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A series of ‘nearly meltdowns’

Oakling

I tried to write this post earlier, but was too ‘stuck in the moment’ to articulate my question. I ended up deleting my post a few times and have finally written a far less frantic one after several hours have passed.

I will keep it brief, in order to get to the point, however, i am embarrassed to say that it nearly happened again earlier. Another very close to meltdown at work. After just about holding it together, I did vocalise my circumstances in a round about way and even accepted some help from colleagues (some I would go as far to call friends) when I was able to. This is a positive. However, I was left with my heart racing and feeling incredibly shaken for long after. I didn’t meltdown, but was millimetres away.

This seems to keep happening at the moment and I’m sort of left wondering, am I bottling these ‘nearly meltdowns’, for lack of a better word, up? Is such a thing possible? By stopping myself from forcefully ejecting the negative emotions, as I would in the meltdowns I have experienced prior to this new phase, am I just prolonging things? Or am I just overthinking things as usual? I know you can’t really answer these questions, but it would still be interesting to read your thoughts.

I was able to turn to this place and do a bit of reading in a quiet space today and I must say, it felt like a sanctuary of order amongst chaos. The lighthearted thread that seemed to pick up momentum today was actually perfect and very well timed, so thanks for that too. 

I’m very drained now- time to go and sleep for a millennia, I reckon.

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  • Oakling said:
    By stopping myself from forcefully ejecting the negative emotions, as I would in the meltdowns I have experienced prior to this new phase, am I just prolonging things?

    You have positively identified that this new phase has started since the reasonable adjustments were put in place. That, plus the help you had from colleagues, probably meant that your negative emotions didn't rise quite as much, so as to result in an uncontrollable meltdown. 

    Up to a certain point it is possible for emotions to build up and be suppressed. There are posts on here from parents of autistic children who can hold it together at school but then explode once they get home. The same can happen in the workplace. Sometimes it is a really trivial thing that finally triggers a meltdown, due to the build up of emotions.

    I was frequently punished for my 'behaviour' during meltdowns when I first started school. As I got older I somehow learned to hold it together and suppress everything until I could get to a less public place. That could be home, in the toilets at work, in my car, etc. Once there I would breakdown sobbing, screaming, shouting, slamming doors, throwing and kicking things, etc. 

    Whether it's healthy to suppress emotions is debatable. However I think it is better if you can stay in control just enough so that a full meltdown at work can be avoided. Once in a safer space you are better placed to do whatever it takes to recover.

    As part of the recovery it is important to work out what the trigger was, so that a repeat occurrence can hopefully be avoided. A series of 'nearly meltdowns' sounds like something recurrent is still triggering you. 

  • in reply to Autonomistic

    I must say, I used to hold things together whilst at work and have meltdowns very frequently at home. This isn’t really happening now.

    I’m really trying to explore why that is. I think receiving my diagnosis, although I shouldn’t have had to wait for ‘permission to be myself’, has allowed me to be far more open and not bottle things up as much. Couple that with a few monumental changes in my life and I think I have at least a partial explanation.

    Autonomistic said:
    However I think it is better if you can stay in control just enough so that a full meltdown at work can be avoided.

    This is my thoughts on the matter. I don’t mean to overstate it, but I’m genuinely scared of having a proper meltdown at work. I really don’t want to. I think that’s why I turned to this community again. To hear thoughts, ideas and advice. So thanks for yours. Like everything, I guess this will be a work in progress for a little while.

    Autonomistic said:
    A series of 'nearly meltdowns' sounds like something recurrent is still triggering you. 

    This isn’t something I’d considered initially, but I think there could be quite a lot of truth to this. Something is playing on my mind and I think I need a strategy to keep myself ‘out of the way’ of that potential stimulus.

  • in reply to Oakling
    Oakling said:
    I used to hold things together whilst at work and have meltdowns very frequently at home. This isn’t really happening now.
    Oakling said:
    I don’t mean to overstate it, but I’m genuinely scared of having a proper meltdown at work. I really don’t want to.

    It's a fine balance between the two I think. Having meltdowns at home isn't fair on those you live with, but having one at work can have far greater repercussions.

    In an ideal world we would not have to hold things together in public. However we do not live in an ideal world and if we did the triggers wouldn't exist in the first place.

    Oakling said:
    Like everything, I guess this will be a work in progress for a little while.

    As long as the frequency and intensity of your meltdowns are reducing then that is hopefully a sign you are headed in the right direction. 

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  • in reply to Oakling
    Oakling said:
    I used to hold things together whilst at work and have meltdowns very frequently at home. This isn’t really happening now.
    Oakling said:
    I don’t mean to overstate it, but I’m genuinely scared of having a proper meltdown at work. I really don’t want to.

    It's a fine balance between the two I think. Having meltdowns at home isn't fair on those you live with, but having one at work can have far greater repercussions.

    In an ideal world we would not have to hold things together in public. However we do not live in an ideal world and if we did the triggers wouldn't exist in the first place.

    Oakling said:
    Like everything, I guess this will be a work in progress for a little while.

    As long as the frequency and intensity of your meltdowns are reducing then that is hopefully a sign you are headed in the right direction. 

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