is opting for higher values and if allowed to use a proper actual space it IS a way to self-regulate. In fact, many times we cannot think clearly with others in the room until we have taken proper Time Out to heal and grow. These boys are at a perfect age for her to do so, especially if she has made herself available to them.
Autism comes with certain things Non-Autistics don't always 'get'. The inability to access vocabulary. But a too-loud imagination: non stop images. Mine alone has several silent movies running with music always playing. When I was small it was 3 songs. I've managed to get it down to 1, full orchestration, the lead singer and all but I cannot make it stop. There is SO MUCH happening that I need time to work out how to channel it. And thankfully I've had years on my own no regrets, to sharpen sense-perception skills, to hyper-focus on philosophy which has EASED so much of what was not spelled out to me within society. My son is 25 and we've had time apart. boys used to be sent off to the military when young. Children adapt. But they become incredible humans when they watch their parents make healthy choices and this, IMO, sounds like your wife is making a healthy choice which can benefit you both long-term. Perhaps she feels she has just accommodated you up till now and is beyond burnt out.
You cannot force a process.
It sounds like you're a great husband and from your perspective and the way you navigate life, you've not had the added bonus of continual misunderstanding, difficulty de-coding society, living in a constant escape room, dealing with unknown sensory assault, trying to be responsible but never being afforded what you afford others. Time Alone is the only solution for her to first heal from a lifetime of constant denial. You can't possibly make changes when someone hasn't even been allowed to understand themselves - when they don't know where their strengths and limits lie. There are so many complex expectations in modern society we are a mismatch for and without time to breathe through and begin to understand this, to force her to stay will only facilitate resentment.
It was only after I began to come out of this fog I was in, start a healthy routine and begin to differentiate what beliefs I didn't actually believe that I could start to explore who I was and expand my vocabulary. I didn't realise I was using the wrong words, or how to use words so to mind NT power struggles vs how to be genuine. I didn't realise I had alexihtymia and the first time a therapist asked around 28, I didn't even know that I didn't know and this was the first person to recognise something in me that was dormant - that I didn't know how to express. My boyfriend at the time got offended in that moment and stormed out of the room. But for the first time I suddenly felt 'seen'.
There are a lot of things here, but if you want to build something that lasts, she needs space to re-build herself. NTs and Au's mature at a different pace. Pick one thing to negotiate on, not 5. Practice one small act of kindness and make it routine. I'd also be careful with the word Tantrum when the intensity of pain for an Autistic is a type of overwhelm most NTs won't be able to ever feel. Let's say she's had a lifetime of sensory overload and no one's put the pieces together. I have heard from NTs who micro-dose on mushrooms and are able to experience the world with the intensity we do. It's jarring for most and exciting. But 10/10 say they wouldn't want to live that way.
I'd also be careful of accusing her of withdrawal which is a domineering tactic. If she's undiagnosed she may be stuck in Survival Mode. If you want the woman you fell in love with to enjoy your golden years with, she needs to move from survival to thriving and that doesn't happen over night.
Also, for Autistics, we feel our loved ones intensely no matter where they are. We might not see our friends but a few times a year but they stick with us so intensely it's like there is no separation. As mentioned, negotiate one thing and stick with it, see if it works. Arrange to have coffee or a drink once a week somewhere neutral like you're dating and make a pact to not discuss the relationship. That might be a game changer.
Hey @JuniperFromGallifrey, thank you so much for your thoughts. I really appreciate your input. I will think about it and let my subconscious do the rest over the night.
Just a few notes. Last 10 years I was basically a primary caregiver. I didn't even notice how exhausting was for me to provide, run my business and and the same take almost fully take care of both boys, their school, their issues while having two people on spectrum that I love. The only thing I needed and still need is a tiny bit of emotional reciprocity. Instead, I got scolding too many times.
My wife says I'm bitter. I'm definitely more bitter than I used to be. But I don't want to play a victim. I am not. It was my decision to marry this gorgeous and strong woman and I am not a quitter. That's why I'm trying to fight for us. i'm not sure if I will succeed. It takes two to tango. I'm sceptic if we CAN succeed if my wife doesn't even want to talk openly about my suggestion that we might be an ND/NT couple. I hope this will change.
Anyway, your input was helpful. It gave me more insight into my wife's mind. Things my wife was never able to tell me, not sure why.
Thanks, MarkP.S: Sometimes I wish my wife was on this forum.