Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm just watching this Yo Samdy Sam video and already noticing (in spite of her posh, private school education - privilege alert!) that many of the teachers' observations are almost exaclty the same as on my own. Almost eerily, in fact, although I went to a very rough comprehensive in the North East of England. My reports were, on the face of it, rather good, but there are some little asides which indicate constant high levels of anxiety combined with my supposed "giftedness" (I was actually terrified into appearing "gifted", I now think). When I look back, I'm getting more of a feeling of, "My goodness - what did they do to me?" Very interesting, I think, And I'll probably reflect some more on this as I watch the rest. My "giftedness" didn't exactly carry over into most of the workplaces I got myself trapped in and I then experienced decades of anxiety and fairly poor mental health. So... and if you care to share, how was it for you? www.youtube.com/watch
My primary school ones weren’t too bad. I was described as quiet, reserved, doesn’t participate in group discussions; likes the company of one or two friends etc. Also, ‘excellent’ at English and creative writing but struggles in other areas.
However, things went downhill in secondary school. I was described as ‘troubled’. One teacher even wrote – **** constantly looks ‘morose’ – when he should be enjoying life at his age.
I don’t think I learned a single thing in secondary school. The teachers showed zero interest and deemed me a dumbass as I couldn’t concentrate or participate in class. I just rebelled, smoked pot and thumped anyone who tried picking on me.
I had one English teacher who encouraged my creative writing, but back then I couldn’t see where it would take me. I left with one GCSE and spent years in jobs I hated.
Anyway, at the age of 37, I took up writing again and earned a degree in English language and creative writing. I should have just skipped secondary school. Primary school was much more productive!
Sounds dire, again with no indication as to how they would be supporting you. It's great that you took up writing again, but just terrible that most of the people who were supposed to be educators virtually stamped it out of you. I suppose that you at least have the memory of that one teacher having some faith in your ability, even though you couldn't really respond at that time (entirely understandably, given the rest of what you went through).And how on earth can "constantly looks morose" be an acceptable thing to write? I think this kind of thing was more common in the past and it certainly chimes with what Sam was saying about the lack of confidence and the apparent "helpful" advice to "just be more confident", as if that were even possible without the right support. Personally, I used to get a lot of , "Cheer up, it might never happen" type comments, when I clearly needed help! How can we enjoy life when we just get blamed in situations that have consistently made us feel that way? As it it's always our fault and, no, they don't need to change!
Jenny Butterfly
Exactly, the whole system is ridiculous. I would have loved to have skipped most subjects and just focused on creative activities.
The ‘morose’ thing is shocking, isn’t it. My end-of-year report stated that I’m ‘clearly troubled’, yet they did nothing to find out the reasons.
I’ve experienced that as well. From early childhood, I was constantly told to ‘smile’ everywhere I went. Used to annoy me big time. As I got older I was just called miserable and grumpy by everyone. Doesn’t help our mental health!
Do any of us handle pressure well?! Part of it was my mistake of not having the best time management and putting too much into the conference. I do wonder if an autism diagnosis might have helped, but probably not, given my known disability an lower energy levels.
Sounds like I'll do an MA at some point! The PhD sounds like a lot of pressure. I managed to get a second lot of funding for my Bsc as it's a STEM-based degree. I like the idea of a part-time degree, purely out of interest. I don't handle pressure very well!
I loved my PhD subject and being able to deep dive. It was only the time pressure and deadlines which I couldn't do, it caused so much stress and has taken me years to get over and I am still actually angry about it because it is so unfair. I could have done it if I had enough time, or even if my time had been managed better. If I had been able to take a few months off to recover sooner before I had both broken down irretrievably and before I had used some of that deadline just tying to survive because I had to rest for a month after this one really intense conference for which I had overprepared. But instead of a gentle recovery I found I had to go straight into more intense work for the next stage.
By contrast a part time MA was lovely. Especially that for the research project it had to be handed in just at one date so I was given the choice between doing it in 3 months or 15 months! So that meant I was an MA student for 3 years, so it wasn't over too soon!
So I know what you mean by that. I used to dread actually finishing my PhD but that would have been infinitely better than dropping out. I have considered doing another one but they are so expensive if you have to pay for it yourself. I had a bursary for mine, and for the PhD.
Definitely, creative activities are great therapy!
AuTriker
Haha, that process can be a tad time-consuming!
There's no shame in that. I was reluctant to do an MA. Mainly, because I thought it would be over too quickly. I may do one in time though. I imagine a PhD can be brutal!
the art of good writing being re-writing
Which is another part of my problem as I do not enjoy that process!
Your subjects sound interesting. I like having classes (online) to give structure and accountability too.
