The Autism Industrial Complex

Daniel,

Unfortunately the way our society is structured means that most things are marketed and marketable.  I like to believe that the majority of people are genuine and wanting to help each other though.  I'm not sure how ABA has been used in different cases or what the individual experience of it is.  All I know it that in order to function in society, there are certain behaviours that are deemed acceptable. 

My daughter is Autistic and I have many traits but no diagnosis.  I explained to her at an early age that she'd need to find different ways of stimming because other people would not understand her need to do so.  It saddens me but I know how some people can be.  I guess this is a kind of positive reinforcement so she will not be bullied by those who do not understand Autism.  It's my way of protecting her but doesn't mean I am modifying her behaviour in a negative way because she can be free and herself when she's with me but we both have to act a certain way in public.  Sad but true.  What I find upsetting is that folks have to do this in order to "fit" into society and the people that aren't able to control their behaviours are labelled unfavourably by a society that doesn't understand.  :-(

I more than strongly disagree with you about fitting in, you immediately fall in the logical fallacy of the bandwagon.

Women aren’t allowed jobs, slavery, racism, discrimination and more were deemed “socially significant” behaviour, you are suggesting if society chooses to be evil and immoral we should all be evil and immoral people. You are going to have to justify your idea that it’s better to stop your daughter stimming, you’re actually claiming we should approve bullies bullying people but not approve stimming, why not modify the bullies?

When you claim we need to conform what are you actually saying? You’re saying to people “stop being who you are” which illustrates society is so hypocritical, it claims to equally value everyone and directly does the opposite wishing to hurt people.

 I will not conform to your immoral idea that I must devalue and discriminate a minority and praise bullies for bullying someone. Your ideas are the same as Ole Ivar Lovaas’s.

Daniel said:

why not modify the bullies?

Oh, why did nobody think of that before? Have you found a way that works? When I was a kid I used to try to modify the bullies by punching their faces in, I thought they'd be much nicer with their nose on the other side of their head. Not sure if it worked or not.

I don't disagree that society needs to change, but it is not the easiest task and in the short term it is hardly immoral for a loving mother to want to protect her daughter by advising her how not to get bullied.

Triker,

Thank you so much for your support. 

I have been on a huge researching/learning journey from when my daughter was diagnosed through to realising my ex husband and myself are most definitely Autistic but not diagnosed.  I've found this forum cathartic but sometimes upsetting because of how text can be misconstrued.  I'm glad you understand what my post means and that you can see the kind of parent/person I am from my length of time posting on here.  I hope that everyone here gains insight, understanding and support from here which I have been lucky to find. 

I don't disagree that it should be possible to stop at least most bullies. However, who can stop them? A child who is confused and upset and possibly quite young? (I do not know the age of the child in question.) A parent? I don't know much about how schools work these days, it's a long time since I was in one and only when I was a child myself, but I don't think a parent has any rights to act, all they can do is ask the school authorities to do something, or advise their child on how to deal with the problem, and that might well depend on the child. Do the school authorities deal well with the bullying problem? Some do better than others.

To criticise an individual parent, and quite harshly too because your tone was not gentle, is not really fair. OK so some parents do have no understanding of autism and can try to make their kid behave not autistic, but the person to whom you said this is not in that category, as is clear not just from other posts on this site, but from the post you replied to. 

When I was a kid who was bullied, I did not know how to stop the bullies. I tried ignoring them, I tried fighting them. Every kid knows there is no point reporting them. I could not communicate with them, I am autistic! Although I did not know it then, but the thought of trying to reason with them did not seem plausible. I have to say that it might have worked, at least with some of them, if there had been some way for that to happen. But I was not capable of creating such a way and it was not made by anyone else either.

Maybe a parent could research ways to prevent bullying and ask the school to implement them. But in the meantime, how do they deal with their upset autistic bullied kid? I do not think it wrong to advise the kid that if they find a less visible way to stim then they might be bullied less, but only in front of the bullies. This is not rewarding the bullies. Yes it is not an ideal solution, but really, what is a powerless parent to do? Nor is it removing autonomy from the autistic child, in fact it is giving her an option she may not have thought of, that her innocent stim might be what is attracting the bullying, such that if she hid it then she might not be bullied. I agree that is horrible, but it is not removing her autonomy, it is giving her more options, not fewer. She still has the option to do the stim even knowing she might get bullied for it.

Since you seem to know how bullies should be dealt with, better to just advise the parent what can be done and how to get it implemented in the school, instead of criticising the parent, who is ND like the rest of us and thus has their own struggles.

Daniel said:

Most of the time it takes getting to and solving the root issue of what's happening beneath the surface in the bully's mind.

Which is probably beyond the skillset of a bullied autistic kid. If you managed to do this when you were a kid then that is great, but it is probably beyond most kids. You could try teaching bullied kids how to deal with bullies, or write a book about it or have a youtube channel! I'm sure it would be useful info for many kids, ND or otherwise.

I don't disagree that it should be possible to stop at least most bullies. However, who can stop them? A child who is confused and upset and possibly quite young? (I do not know the age of the child in question.) A parent? I don't know much about how schools work these days, it's a long time since I was in one and only when I was a child myself, but I don't think a parent has any rights to act, all they can do is ask the school authorities to do something, or advise their child on how to deal with the problem, and that might well depend on the child. Do the school authorities deal well with the bullying problem? Some do better than others.

To criticise an individual parent, and quite harshly too because your tone was not gentle, is not really fair. OK so some parents do have no understanding of autism and can try to make their kid behave not autistic, but the person to whom you said this is not in that category, as is clear not just from other posts on this site, but from the post you replied to. 

When I was a kid who was bullied, I did not know how to stop the bullies. I tried ignoring them, I tried fighting them. Every kid knows there is no point reporting them. I could not communicate with them, I am autistic! Although I did not know it then, but the thought of trying to reason with them did not seem plausible. I have to say that it might have worked, at least with some of them, if there had been some way for that to happen. But I was not capable of creating such a way and it was not made by anyone else either.

Maybe a parent could research ways to prevent bullying and ask the school to implement them. But in the meantime, how do they deal with their upset autistic bullied kid? I do not think it wrong to advise the kid that if they find a less visible way to stim then they might be bullied less, but only in front of the bullies. This is not rewarding the bullies. Yes it is not an ideal solution, but really, what is a powerless parent to do? Nor is it removing autonomy from the autistic child, in fact it is giving her an option she may not have thought of, that her innocent stim might be what is attracting the bullying, such that if she hid it then she might not be bullied. I agree that is horrible, but it is not removing her autonomy, it is giving her more options, not fewer. She still has the option to do the stim even knowing she might get bullied for it.

Since you seem to know how bullies should be dealt with, better to just advise the parent what can be done and how to get it implemented in the school, instead of criticising the parent, who is ND like the rest of us and thus has their own struggles.

Daniel said:

Most of the time it takes getting to and solving the root issue of what's happening beneath the surface in the bully's mind.

Which is probably beyond the skillset of a bullied autistic kid. If you managed to do this when you were a kid then that is great, but it is probably beyond most kids. You could try teaching bullied kids how to deal with bullies, or write a book about it or have a youtube channel! I'm sure it would be useful info for many kids, ND or otherwise.

Triker,

Thank you so much for your support. 

I have been on a huge researching/learning journey from when my daughter was diagnosed through to realising my ex husband and myself are most definitely Autistic but not diagnosed.  I've found this forum cathartic but sometimes upsetting because of how text can be misconstrued.  I'm glad you understand what my post means and that you can see the kind of parent/person I am from my length of time posting on here.  I hope that everyone here gains insight, understanding and support from here which I have been lucky to find.