Published on 12, July, 2020
What do you do if you can't work in a normal job? I have tried to go to work for 15 years now, job after job and it always ends the same way in a burnout or a breakdown, sometimes both. I am now working in a school again and its an even more complicated job than I'm used to and I just cant cope with it.
I am so burned out I just want to run away somewhere and hide. It feels like I'm drowning but I'm not allowed reach the surface cos I have to stay in the place Im drowning. I feel trapped and scared. Every job makes me feel like this. Its like there is a wall in front of me that I physically cant push through but yet I am being made to keep trying to run through it over and over.
What do I do if I cant work though? I have been turned down for PIP twice and dont hold out much hope for Limited Capability to Work either. I am terrified of the Job Centre and going for weekly appoitments there causes me nearly as much anxiety as actually going to work.
I do freelance writing a lot but hardly ever manage to earn any money off it. Im good at it and I love it and I can do it from home but I think Ive earned £220 off it in the last 4 years so its hardly a stable income. I have two kids to support and rent to pay. We are on UC but they put pressure on me to work and we could lose it if I dont. My wife does a little bit of part time work but we have a baby so she cant do much as she looks after her most of the time.
Just dont know what to do. Is there anyway I can still earn enough money to support the family without having to go to a traditional workplace with bosses and expectations and noise and loads of people?
I also struggle with the concept of ‘traditional’ work. I used to work in catering but went from job to job as I couldn’t deal with people/authority. My longest job was in a care home where I had the kitchen to myself. I cooked for young adults – several were autistic. I had a great laugh with them. I wasn’t diagnosed at the time, but now realise we had a connection.
Anyway, I got sick of pub jobs and decided to make a career out of my hobby (martial arts). I trained as a Personal Trainer and set up a business which I took abroad for three years.
I also rediscovered a passion for writing and did a degree in English and creative writing throughout lockdown. I graduated last July and have been using sites such as Upwork, Fiverr etc., however, I find the lack of structure/unpredictability of work quite frustrating.
I also find working for others difficult. I made a website for someone who was happy with all the content. His daughter then stuck her snout in, and he wanted me to re-design everything. I was so offended that I ended the contract. I’m hypersensitive to criticism and can’t cope with being told what to do. I thought this would change as I got older, but I now know it’s an autistic trait. Therefore, I try and avoid any work that involves these situations.
Anyway, I’m starting another OU degree tomorrow (part-time). I love learning and the routine university gives me, but the thought of a regular job does not appeal to me one bit. I’m going to start personal training again as it’s a job I can do on my own terms.
If you can find something similar where you’re in control, then it’s worth exploring. Maybe TEFL – there're a lot of online opportunities. I considered it myself, but don’t think I have the patience to teach.
I don’t think I could ever have a ‘boss’ again. Whatever I do, I need full control of the situation which is why being a PT suited me.