Published on 12, July, 2020
Thanks to Number in another thread (root beer) I've been thinking of the many things I've just 'not got' and done wrong.
Usually the clue that I'm not 'getting it' is the look of wonder on the faces of other people.
I'm suspecting now this may be autism related.
There are countless examples during my life but here a few.
McDonalds: I don't really understand McDonalds and I don't spend time in them without another person.
My mum used to like them so I'd take her there for lunch sometimes.
One of the 1st times she asked me to collect a menu for her and some cutlery.
I couldn't understand why these weren't on the table.
So, I went to the counter and asked for these things.
After this initial trauma, I then had the trauma of trying to understand what you are supposed to eat off of and with.
Doh.
McDonalds is a particular thing with me I think.
I was with my autistic friend on our way back from visiting his mother and we went to a McD.
He asked me to get him a 'root beer'.
So, I asked for such at the counter only to be asked what that is.
I said 'I don't know' so no root beer was presented to my friend.
Another prime example is going to a spa and swimming baths in a hotel.
I'm not a swimmer or a spa goer.
So, the 1st thing I did was put my make-up on before going there.
Then, I couldn't understand how the lockers worked and had to get assistance.
Then, I eventually found the toilets but couldn't find my way back to the swimming pool so I walked through reception soaking wet in my swimming costume.
I was also in a church once when a service began and loads of people sat around me.
I had gone in there because I was in a strange city and cold and was using the church as a refuge.
I thought I could just sit there whilst the service took place.
I hadn't anticipated communion and although I'm not a Catholic or a church goer, and although I didn't understand what I was doing, I felt obliged to follow everyone up and take communion.
There are so many examples I won't continue.
Is it just me or are there other people here who just don't 'get it?'.
Why, when in large groups at canteen time, people who have bought, say, a small, individual bag of Maltesers, will start to offer them around - there clearly aren't going to be enough and you wouldn't carve up a similarly sized Mars bar!Why, when the food comes to the table in a pub and there's a wait for everyone to be served, we're to allow our food to go cold while we wait for everyone to be served.
Why people assume that, since they find something easy, others should be blamed for not being able to do it.
Why explanations like, "It's just common sense" or "general knowledge" or "obvious" seem to be OK, without any further elaboration.
Likewise "You just get a feel for it" or "It's like riding a bike or driving a car", when I'm asking for details because clearly, for me, that "feel for it" isn't developing and I actually found learning to drive extremely difficult and stressy. (And yes, even "therapists" have used that one)
I could go on but really it's become more generalised as I've gone through life. That feeling of a mismatch such that structures and routines (within education systems, the workplace, access to healthcare etc ) that are commonly accepted have taken a huge toll on me. I think I'll eventually be exiting this world with a huge feeling of "I just don't get it". Mind you, one of my best laughs at work was when one of my colleagues (the one who was reprimanded for giving her spreadsheet "inappropriate file names" like "shxt job 1, shxt job 2 etc) stated very loudly, as the end of what I like to call "Shxt Day 1043", "I want my epitaph to read, "What the fxxx was that all about?"
Jenny Butterfly said:Likewise "You just get a feel for it" or "It's like riding a bike or driving a car", when I'm asking for details because clearly, for me, that "feel for it" isn't developing and I actually found learning to drive extremely difficult and stressy.
This one in particular really bothers me because I can't cycle OR drive! But if I say that to gently point out that we all find different things difficult they just freak out about "how can you possibly live like that" and make me feel even more stupid than I did with the initial activity I was struggling with.
Exactly. I also noticed that, when I could do things that they couldn't, their needs were taken into account as they were seen to be reasonable. This occurred quite regularly in the workplace, with them given additional study support to get through exams I'd sailed through or a mentor to help with getting onto the next rung of the ladder. When I needed help with public speaking or doing presentations I got, "Well, we'd expect somebody with your qualifications to be able to do this!" Plus any questions about managing anxiety were met with, "Everyone gets butterflies!"I think the view was that I was some kind of "intellectual halfwit"! :(
1. I do have more than a little of that conditioning myself. It's just that, in a canteen situation where, say, some have chosen a Snickers, others a Mars bar, others a Twix, it seems absurd when those who chose a tiny bag of Maltesers or a small bag of crisps feel the need to offer them round. I sort of feel that when, at the end of the round, there are none left for the purchaser, this will also be a faux pas. If, however, I'd got a family box of Maltesers then round they'd go.
2. She was great! Work ethic, approach to life - she had it all!
Ugh, yes, I've noticed that accommodations only go one way too- when we're really good at something we're expected to understand that it doesn't come easily to others but nobody else ever gives us that understanding in return, because our talents and struggles tend to lie outside the norm.
I suspect a lot of people see me as the stereotypical 'eccentric professor' type and it's very frustrating because it feels more like a "haha what a weirdo, they can do THIS but not THAT" reaction rather than a solid understanding of how autism can be expressed as extremes.
jenny,
1. I do the maltesers thing myself. I think it is conditioning from the adverts because that is the thing they do in the advert. when something is repeated over and over again, it conditions you. That is how "training" often works. Plus I was taught to share form an early age.
2. Who's this friend of yours? I like her work ethic...