Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I'm a bit desperate at this point as I seem to have managed to get myself out of one bad situation straight into the next disaster. Essentially I recently took a new job in August and moved back to the UK. Before this I had been working in a lab in Germany for a year (I am a neurobiologist) as I was hoping to do a PhD there but I ended up exploited and working unpaid for 6 months, before being employed part-time for 6 months- plus there were other issues. I had a hard time in Germany and my health suffered and I ended up physically unwell and burnt out and depressed but I took my last energy and applied for jobs whilst still working. I would have applied for a new PhD position straight away but it was the wrong time of the year and most deadlines were past- therefore I ended up looking for research assistant jobs in a lab so that I could work for a year, recover and also apply for PhDs in the meantime. I chose to move back to the city where I had gone to university as I felt at home there and I thought the job I had been offered there might involve slightly less responsibility and a better chance of me recovering than some of my other options. I had no break between my job in Germany and the new job and I started work in August utterly exhausted wondering on I would cope- the novelty of the new job somehow got me through it but I soon ended up working extremely long hours: 1-2 days on most weekends and for a few weeks I often only got home at 11/12 at night. On top of this I am really struggling with food and digestion (ARFID type issues) and by this time I was only eating eggs, toast, carrot and apple and I was loosing more and more weight - I tried to expand my diet half-heartedly but I just did not even have the space or time or energy to tackle this. Whenever I had time off I felt physically ill with exhaustion.
At some point I realised this job is being completely counterproductive at this point: I am not getting any intellectual satisfaction from it and it is quite frustrating to only assist and never see things through (which would be ok if I was working more normal hours). I am not getting a qualification from it. I have no time for anything- no time for relaxation or seeing friends and no time to apply for a PhD which is what I really really want (and the deadlines are in December/January). So somehow on top of everything I tried to start applying for PhDs as well... I managed to do some applications and even ended up travelling abroad for an interview. I have had very little sleep and it was all crazy busy. Things settled down a little at work as Christmas was approaching and I felt so burnt out and I don't think I have been very productive recently and people noticed that I seem exhausted. At some point I also started expanding my diet as my body was not taking it anymore which is a positive thing but it also means that my digestion etc is all over the place and it is further disrupting sleep when I actually have time to sleep.
I now finally had time off for the Christmas break a week ago (actually ended up taking some leave so that I could take off early as I was no longer needed)- I thought the rest would do me good and I would regain some energy and be able to work on some more applications and prepare upcoming interviews. So far I have done no work and just tried to distract myself with puzzles, lego, origami etc. (sadly I am injured and cannot do the outdoor activities I love). However I am growing increasingly depressed and tired with each day (or so it seems)- Even when I started the vacation I thought 2 weeks would not be enough for me to recover but it is becoming more and more clear that it really isn't going to work out. I am not sure what is wrong with me and if I am so so tired and exhausted and growing more and more depressed because I have not rested enough or because I need to drag myself up again and start doing something productive like dealing with my PhD applications. This is the one thing that kept me going as I really badly wanted to be able to start a PhD next autumn at latest- I really hate my current job and if I do not take care of these applications I am likely to be stuck in this job (or a job like this) for a second year. However I have lost my drive. I can't even work up the energy to even start contemplating working on these applications.
I have no idea how I am meant to go back to work in less than a week- I feel so burnt out and unable to cope even when not doing anything at this point and I just don't know how I can cope. I am thinking of asking to take a few more days off but I am not sure I can do that and even that seems not long enough to recover from my profound state of exhaustion and burnout (I actually haven't really had a break in ages...)- I think if I somehow force myself to go back to work (if I manage to drag myself there somehow), maybe some residual energy will kick in and keep me going for a little while longer- but at what cost? I also urgently need to take care of my food issue as I am so severely underweight- I am trying but for that I also need time and space. I am worried that I will loose my job if I try to take more time off or if I end up on sick leave. I am still on probation and I also hate doing substandard work. The issue is also that I have a lot of work that I need to do in the new year that one I get started with will not be easy to just interrupt to take a break and it will likely involve considerable weekend work too...
One option would be to move back home to my mum who is outside the UK- however I am not keen on this option as I am not sure I could cope with another move- I have bad memories of being in Luxembourg and back home and I feel much more comfortable in the UK. Also it could possibly lead to issues due to Brexit if I want to return to and stay in the UK (and I really do want to stay here). Plus I am worried how this would look on my CV and I would end up with a long gap between this job and starting a PhD if I got an offer... it feels like giving up and like a huge failure to move back home and I am not keen. Also living with my mum has been problematic in the past ... but then again I don't have many options?
If I am to stay in the UK I need to have an income so that I can pay the rent. I really wish I could just have a longer break now so that I could have a chance of recovering but I have no idea how I could put this into practice and how I could make my work more bearable and less exhausting. Should I contact the 'disability at work team'? I'm not sure though if that is appropriate as it is hard to know which of these issues are related to being autistic...? And I don't know what adjustments could help me...?? I also feel like I should be able to cope.
At this point I am just utterly depressed and feel stuck in a situation which feels like it has no good solution. And I have lost all energy. I'm so sorry for the long long post.
I just realised I should probably mention that I am autistic- I was diagnosed a few weeks ago. Thanks so much for listening.
I have been burnt out for 10 years now I worked and it was traumatic, so I do not work now and have been trying to recover for a whole 10 years. I hope things get better for you.
Sorry to hear that Ladybird. Do you mind me asking what you do now you dont work? Sorry if thats the wrong thing to ask but i only ask cos I am wondering whether I will have to give up work for good and I need ideas of how to cope if I do
I do my hobbies, if I am up to it I might do something nice for people, like collect some tins for the food bank. I try to learn things, I did some open uni, but taking time out of that as I was fearing another burn out. I look after my plants and my pet. I lead a simple life and read books, watch simple life youtube vloggers. I will write too. I hope to one day take up roller skating as that might be good for me. I like a lot of time on my own, and do not have to abide by anothers schedule or rules. it is better, and like a comfort blanket. I just went into meltdowns at work all the time and hid crying in the loos, and I got bullied a lot at different workplaces, I was good at the work but after a week or two at a new place I would burn out. I did temping but I was just melting down all the time and was no use to anyone. Having a pet has changed my life and I have company and am happy. I daydream a lot too, it helps me stay calm. I guess you would have to find things you like to do.
Thats so lovely that you have your own language with her and you can talk to each other. Stuff like that makes me so happy. I bet she really values you as a friend
Ducks are lovely, I love how simple they are. Theyre nothing like people, they dont argue about politics or take offence at each other. They just have a simple life and as long as they have food and water and somwhere to waddle about in theyre happy
We do have that connection with animals, I can tell what she is thinking, and we worked out between us a way to communicate. we do it by expression and body language, she understands me and I understand her. I can tell if she is happy or upset. we are good friends.
So happy to hear you have your buddies the ducks. I love ducks they are lovely. Each have their own personalities.
Yes I love writing about sports but Im also trying to start getting into short story writing. I have been working on a novel from the point of view of an autistic teenager for a few years as well but its slow going.
I love what you said about the ducks being my pets, that really made me smile :-) I think of them as my friends too, when I go to feed them I say I am going to hang out with my friends. Your story about your squirrel just warmed my heart, it was so lovely! The fact that she comes back every day shows how much you must mean to her. I think animals can sense something in us autistic people and they are drawn to us, I have always found that. They are a lot nicer than people too. I think we can have a connection with them that NT people dont have
Thank you I will try some of those videos, they sound really good.
Luckily or unluckily as the case may be, I also have IBS so I can usually put my long trips to the toilet down to that