Work, burnout, not sure what to do, stuck and exhausted

Thats so lovely that you have your own language with her and you can talk to each other. Stuff like that makes me so happy. I bet she really values you as a friend

Ducks are lovely, I love how simple they are. Theyre nothing like people, they dont argue about politics or take offence at each other. They just have a simple life and as long as they have food and water and somwhere to waddle about in theyre happy

We do have that connection with animals, I can tell what she is thinking, and we worked out between us a way to communicate. we do it by expression and body language, she understands me and I understand her. I can tell if she is happy or upset. we are good friends. 

So happy to hear you have your buddies the ducks. I love ducks they are lovely. Each have their own personalities. 

Yes I love writing about sports but Im also trying to start getting into short story writing. I have been working on a novel from the point of view of an autistic teenager for a few years as well but its slow going. 

I love what you said about the ducks being my pets, that really made me smile :-) I think of them as my friends too, when I go to feed them I say I am going to hang out with my friends. Your story about your squirrel just warmed my heart, it was so lovely! The fact that she comes back every day shows how much you must mean to her. I think animals can sense something in us autistic people and they are drawn to us, I have always found that. They are a lot nicer than people too. I think we can have a connection with them that NT people dont have

Thank you I will try some of those videos, they sound really good.

Luckily or unluckily as the case may be, I also have IBS so I can usually put my long trips to the toilet down to that 

Writing is nice, write about things you like is a good idea. Hey! the ducks are your pets then, you already have pets. my pet does not live with me but she visits my balcony each day, she is a squirrel she has a friendly personality. i do not touch her or allow her to come into my flat as she is a wild animal, but I will give her a nut to take home with her. sometimes we sit together looking out at the world. She is alone like me. 

I might one day get a small pet like a hamster. 

yeah just go to youtube and type in simple living and a lot of videos on the subject will come up then you can choose your favourite channels from there and follow them. It is nice to discover them on your own. Mossy bottom is a good channel (he is a man who lives in ireland and has a small farm). there are lots of different ways to life simply, in the city or in the country. 

Yeah, most work places would fire us for being in loo that long.  

That sounds like the sort of life I would want. What are simple life vloggers? Ive never seen videos like that. It sounds like you have built quite a nice little life for yourself. What pet have you got? I would love a pet but I think it would be too much with the kids and also the council wont let us have one. I grew up with cats though and I love them. 

Not abiding by other peoples schedules and rules sounds really good. I feel like we spend our whole lives trying to fit in with NT rules and schedules that we were never designed to be part of. 

I know how the crying in the loos feels too. Every job I have ever had I would hide in the loos. Sometimes I would go in there for hours at a time, just watching epizodes of comedies that comforted me or listening to my favourite songs. Other times I would lie down and curl up on the floor in the loo

What sort of stuff do you write? My dream is to write for a living, either as a story writer or sports writer. I feel like writing from home and just going out to feed my ducks and go to a few of my favourite shops would be a lovely 

I do my hobbies, if I am up to it I might do something nice for people, like collect some tins for the food bank. I try to learn things, I did some open uni, but taking time out of that as I was fearing another burn out. I look after my plants and my pet. I lead a simple life and read books, watch simple life youtube vloggers. I will write too. I hope to one day take up roller skating as that might be good for me. I like a lot of time on my own, and do not have to abide by anothers schedule or rules. it is better, and like a comfort blanket. I just went into meltdowns at work all the time and hid crying in the loos, and I got bullied a lot at different workplaces, I was good at the work but after a week or two at a new place I would burn out. I did temping but I was just melting down all the time and was no use to anyone. Having a pet has changed my life and I have company and am happy. I daydream a lot too, it helps me stay calm. I guess you would have to find things you like to do. 

Sorry to hear that Ladybird. Do you mind me asking what you do now you dont work? Sorry if thats the wrong thing to ask but i only ask cos I am wondering whether I will have to give up work for good and I need ideas of how to cope if I do

I have been burnt out for 10 years now I worked and it was traumatic, so I do not work now and have been trying to recover for a whole 10 years. I hope things get better for you. 

Hi, a) and b) both apply exactly to me too! I don't think I even realised those were the two main ones but now that you say it that's precisely it.... It's so hard to get the balance right.. 

I have to confess I have not succeeded in preventing burnout in the past, but at the moment I try to let myself take breaks and alone time when I need it and not beat myself up if I'm not productive all the time or even if I have days when I do not accomplish as much as I would like. This is a struggle, though, and sometimes I feel I am headed towards more burnout, particularly when there are other stressors around. I know what you mean about not fully recovering from previous burnout, and running on 1% battery. It is extra hard if, like me, (a) you are bad at understanding what your body is telling you and (b) you feel obliged to be "productive" and "achieve" things all the time.

I'm glad you have a great dietitian. It's not easy when professionals don't believe us.

