Published on 12, July, 2020
Four decades of trying to get on. Fourteen years of school. Two courses of CBT. Surely, an abundance of clues given off by me… and nothing. *I* had to be the one to suggest autism. But not before all those decades of tacitly assuming and resolving that all the stress and anxiety were things I just had to be clever enough and strong enough to push through. Desperately trying to obtain and cling on to a shred of credibility, despite my weirdness. Being failed over and over again by a lazy, vacuous, uncaring, one-size-fits-all system. Having such a low opinion of myself for thinking I was a pathetic failure. And feeling so humiliated at being alienated by the ‘normal’ majority that this precious society is designed for. Trying so very hard to get on and succeed… denigrating and trying to push past my weirdness and difficulties. And internalising such nasty, cruel thoughts. Hating myself for being weak, stupid, gormless, needy… and projecting that onto strangers, because they represent the normal majority who seem to have it so easy by comparison and are so unguarded and homogenous in each other’s company. Is it any wonder I felt “f*** you, then” and kept them at arm’s length? And that was before covid AND the cladding scandal came along to terrorise me simultaneously, as I lived alone in this flat. You’ve really done it this time… you expect me to be like you? Shrug a shoulder and casually go wading back into social mixing despite the risk that remains? Like I cannot possibly do without you? After what you’ve done to me? Go f*** yourselves. That’s how I feel. I’ve had enough of the arrogant, flippant, lazy, casual, offhand, uncaring, vacuous, one-size-fits-all attitude. It got very old a very long time ago. And now, with this toxic, non chalant “we have to learn to live with it” attitude… they just expect me to swallow that? They expect me to need THEM so much that I’m prepared to risk getting long covid for the ‘privilege’ of their company in this shallow consumer culture that we cannot possibly do without? Either that or they expect me to be so flippant, casual or in denial about it (LIKE THEM) that when BORIS (that well-known philanthropist and teller of truths) comes on TV and says “you don’t have to wear a mask any more!” I’m supposed to be like them and say “oh, OK, great, let’s all get down bar and ‘ave a f***in’ brew!”? Er, no. You’ve really done it this time. How dare you expect me to come gormlessly sauntering back to your society after everything you’ve done to me. Shove it. I’m out.
I have to say that your lamentation of the journey to an answer through the processes of a ‘typical’ person mimics my current struggle. Being further behind, I haven’t managed to get ASD screening yet, situation is something I wrestle with constantly. I have just managed to complete my first session of 12 CBT sessions this week, after waiting for 2+years, having awakened to the idea that my brain’s suggestions are not enough to free myself from my doleful existence.
I am being intimidated, coerced, and shamed on a daily basis to conform and adapt to what society what settle me into, individuality be damned. I am trying to take account of myself, I feel that without some kind of affirmation and adjustment I will be doomed to burn out every time I have a burst of stoicism. CBT for me is, without resources and answers, at best a means of counselling. I guess I feel the practical aspects of CBT are too far from the coping mechanisms I already have in place to mitigate the threat of the world, I feel my behaviours are the best I can do with the resources and knowledge that I have. I’m not a resource-rich individual and I’ve fallen to a level that a can stabilise with the attitudes I’ve scraped together with my wits and experiences. I don’t feel I have the means to build.
Hell, I even reached out to NAS in a fairly comprehensive way and all I got was a ‘check the website’ email. Perhaps it seems that tarring future experiences with the brush of past stonewalls is over the top, but there’s a point where the tally of all these experiences build up a precedent that is quite reasonable to use; we live in a standardised world and what is standardisation if not a process built off averages to deal with averages; but I’m not the right kind of average. I am weird enough to not be invested in and passable-enough to be allowed to fall through the cracks.
I don’t talk, think, act, feel or sense like anyone else I know; I feel a certain kinship after reading this comment, but without a diagnosis or even a confirmation I feel like an imposter just replying to this. I’m told that my, evident but non-priority, anxiety and depression is a result of my ‘core-beliefs’ but somehow I think that vanity is not my issue. I think that the daily threat of being atypical in a typical world for 27 years has allowed me to create a mask strong enough to deceive the harsh environment; in which I live, into thinking that I am stiff necked, but really I am just inept and scared of being pressed to perform the impossible and punished for trying to appease the unsateable.
