Published on 12, July, 2020
As Melanie Sykes said, she was a "walking contradiction" and I feel the same. Here are my examples. I'd love to know if you are the same or have any more to add! 1. Feel less need to follow social conventions but then am a heavy people pleaser.2. Feel I have my own sense of identity but get easily swept along by others.3. Not sure how I feel a lot of the time but feel very strongly when I do know. Feel strongly other people's emotions or completely miss them.4. Feel like I can't read people in the moment but then pick up on micro expressions or feelings other people don't seem to notice.5. Love being on my own but have a strong need for people interaction which is often a bit difficult and tiring.6. Naturally introverted but love the energy when with the right people.7. Get mixed up with left or right but have a good sense of direction.8. A strong need to be on time but always running late.9, Approachable as an ear for problems but seldom have my own listened to.10. Communicate clearly in my job but can't explain problems to health professionals very well.11. Am a natural organiser but actually not very organised.12. A strong need for a tidy house but it's always a mess (to me).13. An effort to have less stuff but feel its always cluttered.14. A desire for a minimalist house but think they're boring.15. Often really want to get going a lot of the time but don't know how..16. Don't like loud noises but love loud music.17. Can get up early of my own accord but not when my alarm goes off.18. Hyper focus or inertia.19. Like to be spontaneuous but don't like a change to a plan and need to know ahead what's happening.20. Find sameness boring but don't like change.21. Need routine to function but have difficulty forming them unless it's imposed.
22. Good long term memory but poor short term memory. 23. Can see both sides of the discussion so have conflicting opinions.
I cannot stand the self-involvement/self-absorption that seems to be a part of autism. Yes, it's natural for me to have lots of questions about autism & about my behaviours but I resent myself for constantly troubling others here for advice and insight, as if I were the centre of our universe. And most posts of mine feature examples of something or other from my own limited life-experiences, as if these were important or significant or universal, not trivial or irrelevant. And I cannot stand it if when someone asks 'How are you, Simon?', it rarely occurs to me to ask how *they* are; not because I don't care about them or because I'm bored or distracted but because it simply doesn't occur to me to respond in kind. It just makes me feel so rude, in retrospect, and feel for them. I am inept at the art of communication...
As someone who utterly dreads being the centre of attention, I find myself the centre of my attention too often; this isn't vanity - it's just a horribly narrow focus.
All this, and more, is why I find it so hard to list 'positives of ASD', as much as I really want autists to be positive about themselves - I just can't, and won't, lie about my own experience.
I whole heartedly sympathise with your comment. Reciprocal response evades me and is totally unintentional. It's always a regrettable afterthought! I find it sooo difficult to maintain a verbal conversation. I'm not making excuses for myself, which is an easy way out, so I beat myself up over it. Just this morning while walking my dog, my attention was directed to another dog walker by a hearty hello. We had past each other several times over times past. He stopped wishing to have a chat. Once we got the ice breakers out of the way like the weather, the new year and what it may bring, my conversation just froze---I could not think what else to say so I spoke a joke, and said goodbye as I turned to leave. I've been so deeply ingrained with a preconditioned expectation of rejection that it has become self-fulfilling,---I hate it!
I find people like this tricky because in my mind it was they who wanted to speak but now they are leaving it up to me. They started it!
Conversation works both ways and your acquiantence could have also carried on the conversation but didnt. This is something I'm starting to be a bit more mindful of. The onus isn't always on us. I think double empathy plays a big part which neither party are usually aware of. I wonder if for me a lot of the mulling over afterwards is me checking if things were "right" or not. Conversations to most people are fleeting transient exchanges.
I worry I over share on here too but I try to keep it general. I have amended my comment to remove your job title.
I'm impressed by your practical hands on skills of being able to repair things in order to be self sufficient. Hands on skills are something which I know I lack and wish I didn't. It sounds like you had a job which was suitable for you and with some element of variety of travelling to different locations. And I do'nt think there's much competition for the area of work you mentioned so i would assume you didn't need to put yourself out there too much as people would come to you. (I could be wrong though!) I think it's a positive that you found a job which suited your natural disposition whereas a lot of autistic people end up jobs or environments which are not suitable. It's a line between working in a sector with least stress but with an element of job satisfaction. School in my day was about intellect and pushing you towards more and more qualifications rather than taking a more holistic approach including what's suitable in terms of nature and personality.
I decided to delete this reply as it gave too much away
What did you do working for yourself? I think it's often a double edge sword. In that we ARE highly tuned into people but don't know how to respond to expectations.