Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi I'm new here.
I was diagnosed with Aspergers when I was 10 and my life since becoming an adult is all over the place. I'm 26 in a week's time and I've literally got no purpose and no point. I'm here but I don't know what for. I can't work, I've tried but I can't cope. Each time I try I end up in a mental health hospital and it takes an age to get home again. I have supportive parents but constant family arguing I.E my brothers causes upset and makes home life not so good. I spend all my time in my bedroom listening to music or playing the guitar. Music, singers, bands and instruments are my special interest. I am OBSESSED with music in every way! Sadly no one but my dad is in to music like me but we're slowly drifting apart. I've always found talking to them and people in general hard. It's getting worse and I'm hardly saying anything now. Talking makes me uneasy, it's common in autism I've read that but it still is awkward for me and everyone else.
I'm a big fan of Lego, Star Wars, Doctor Who all sci-fi and supernatural stuff. I like horror books and tv. I also like singing, I've been told I have a good voice.
Going out isn't for me. I get terrible anxiety, panic attacks, meltdowns and shutdowns. I try to stay in, maybe go out for a quiet walk on my own sometimes. I've been reading and writing for a few years, I'd hoped I could make a living at that but it's never gone anywhere. I struggle with finishing what I start with my writing. I've worked on so many projects but never finished one.
I've got no friends and that doesn't really bother me but all my brothers do and it kind of burns being the only one who doesn't.
I just wish I had something off my own.
But instead I'm here but not really doing anything.
I'm grateful for life and the family I've got but I wish I could be better than I am.
Hi, Welcome! It sounds you have plenty of things of your own- you have hobbies you are passionate about, like the music, and lots of projects ongoing!!
I understand about this need for a purpose. I have that too quite strongly and I feel guilty when I do things that do not serve a purpose/ a goal and that makes it very hard to do activities just for the sake of relaxing (though I guess in a way that would be a purpose too.). I used to have 2 main purposes/goals in my life: 1) science/ my academic career 2) hiking and being fit for that which I really love as I would plan a big hiking trip for each summer and then plan everything out meticulously and I would have fun training for it etc. I lost all that when I got injured 3 years ago and never recovered so far. Now I really struggle as I haven't found a non-exercise hobby that really makes me happy... I loved all outdoor activities like running, hiking, cycling and I used to do horse-riding too. Now I am only left with the academic goal which is something I do really like but I don't really relax anymore ever as I struggle to allow myself to do something that doesn't serve a 'purpose' - I find it really difficult as I have no hobby that I really enjoy doing and that gives me satisfaction... and when I then try to pass the time by doing something simply for the sake of relaxing I just get frustrated as I would rather be doing something productive.... but like this I am basically getting super burnt out all the time as I don't take a break until my body basically makes me almost collapse from exhaustion and I am physically and mentally just not capable of working anymore. Sorry if I am rambling on so much about my own issues.
I think my main point/thought here is that doing things that 'don't seem to have a purpose' is actually a good thing. And it is amazing that you have hobbies and activities that you love doing and that make you happy. And I think this whole purpose thing needs reframing in our heads- If something gives us joy or allows us to relax that is also a 'purpose' and 'useful'. In our society I think there is this drive that whatever we do it has to be productive/useful etc. in a conventional sense, but I don't know if that leads to happiness. It seems quite a sad existence really... to just constantly be chasing a purpose. I think there is a beauty in living more in the moment.
And I am sure if you really want a more concrete aim/project or purpose to work towards, you will be able to come up with something, but only if you want to.
I also think comparing yourself to others is probably not very helpful (you mention being content with no friends but that 'it burns' because your brothers do)- We are all different and the most important is that you are happy. It doesn't matter if other people have different needs to feel content. I do a lot of comparing too... and it makes me unhappy usually... not sure how to stop though.
You sound like an amazing person to me! I hope you can be more self-confident eventually.
Ann :) Thank you for replying.
I'm sorry you're struggling, that must be hard for you to want to keep fit with exercise but being unable to. I don't know if it's too much but have you thought about doing something like Wii Sports and Go Vacation on the Nintendo? It's a lighter way of doing exercise and I believe it's less stressing on the body. I'm sorry if that's unhelpful. Take care of yourself and it's good to remind yourself that you will get there and it isn't your fault,
the day will come when you are better again and when it does you'll see it was worth the wait. That's something positive you can look forward to.
There's a lot of videos on YouTube regarding hobbies you could have a look at as well. Explore some and see if you find any new ones you might enjoy.
Thanks for responding. I wish you well for the future and a speedy recovery.