Personal space ~ Autism

IntenseWorld said:

[quote]Does anyone know how to protect there cognitive and physical space to lower stress from others?[/quote]

Yes.  When in a group of people do not make eye contact. Read a book/magazine, or look really interested in your mobile phone (play a game on it if you have to).  I have realised that NTs feel the urge to make small talk just to pass the time of day even though it serves no useful purpose.  Do not even look in peoples' general direction and don't day dream or look wistful as they seem to take that as an invitation to talk.

When in a queue I always have my shoulder bag sticking as far out behind me as possible as I get incredibly stressed when people stand too close or brush against me.  Likewise I stand as far back as I reasonably can (whilst still making it look like I am part of the queue) from the person in front of me.  If they shuffle backwards I do too.

When you go into a waiting room, where possible choose a seat with empty other ones around it.  This is difficult because NTs will often come and sit either right next to you or with one seat space in-between so you cannot always avoid it.

If you get on a bus/train, if possible sit on the outside empty seat alongside another empty one.  If the bus/train gets full you may have no choice but to move over but if you have no qualms about making yourself look a bit weird people will avoid you anyway.  So you could rock or stim to dissuade them as they will usually avoid you like the plague if you don't appear normal.

When making GP appointments try to make them at the quietest time possible, preferably last one of the day and you will hopefully get an empty waiting area.

Go to the supermarket at the most unsociable hours you can or better still order shopping online.  Order clothes online too.  If cost is an option you can use eBay to get bargains and shop during sales on other sites.

Work (if you do) is tougher, all I can suggest is choosing work that enables you to work as solitary as possible or ask for reasonable adjustments.

When I am not working, I dislike small talk with strangers, as I am useless at small talk.  However, if I have something in common with them, such as we like the same music band or are shopping for the same geeky merchandise in Forbidden Planet, etc, then I feel I can make small talk as I have something in common.  As I own a Samsung Galaxy S3 smartphone, I am usually absorbed by it when on a bus and tend not to get too distracted by those around me.  

I do work full time and do voluntary work for charity at weekends, which does require me to communicate with others.  But I don't mind as that is work.  When I am not working, I can be myself.  

At my paid employment, I man a reception desk which does mean I meet and greet people when they arrive, but when nobody is in reception, I am on my own.  

I hate shopping for clothes and boots; not because of the social contact, but because I utterly hate the task!  I find it such a chore and a bore!  I do like shopping for hobby-related things, such as tabletop RPG books, Doctor Who merchandise, and other geeky-related stuff from my favourite geeky shops in London.  

I go to gigs in London, but I try to get to the venue early so that I can either be first in the queue or not far from the front.  I can then get in, buy some band merchandise, and find a suitable place to stand before it gets too overcrowded.  

When in London, I try to avoid the chuggers!  Outside music venues, I have on ocassions found myself faced with some people with evident social or mental health problems.  (Maybe I act as a magnet!?)  I have had beggers, a newly released prisoner, a very stoned ticket tout, drunks, and an old bag lady approach me outside London music venues; I confused the latter by speaking French!  

I am not adverse to being around strangers; I am just no good at small talk, either starting it or keeping it going.  Therefore, unless I want to speak, I try to avoid small talk and strangers starting conversations.  

 lots of good suggestions and tips here, I am going try a few out. I think accept them in my space(gives me time to realine the next move), then walk away to do a function task with/without an excuse and a smile. Give them "limited time" and practice getting away into a surrounding comfort zone, aka read a book, make a cuppa or go to the toilet. Contact and go.... go away.

The high-dose beta-blockers are helping me reduce the people contact heart palpitations reaction. I now have more time to get away in a controlled fashion without the fight or flight adrenalin kicking in.

Anyway, sorry got to go now,, the oven is on

susie163 said:

[quote]Does anyone know how to protect there cognitive and physical space to lower stress from others ?[/quote]

I spent 40 plus years trying to do this. Avoidance worked to a point but my world got smaller and smaller until I was climbing it's restricting walls. Acceptance has changed my life - acceptance that uncomfortable things happen and they happen to everyone - it is how I react to these things that is important. Simply put, if I get stressed about stressful situations they undermine me, if I accept them then they give me less if not no problems. T'is easier said than done and I "wobble" sometimes but it's helping me to lead a fuller life.

The trouble with that is, that it causes us a lot of stress which we have no control over, it's genetically wired.  So the individual needs to balance whether they would rather have that fuller life with a lot of additional stress or to do some hiding away and be calmer.

