A series of ‘nearly meltdowns’

I’d just like to say, I was at work today and managed to navigate it successfully. I took the pressure off myself a little. Lots of changes happening around me, but I kept it all distant and just did the best I could. Much more positive, which is a nice change. Problem identified, strategy in place, heightened emotions avoided. Success.

Unknown said:

since diagnosis, I'm more aware of what triggers things now but because of years of masking I'm still holding it in because that's the habit and what is expected. So it takes a)noticing it's boiling up and then b)doing something about it so it doesn't boil over.

I do wonder, after reading this, if this could be the case for me too. Habits can be hard to break, especially when you spend a lifetime, relatively speaking, practicing them.

That and the fact that these things tend to sneak up on me sometimes.

It’s funny that it took for someone to point out that something might be bothering me, for me to look up and notice what it was! Oh well, I think I know now. And with that knowledge, I can now do something about it. Better late than never in my opinion. 

Oakling said:

I used to hold things together whilst at work and have meltdowns very frequently at home. This isn’t really happening now.

Oakling said:

I don’t mean to overstate it, but I’m genuinely scared of having a proper meltdown at work. I really don’t want to.

It's a fine balance between the two I think. Having meltdowns at home isn't fair on those you live with, but having one at work can have far greater repercussions.

In an ideal world we would not have to hold things together in public. However we do not live in an ideal world and if we did the triggers wouldn't exist in the first place.

Oakling said:

Like everything, I guess this will be a work in progress for a little while.

As long as the frequency and intensity of your meltdowns are reducing then that is hopefully a sign you are headed in the right direction. 

It sounds like you're starting to be more aware of things now and it's positive the adjustments are helping somewhat. We can't change things immediately over night. I rarely have meltdowns but more often shut downs. I think they could both possibly stem from overload. I think the key is to understand what can set off your meltdowns.  So for me with a shutdown ive learned it might be "this is a change to the plan" or "I'm frustrated with ...." or "there's too much going on around me" or "there's too much to think about" or "I've not got specific instructions and i dont know what im supposed to be doing". I think it takes practise and we have to chip away. It is hard. Alexithymia doesn't help in that we can often not see it coming till the final straw breaks the camel's back so to speak. I also wonder, and I'm speaking from my own experience....since diagnosis, I'm more aware of what triggers things now but because of years of masking I'm still holding it in because that's the habit and what is expected. So it takes a)noticing it's boiling up and then b)doing something about it so it doesn't boil over. Also, accepting the fact that sometimes it does boil over and there's nothing you can do except let it happen or hold it in till hometime and then recover. 

Oakling said:

I had nowhere to turn t

me too. it was during covid, if I quit I wouldn't get covid wage equivalent for not working, and there were no new jobs att

Mariusz said:

It's good they made adjustments for you.

It really is. I know some people don’t get the kind of response I did, which also plays on my mind a bit.

The fact that you agree with Autonomistic helps actually. I think, on reflection, that there is something in this. So thanks.

Your experience is similar, but wider sounding, that one I had quite a few years ago. I’m trying to avoid going back there. But back then, I had nowhere to turn to, but at least now I do.

I must say, I used to hold things together whilst at work and have meltdowns very frequently at home. This isn’t really happening now.

I’m really trying to explore why that is. I think receiving my diagnosis, although I shouldn’t have had to wait for ‘permission to be myself’, has allowed me to be far more open and not bottle things up as much. Couple that with a few monumental changes in my life and I think I have at least a partial explanation.

Autonomistic said:

However I think it is better if you can stay in control just enough so that a full meltdown at work can be avoided.

This is my thoughts on the matter. I don’t mean to overstate it, but I’m genuinely scared of having a proper meltdown at work. I really don’t want to. I think that’s why I turned to this community again. To hear thoughts, ideas and advice. So thanks for yours. Like everything, I guess this will be a work in progress for a little while.

Autonomistic said:

A series of 'nearly meltdowns' sounds like something recurrent is still triggering you. 

This isn’t something I’d considered initially, but I think there could be quite a lot of truth to this. Something is playing on my mind and I think I need a strategy to keep myself ‘out of the way’ of that potential stimulus.

A nice analogy. Thanks for your thoughts on the matter. Slightly off topic, but my grandad used to recite something that started with ‘there’s a hole in my bucket’. As a child, it seemed to go on forever and he really liked dragging it out to wind us (my brother and I) up! It was a great memory of the nice times we shared. Perhaps, in time, with increased emotional awareness, I will be able to start spotting what you described. Emotional literacy is not my strongest skill. Both identifying it within myself and reading it on others. But I am trying to learn.

Autonomistic said:

A series of 'nearly meltdowns' sounds like something recurrent is still triggering you. 

I had that impression as well.

It's good they made adjustments for you.

Frequent meltdowns and nearly meltdown for almost a year, ending with one massive volcano eruption is how I ended up with burnout. I just couldn't leave bed for weeks. I went back to work after 3 weeks and escaped after half a day and called in sick again next day. It took me 8 weeks together to recover after that last meltdown enough to get back to work. Though I'm not sure now if it was the wisest thing to do because I kept being 'zombie' for 8 months, but without meltdowns, only shutdowns everyday after getting back home from work.

Oakling said:

By stopping myself from forcefully ejecting the negative emotions, as I would in the meltdowns I have experienced prior to this new phase, am I just prolonging things?

You have positively identified that this new phase has started since the reasonable adjustments were put in place. That, plus the help you had from colleagues, probably meant that your negative emotions didn't rise quite as much, so as to result in an uncontrollable meltdown. 

Up to a certain point it is possible for emotions to build up and be suppressed. There are posts on here from parents of autistic children who can hold it together at school but then explode once they get home. The same can happen in the workplace. Sometimes it is a really trivial thing that finally triggers a meltdown, due to the build up of emotions.

I was frequently punished for my 'behaviour' during meltdowns when I first started school. As I got older I somehow learned to hold it together and suppress everything until I could get to a less public place. That could be home, in the toilets at work, in my car, etc. Once there I would breakdown sobbing, screaming, shouting, slamming doors, throwing and kicking things, etc. 

Whether it's healthy to suppress emotions is debatable. However I think it is better if you can stay in control just enough so that a full meltdown at work can be avoided. Once in a safer space you are better placed to do whatever it takes to recover.

As part of the recovery it is important to work out what the trigger was, so that a repeat occurrence can hopefully be avoided. A series of 'nearly meltdowns' sounds like something recurrent is still triggering you. 

Imagine your feelings like a bucket. When it gets too full, it overflows and you have a meltdown. This can happen when we don't notice the buildup of stress or we don't know how to manage it.  

If you are becoming more emotionally aware, you can keep an eye on the level in your bucket and drain some of it off with soothing techniques before it gets to the point when it overflows.  "I'm feeling stressed by this, I need to move away from the situation."  

It's still draining to deal with that level of emotion, but the more aware you become, the more you can manage your triggers and find ways to regulate your feelings and deal with the cause.

Oh and I should add, as another positive (which I’m trying to train myself to see), is that the adjustments that were recently put in place following my recent meeting, really seemed to help. The strategies will require a bit of finessing, but it was far better than having nothing.