It really does, thats how I feel about it too. Sometimes even if people cant help just getting things off your chest and knowing that theres other people on here who actually understand is such a comfort

It was very difficult to give up. It took me a very long time to work through to a position of acceptance of it, and I do still feel some anger and resentment to the university system because if I had been given the right help and advice I might well have been able to complete it. Either if they had let me know sooner that I could take a complete break for a month or a few or if it had been possible to continue on a less than 50% of full time basis, either of those would have helped. I do also blame myself as I was also doing some extra curricular activities like a videography club which I should have stopped sooner. If I had known about my autism thing might have been different too.

Do I feel recovered now? That is a difficult question! (Not even just because of alexithymia!) I think in some ways no, but in other ways maybe. No in that I have not returned to my previous level of functioning. Maybe because I am now studying again, although not in academia, and because my physical health is problematic so it is hard to know how much of my not functioning is from that, how much is just basic spectrum executive functioning problems and how much might be leftover burnout.

If I had known it was autistic burnout then I might have been able to recover faster and better. Instead of wasting time just waiting for it to go away and waiting for help which did not help from the medical services I could have tried autistic counselling and more consciously autistic recovery, although I think I did manage some of the latter, but not consistently, and I could have been more aware of what kinds of things to avoid.

I think if you can cope with finishing your applications, or at least one or two, that might help you to feel a bit more positive. But don't try to do them all at once!

I think academia has become a much more toxic environment for us that it used to be. It has become more competitive and more pressured. My PhD supervisor told me there used to be no time limits on PhD completion.

This forum is great for being able to discuss the problems we tend to be prone to so we feel less alone. I have felt my problems were unusual in the past, so I am also finding benefit in seeing other people here have similar problems to mine, although i am sorry others are going through them too, because they are not fun!

Thank you so much for your support. I love this forum. You are all so kind and supportive. It feels like we are a big family supporting each other. 

How do you prevent burnout? I seem to go through this endless cycle of ending up completely burnout- then my body sometimes forces me to take a break (usually as I am too underweight)- I never fully recover though and then I just end up going 100% in again and end up burnt out again... except that it gets worse each time. I feel like I am an empty battery- each burnout means the charge goes to 0... but then it never gets fully recharged and I have been running on 1% battery for ages now. 

I have a great dietitian to help with the eating issues. She is actually the one person that realised that I am autistic which then led to me being referred for diagnosis. I've received very bad help for eating issues in the past when I tried to go through the GP or eating disorder services (as they never believed me I was not deliberately loosing weight... which I am not. My eating issues are actually much more related to being autistic and my digestive issues, anxiety, ARFID type issues, love for routine and sensory issues...). My dietitian has been an amazing source of support not only with diet- She actually also feels that I really need a break. 

Thank you so much for your reply. It must have been really difficult to have to give up something you really loved-Do you feel recovered from the burnout now?  I also really love science though recently I even seem to have lost interest in that. I actually also suspect that a lot of my physical symptoms eg. the dizziness, weakness, extreme fatigue are related to utter exhaustion. 

Like you say I am really not in a position right now to make a decision on future eg. where to do PhD or what to do about the job etc. I have tried to just shut it all from my mind the past days to give myself some rest. The issue is that if I do not deal with my PhD applications soon, I will end up being stuck for another year (ie until autumn 2024), so I feel like that should be the priority once I have a bit more energy (and not the job....). Maybe I can just gather together some final energy to at least see the applications I started through so that at least I have the option of starting the PhD next autumn if I want to. But I definitely need a few months rest before then (my original plan had been to stop my current job about 2 months before that but I completely underestimated how exhausted). But I need to figure out what to do about the job now, because I need a break- for now I've just decided to ask for a few more days annual leave so that I can have some more time now to rest and to buy myself some more time. I think you are right and I really should try to just purely relax for a few more days before I make any huge decisions.  

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. It's so helpful to talk about it and to be understood.

Ann :) said:

it is hard to know which of these issues are related to being autistic...?

As far as I know all these issues you have described are related to being autistic and that is ok. When you first find out about your autism there is a lot to unlearn if that makes sense. These feelings of guilt and that you "should be able to cope" are drummed into you so much over the years that they are hard to unlearn. But you need to know you have done amazingly well to get to the stage you have and acheive everything you have achieved in life. Now the most important thing is to take care of yourself and be kind and gentle to yourself. I cant offer you to much practical advice exept to say its worth looking into whether Universal Credit can help you. They have a helpline and if you call it there is usually someone who can talk you through whether you are entitled to something. 

As far as food goes, just eat whatever you feel comfortable eating, there is no right or wrong food at a time like this. 

Defintley contact the disability at work team if you want to as well as autism is a registered disability and they have a legal requirement to help you

Most of all just know you have done so much better than you think you have and you have a whole forum of people here who are here for you. Dont be too hard on yourself 

I know what you mean ,that's how I feel ,I feel like am doing everything but not getting no where with everything in life with support 

I don't have much practical advice, but I will echo the other commenters that you are being very hard on yourself and unnecessarily so.

