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A series of ‘nearly meltdowns’

Oakling

I tried to write this post earlier, but was too ‘stuck in the moment’ to articulate my question. I ended up deleting my post a few times and have finally written a far less frantic one after several hours have passed.

I will keep it brief, in order to get to the point, however, i am embarrassed to say that it nearly happened again earlier. Another very close to meltdown at work. After just about holding it together, I did vocalise my circumstances in a round about way and even accepted some help from colleagues (some I would go as far to call friends) when I was able to. This is a positive. However, I was left with my heart racing and feeling incredibly shaken for long after. I didn’t meltdown, but was millimetres away.

This seems to keep happening at the moment and I’m sort of left wondering, am I bottling these ‘nearly meltdowns’, for lack of a better word, up? Is such a thing possible? By stopping myself from forcefully ejecting the negative emotions, as I would in the meltdowns I have experienced prior to this new phase, am I just prolonging things? Or am I just overthinking things as usual? I know you can’t really answer these questions, but it would still be interesting to read your thoughts.

I was able to turn to this place and do a bit of reading in a quiet space today and I must say, it felt like a sanctuary of order amongst chaos. The lighthearted thread that seemed to pick up momentum today was actually perfect and very well timed, so thanks for that too. 

I’m very drained now- time to go and sleep for a millennia, I reckon.

Parents

  • It sounds like you're starting to be more aware of things now and it's positive the adjustments are helping somewhat. We can't change things immediately over night. I rarely have meltdowns but more often shut downs. I think they could both possibly stem from overload. I think the key is to understand what can set off your meltdowns.  So for me with a shutdown ive learned it might be "this is a change to the plan" or "I'm frustrated with ...." or "there's too much going on around me" or "there's too much to think about" or "I've not got specific instructions and i dont know what im supposed to be doing". I think it takes practise and we have to chip away. It is hard. Alexithymia doesn't help in that we can often not see it coming till the final straw breaks the camel's back so to speak. I also wonder, and I'm speaking from my own experience....since diagnosis, I'm more aware of what triggers things now but because of years of masking I'm still holding it in because that's the habit and what is expected. So it takes a)noticing it's boiling up and then b)doing something about it so it doesn't boil over. Also, accepting the fact that sometimes it does boil over and there's nothing you can do except let it happen or hold it in till hometime and then recover. 

  • in reply to Deleted User
    Unknown said:
    since diagnosis, I'm more aware of what triggers things now but because of years of masking I'm still holding it in because that's the habit and what is expected. So it takes a)noticing it's boiling up and then b)doing something about it so it doesn't boil over.

    I do wonder, after reading this, if this could be the case for me too. Habits can be hard to break, especially when you spend a lifetime, relatively speaking, practicing them.

    That and the fact that these things tend to sneak up on me sometimes.

    It’s funny that it took for someone to point out that something might be bothering me, for me to look up and notice what it was! Oh well, I think I know now. And with that knowledge, I can now do something about it. Better late than never in my opinion. 

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  • in reply to Deleted User
    Unknown said:
    since diagnosis, I'm more aware of what triggers things now but because of years of masking I'm still holding it in because that's the habit and what is expected. So it takes a)noticing it's boiling up and then b)doing something about it so it doesn't boil over.

    I do wonder, after reading this, if this could be the case for me too. Habits can be hard to break, especially when you spend a lifetime, relatively speaking, practicing them.

    That and the fact that these things tend to sneak up on me sometimes.

    It’s funny that it took for someone to point out that something might be bothering me, for me to look up and notice what it was! Oh well, I think I know now. And with that knowledge, I can now do something about it. Better late than never in my opinion. 

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