I loved my degree and MA. But I could not cope with modern PhD, so much pressure, apparently they felt the need as academic jobs have pressure. But I felt it was most unfair that some people got to spend years on theirs and I could not even cope with part time hours so had to give up.
Yes, that's exactly what i did with counselling, although I do wonder whether I'd have been so interested if it wasn't for all the trauma within my family.And art... oh art... I must return to that.
Haha, it just felt like the perfect opportunity for teachers to pick on people. Unless you were good at sport of course!
I know what you mean. I procrastinate a lot with my writing. I love writing dialogue though; I listen to people's conversations to get ideas and make it sound as real as possible. Sometimes it pays to just write sloppily and polish it up later. There's a quote somewhere about the art of good writing being re-writing!
I'm doing a combined STEM degree with the OU. I'm going to focus on environmental science and psychology, part-time over six years. It's purely out of interest and to have some structure and routine.
That degree and MA sounds interesting. Love a bit of history!
It sounds like we all hated PE, I don't recall a single response here that claimed to like it. Unless someone did but is afraid to speak up! Haha.
I have studied creative writing informally, I wanted to write a novel but keep feeling I have nothing to say and the dialogue sometimes feels stilted. I would need to set it in the past but then feel the need to know everything about whatever period and never can know enough, even though I did a medieval studies degree and Viking/Anglo-Saxon MA!
What BSc are you starting?
Very true. I love creative writing and studied it but am also about to do a Bsc, so I guess I'm more complex than I first thought!
Yeah, PE was dreadful - I absolutely hated rugby and football!
Exactly. I left school pretty confused. I completely understand the fear of criticism and humiliation as well. I seriously lack confidence and my abilities. I've worked in construction, been a chef; a personal trainer; a boxing trainer; a web designer, and now I'm working as a writer and editor. Also, I'm about to start another degree in a completely unrelated subject. More out of interest and to keep me focused. Guess I'm making up for my school days!
But some of us are creative and academic and love both. I would have been sad to not get the break that art allowed. I know I would not have picked that over academic subjects even if it had been allowed I would have felt the subtle pressure, because that is what I did pick when the time came. Although not being forced to do PE would have been bliss!
I am heartily glad my school did still stream top middle and bottom group for some subjects though, I think they were starting to scrap that.
True. We should have been encouraged towards becoming the people we were meant to be, not some cookie cutter version of what politicians and educators decided was needed. Mind you, I'd still have found it hard to make choices in keeping with the person I am. So much of education is geared towards the external view - a teacher, an examiner, an interviewer, constantly assessed and given marks and grades accordingly. Apparently I was a "born scientist" an "excellent mathematician" and a "gifted linguist", but really, between me and myself, I was terrified into becoming a perfectionist whose fears and anxieties revolved around the avoidance of all possible criticism or humiliation. And I only wanted to be an artist but didn't know myself and didn't know how to stand my ground. I think Sam refers to it, maybe in a different way, but I felt that my own inclinations and interests needed to be put to one side and felt forced to please everyone else. So, after years of this, when we were given options for choosing subjects at A level and university, I didn't choose what I wanted, I chose what I thought I was supposed to choose and what would help me on the jobs market. Of course, I ended up in a market for which I was never suited in terms of my personal qualities and enthusiams and I was a fish out of water - and that isn't a recipe for success for anyone.
Exactly! I wish they could have found a way of separating kids based on their skills. E.g., creatives, mathematicians, scientists etc. Then allowing them to flourish in their chosen interests. I'm sure some schools do it - just not an option for the masses!
Very true. I think it would have been far better for me if I'd been educated at home. School was very damaging for autistic children back then (and maybe still is).
I went from being happy, positive, keen to learn and conscientious to being so anxious and traumatised that I was no longer able to attend. Of course nobody asked why I wasn't able to speak in class or why I stopped attending lessons.
Support was non existent in those days. It was very much a blame culture and survival of the fittest, both physically and mentally.
Yes, teaching can actually be quite dangerous and there are a few teachers in my family who've experienced this kind of thing. And putting victims and perpetrators together just seems ludicrous! I wonder who this system is actually working for!
Mind you, my sister and I were both well on the way to becoming school phobics. In fact my sister barely attended for her A levels and we had to fight for her to still be able to sit the English exam because they reckoned her non attendance meant she wasn't interested and wasn't learning. She was actually learning at home and outshone everyone else in the final exams!
My Mum was actually a home tutor, I did used to think that would have been nice, but it was only extreme cases that got that, like school phobics who just wouldn't attend at all. She also worked in a special school which had 3 types of pupil, the school phobics, pregnant schoolgirls, and violent bullies who had been excluded! I never understood how anyone could thing that was a good mix. Put the bullies and the most bullied together?! It was quite dangerous, she got threatened with a knife once and the stress made her sick.