Also, some people make me angry and I head towards an outburst.  Is it better to put myself in those situations and end up with a lot of upset where I can't stop myself saying what's on my mind to people or to segregate myself a bit?

I am on anxiety medication, and ironically, since I have been on it, it has restored a lot of my AS traits that were squashed under social anxiety that I had developed from negative social experiences.  So now, I am more inclined to tease mercilessly, speak without holding back, laugh at inappropriate times etc.  I am not an anti-social person, but an NT might view me as such and NTs are in the majority.

openheart said:

how about pushy people ? who enter your space and start talking directly at you without invitation or even a smile ? I have a neighbour who does, this,, my coping strategy is too hide in my house until she goes away. I am afraid of the possibility of her physical movement into my space and then she always talks about a problem or some other small minded issue. I feel trapped by her, locked up like a rabbit in headlights.

When I see her, my mind goes, OH GOD ! what is it now ! I wish she would just F OFF !

I hate those type of people.  It's almost impossible to avoid some incidents that you can't get out of.  Do you mean she is pottering in her front garden so you can't leave the house whilst she's there?  I would just put sunglasses on and rush past looking at your watch so it's clear (even to such a thick-skinned person as that) that you are in a hurry.  If she calls something out to try to waylay you, just say "Sorry I'm in a big hurry I can't stop, I'm late."

If she ever comments that you always seem to be running late, you can tell her you have executive dysfuntion issues, she will probably have no idea what that is and it might make her say nothing else.

Failing all that you could snarl and act wild-eyed and I'm sure she will leave you alone then.

[quote user="NAS5796"]

Does anyone know how to protect there cognitive and physical space to lower stress from others ?

I spent 40 plus years trying to do this. Avoidance worked to a point but my world got smaller and smaller until I was climbing it's restricting walls. Acceptance has changed my life - acceptance that uncomfortable things happen and they happen to everyone - it is how I react to these things that is important. Simply put, if I get stressed about stressful situations they undermine me, if I accept them then they give me less if not no problems. T'is easier said than done and I "wobble" sometimes but it's helping me to lead a fuller life.

how about pushy people ? who enter your space and start talking directly at you without invitation or even a smile ? I have a neighbour who does, this,, my coping strategy is too hide in my house until she goes away. I am afraid of the possibility of her physical movement into my space and then she always talks about a problem or some other small minded issue. I feel trapped by her, locked up like a rabbit in headlights.

When I see her, my mind goes, OH GOD ! what is it now ! I wish she would just F OFF !

I hate it when I am on a train, other spare seats are available, and someone sits either directly opposite me or in front of me. If the journey is short, I can just about tolerate it, otherwise I have to move. Small talk at the bus stop fills me with dread, so I stand as far away from people as possible.

openheart said:

Does anyone know how to protect there cognitive and physical space to lower stress from others?

Yes.  When in a group of people do not make eye contact. Read a book/magazine, or look really interested in your mobile phone (play a game on it if you have to).  I have realised that NTs feel the urge to make small talk just to pass the time of day even though it serves no useful purpose.  Do not even look in peoples' general direction and don't day dream or look wistful as they seem to take that as an invitation to talk.

When in a queue I always have my shoulder bag sticking as far out behind me as possible as I get incredibly stressed when people stand too close or brush against me.  Likewise I stand as far back as I reasonably can (whilst still making it look like I am part of the queue) from the person in front of me.  If they shuffle backwards I do too.

When you go into a waiting room, where possible choose a seat with empty other ones around it.  This is difficult because NTs will often come and sit either right next to you or with one seat space in-between so you cannot always avoid it.

If you get on a bus/train, if possible sit on the outside empty seat alongside another empty one.  If the bus/train gets full you may have no choice but to move over but if you have no qualms about making yourself look a bit weird people will avoid you anyway.  So you could rock or stim to dissuade them as they will usually avoid you like the plague if you don't appear normal.

When making GP appointments try to make them at the quietest time possible, preferably last one of the day and you will hopefully get an empty waiting area.

Go to the supermarket at the most unsociable hours you can or better still order shopping online.  Order clothes online too.  If cost is an option you can use eBay to get bargains and shop during sales on other sites.

Work (if you do) is tougher, all I can suggest is choosing work that enables you to work as solitary as possible or ask for reasonable adjustments.

openheart said:

Does anyone know how to protect there cognitive and physical space to lower stress from others ?

Other than removing oneself from their influence, no.