My experience of burnout was that prevention is infinitely better than cure. Once you've burnt out, it's very hard to get going again.

I would definitely contact the Disability at Work Team. Let them tell you if something is not relevant, don't try to second guess them. Autistic rigid thinking means we often assume something won't work out when it might.

Are you getting any support for your eating issues?

And please be kind to yourself in whatever way works best for you!

You need a proper break. This sounds like a bad burnout. I'm not sure if anyone can push themselves that much without risk, but we autists are vulnerable to autistic burnout and it is not nice. I had one during my PhD, I was dizzy too and got a diagnosis of stress from my gp, which i had not expected as I had thought I had something physical wrong with me. I had some time off, then some more, and the max of a year and i tried so hard to go back because I loved my PhD and I so did not want to give it up, but I could not do it.

If I had realised sooner the way it was headed and that I could have had a break sooner then it might not have happened. But if you do take a proper break, you at least have the advantage of knowing it is autistic burtnout and finding autistic ways to recover. I had nothing specific to autism because I had no idea then that I was autistic, just the generic stress course and a few weeks of counselling which was not enough and my Mum's cancer came back during it so we ended up talking about that more than my underlying problem. So I was burnt out for years and have only recently started studying again. I lost over ten years to it! I do have a physical disability too so that was a factor, but that itself might have been partially a result of an earlier burnout.

You do not want to lose ten years to this! Don't just take my word for it of course, do some reading up on autistic burnout and try to make an informed decision. I know PhDs are quite competitive in some fields, but they are not supposed to discriminate based on disability, though it is a risk. But you might decide the risk of taking time off, fully recovering and doing your PhD is a better option than running the risk of full on burnout, losing years to it and possibly your physical health too.

You are not even in a good head space right now to make this decision. I know what it is like, but you are not allowing yourself to recover if you keep focusing on this problem. Try to take a few days if you can to just purely relax. Do all the autistic stimming you can find that you enjoy and find calming, but try to not think about the job or the PhD. Then if you have managed to find a calmer space, try to think about this problem as if you were advising a friend, and write down all the possibilities, pros and cons and maybe then you might be able to make a decision. Of course talking it through here will help you too.

Be kind to yourself, you sound like you need somebody to be kind to you.

My contract states that I am meant to work as long as necessary to complete the work but I am not expected to work more than an average of 48 hours unless i have a special agreement (which I do not)- I am pretty sure I was exceeding the 48 hours at some point but the past weeks I have been working much much less and I feel guilty about that. In part it was because there was less to do as things were wrapping up before Christmas (and as I said no when asked to start something that would have meant coming in over Christmas- I worked all last Christmas and had I had more energy I would have considered it but I just couldn't). My employer has been quite nice and seems to try to help but then again I am not the only person that is utterly overworked and burnt out ... However I feel bad because I started this job burnt-out. My employer has also commented on my 'stress and exhaustion' and I am worried he will not want to keep me. I also feel like it is very hard for someone to understand the level of my exhaustion- I also don't think I have ever been so depleted (except maybe last year after Christmas when I was actually so unwell that I ended up being away for 7 weeks and still burnt out.)- this is what is scaring me so much because I feel like noone will understand- even my family is struggling to understand how I can be this exhausted- I can feel that the 2 week break I am having now is just not going to be anywhere near enough for me to even begin recharging. I feel like I have been running on about 1% battery for ages now and I go to 0% occasionally and never recharge. 

The worst thing is that the job feels meaningless- Yes I am learning new techniques etc but I never get to see anything through so I am not getting intellectual satisfaction. I usually love my work in the lab (I am a scientist) and I also like to put in the hours but here I feel like I am just doing the more repetitive tasks and never get to the fun and exciting part. Plus someone I have been helping out has been trashing most of what I have been preparing for them (not because it wasn't well prepared but just because he didn't end up using it...). I'm fine doing a not so meaningful job temporarily to pay the bills and I do like the people I am working with but it's just not ok anymore if I have to sacrifice my health and everything for it. 

I'm scared of saying let me quit and move back home though as I also struggle when I am too long without a meaningful project- I took time out during my undergraduate and I still regret it- it was one of the worst times of my life. But I need a break.

Yes you are right- my body and mind is just not cooperating anymore- I am very very underweight and that really needs tackling and I am not happy with resorting to binging back a few kilos as quickly as possible again (regardless of the digestive issues and emotional stress associated with it), just to keep going on near empty battery now- I don't want to do that again as it is horrible and I deserve to gain weight in a healthy and slower way and also to somehow sort out my digestion and diet etc so that when I do actually reach a healthy weight again I don't just end up unintentionally loosing it again. At this point everything is all over the place- my sleep too and I am so so exhausted, dizzy etc. and emotionally just completely drained- I end up crying and being super depressed and deenergised. It's complete breakdown. Somehow I have managed to drag myself back to work or get myself back into study mode in the past despite being utterly exhausted- but even if I could do it this time- not sure it is worth the cost...