School reports - how were yours?

I got "doing very well, but needs to contribute more in class" from pretty much every teacher.

Yes, the "needs to speak up in class" is a recurring theme in my reports.  Then, 30 years later, in those of my sons.  No thought given as to why we weren't speaking up.  :(

I would have liked some guidance as to *how* to contribute in class, or how to communicate more generally beyond "well you've just got to do it... you've a tongue in your head, haven't you?"

I spent my whole childhood being told I was (a) very intelligent and (b) too quiet. I couldn't figure out how on earth to fix (b) so I leaned into (a) hoping that would somehow compensate. Got the best A level results in the history of my grammar school. Struggled through uni but still did well on final exams. Crashed and burned after graduation due to not being able to have successful interactions with others and have achieved very little since.

This was all accidental really, as due to a long term condition I discovered later in life, I found myself running a helpline from home,intending to just answer routine calls and send out information packs.  In fact I got people calling me in floods of tears and feeling inadequate and unqualified to deal with this situation.  So I found this entry level interpersonal skills course at my local college, just around the corner and, given that it was just an evening a week for just a few weeks, I thought that I'd give it a go.  I also told myself that I could just leave at any time if I wanted to as it was, at that time, heavily subsidised and didn't cost much at all.  

Then,from the very start, I realised that this was much more like psychology, in which I was already enormously interested, and with the bonus of being experiential and within a very safe environment, which I'd needed all along!  I also got really positive feedback, not just about my work (perfectionist as usual!) but about the personal qualities I was bringing to the skills practice.  And this felt weird but very welcome as I was failing as an accountant at the time and all the "feedback" (for which read soul-destroying criticism) I was getting there was very different.  

So there I was, actively learning about empathy, genuineness and unconditional positive regard, not just through some fun written activities (which included some fairly arty stuff) but also through class interactions on a 1:1, small group and whole group basis, with the group agreeing on their own rules for safe interactions in advance and a "no explanation needed" option to refrain from any particular task.  It seemed to combine the best primary school activities with psychological insights and positive personal guidance.  Where had this been all my life?  

So, although I wouldn't suggest that autistic people specifically need social skills training, I do believe that this is something that is lacking in general education for everyone and, if a similar course can be found that isn't too much of an initial committment, it might be worth giving it a go.  I honestly only started by tentatively dipping my toe in, then I felt so sad when the course was ending that I decided, along with a group of others from the Level 1, to go straight to the Level 2.  And I didn't anticipate doing that at all.           

Oh that's interesting! I've often wondered whether there's some kind of course that could help.

Indeed.  We were so often met with those well-worn statements, as if simply bringing it to our attention would resolve matters.  We, I suppose it did from their point of view as it pushed systemic failures onto our individual shoulders and then, when we failed to learn from that, well we only had ourselves to blame for not simply being more confident, speaking up or behaving like everybody else!

I only eventually started to feel more confident after doing a Level 1 Interpersonal skills course in my mid 40s - the introduction to lots of counselling courses - and the emphasis was on experiential learning, within small groups and a very safe and accepting environment.  I could feel the atmosphere shift as I drove back from my day in the finance office and walked into the counselling room.  But even then I felt really angry because I couldn't help wondering why the rest of my education hadn't been like that!   Also the basic level of knowledge and experience imparted was exactly what I'd needed when I was about 13, not 45! 

NB that's not to say that I think autistic people specifically should be taught social skills - the opposite in fact, because it should be on the syllabus for everyone.  Then maybe there'd be more understanding between neurotypes.  Certainly I was in a very mixed group and at the time didn't know that I was autistic, but there was a lot of emphasis on group dynamics, a safe learning environment and accepting difference.  Much of it was based on the person-centred approach of Carl Rogers, who was writing in the 50s and 60s so all of this was certainly known when I went to school!    

But anyway, I just feel really sad that the combination of intelligence and sensitivity often isn't accommodated and doesn't sit well in many workplace environments either.  It feels as though a whole neurotype is being systematically undervalued and, whlst not overtly excluded, discouraged again and again so that it becomes very hard to "succeed".  "Success" is, after all, often only gained on their terms.  :( 

Indeed.  We were so often met with those well-worn statements, as if simply bringing it to our attention would resolve matters.  We, I suppose it did from their point of view as it pushed systemic failures onto our individual shoulders and then, when we failed to learn from that, well we only had ourselves to blame for not simply being more confident, speaking up or behaving like everybody else!

I only eventually started to feel more confident after doing a Level 1 Interpersonal skills course in my mid 40s - the introduction to lots of counselling courses - and the emphasis was on experiential learning, within small groups and a very safe and accepting environment.  I could feel the atmosphere shift as I drove back from my day in the finance office and walked into the counselling room.  But even then I felt really angry because I couldn't help wondering why the rest of my education hadn't been like that!   Also the basic level of knowledge and experience imparted was exactly what I'd needed when I was about 13, not 45! 

NB that's not to say that I think autistic people specifically should be taught social skills - the opposite in fact, because it should be on the syllabus for everyone.  Then maybe there'd be more understanding between neurotypes.  Certainly I was in a very mixed group and at the time didn't know that I was autistic, but there was a lot of emphasis on group dynamics, a safe learning environment and accepting difference.  Much of it was based on the person-centred approach of Carl Rogers, who was writing in the 50s and 60s so all of this was certainly known when I went to school!    

But anyway, I just feel really sad that the combination of intelligence and sensitivity often isn't accommodated and doesn't sit well in many workplace environments either.  It feels as though a whole neurotype is being systematically undervalued and, whlst not overtly excluded, discouraged again and again so that it becomes very hard to "succeed".  "Success" is, after all, often only gained on their terms.  :( 

This was all accidental really, as due to a long term condition I discovered later in life, I found myself running a helpline from home,intending to just answer routine calls and send out information packs.  In fact I got people calling me in floods of tears and feeling inadequate and unqualified to deal with this situation.  So I found this entry level interpersonal skills course at my local college, just around the corner and, given that it was just an evening a week for just a few weeks, I thought that I'd give it a go.  I also told myself that I could just leave at any time if I wanted to as it was, at that time, heavily subsidised and didn't cost much at all.  

Then,from the very start, I realised that this was much more like psychology, in which I was already enormously interested, and with the bonus of being experiential and within a very safe environment, which I'd needed all along!  I also got really positive feedback, not just about my work (perfectionist as usual!) but about the personal qualities I was bringing to the skills practice.  And this felt weird but very welcome as I was failing as an accountant at the time and all the "feedback" (for which read soul-destroying criticism) I was getting there was very different.  

So there I was, actively learning about empathy, genuineness and unconditional positive regard, not just through some fun written activities (which included some fairly arty stuff) but also through class interactions on a 1:1, small group and whole group basis, with the group agreeing on their own rules for safe interactions in advance and a "no explanation needed" option to refrain from any particular task.  It seemed to combine the best primary school activities with psychological insights and positive personal guidance.  Where had this been all my life?  

So, although I wouldn't suggest that autistic people specifically need social skills training, I do believe that this is something that is lacking in general education for everyone and, if a similar course can be found that isn't too much of an initial committment, it might be worth giving it a go.  I honestly only started by tentatively dipping my toe in, then I felt so sad when the course was ending that I decided, along with a group of others from the Level 1, to go straight to the Level 2.  And I didn't anticipate doing that at all.           

Oh that's interesting! I've often wondered whether there's some kind of course that could help.