Anyway, I appreciate your comment Arx, there’s a lot of truth to what you say and it’s a comfort to be able to draw comparison from your experience.
Thanks for this. Sounds like that CBT therapist of yours is just following the same kind of script as both of mine followed, which assumes they’re dealing with a neurotypical person who has, until recently, been a perfectly happy, ‘normal’, functioning person. And despite the number of clues both of us have given off, they’re sticking to the script. It’s dangerous as it may inadvertently encourage denial, masking etc. which will only end one way. You don’t seem like an imposter to me at all. Try to get that screening. If nothing else, it may open the door to something more tailored to you as an individual. You deserve that. It sucks that we have to fight for anything beyond ‘entry level’ stuff that doesn’t assume the above and doesn’t try to patch us up and throw us back with minimal effort. It sucks even more that it seems so common that it has to occur to US to realise that we need something more than that, when they’re supposed to be the ones trained to spot this stuff. And in our trusting innocence, we assume that they’re doing the right things by us. It’s just another example of how we’re being failed and we’re left wondering why the problem isn’t being solved. No wonder there’s this temptation to think of ourselves as ‘weird’ and no wonder the desperation mounts. Well, we have to start being kinder to ourselves and insist they make an effort to understand our needs properly.
I appreciate the intelligence that informs your comments Arx, it’s just mind boggling to me how full and ready your response is. Can you tell that my reply to you is the first I’ve made on this forum? :D
I think that the systemising nature of Asperger’s/ ASD and the ‘long way round’ trials, that are brought on my the rigid nature of the way we may process life and interact, makes us quite knowledgeable in the end. By the time we’ve finished, we’ve mapped a thorough view of a process. Driven by interest I’m proud to call myself an amateur; it’s just a shame that the world is so reward-punishment, so professional.
I was a wallflower for the whole of my schooling, I never said a word and the majority of my education was achieved as soon as the overseers/lecturers were gone and I could pursue topic by my interests. Years later, when I tried my hand at adult learning (voluntary), I could pick an atypical learner out of a classroom full of learners. I could supplement there struggle with minimal effort. With all of the following and watching I did over the years, I found I could naturally stabilise the flow of a small class. I didn’t need to employ any of that pseudo-leadership/reviewing that society is so eager to implement. These man-made structures don’t stand up to life-experienced and sensitivity-driven service providers. I realised that maybe I was life-experienced in being atypical, but non of the time-orientated clock watchers that I was appointed over the years cared for the extra paperwork.
For all of the people that I have spoken to, it’s crazy that the most original and comprehensive responses I’ve had, have been from fellows. It’s not so hard to imagine that the people most attuned to my woes would be comparable in experience. If it takes 10 years to become proficient, then I’ve got 23yrs (from start of school) of experience under my belt. In the face of such complex problems that I don’t have words for, I’m struck dumb. What chance have any of us got in finding an understanding, with a graduate with 5 years of theory and tick sheet as a guide?
There’s nothing in any conversation with any professional I’ve spoken to that I couldn’t have read in a book. But you’ve gotten back to me in an hour with a comprehensive and multi-layered consideration. How it is that people of our type get stuck at the bottom of the pyramid, with no other option that to spent our days casting pearls up to swine, whilst they throw foul back down at us. How can it be that I’ve got two equally high piles of books on CBT and Asperger’s literature on my desk (lawn furniture) whilst I sleep on the floor in a unfurnished bedsit for years on end and starve; and at the same time, sit in front of an falsely-smiling inquisitor and be called unmotivated and vain? How can it be that I am a ‘parasite on society’ and a ‘scourge’ when I take less than I need and have given the last pounds I have, net, to the homeless of the street countless times because I have known there suffering and understand the power of an unguarded exchange; yet I have to sit in front of a fool who thinks ‘my’ beliefs are in the wrong place and not theirs?
I believe in fairness as much as the next man; but I’m a depressed, anxious hermit who liquifies his net worth to zero every month and put it all straight back into the economy. I effect nothing an no one and I’m not so sure I’m fairly treated by anyone. In fact, I’m not so sure that anyone who is forced to push up hill forever because their community overlooks and exploits them is the one with the arrears, moral or otherwise. I mean, hell, Sisyphus got his boulder because of his inequities; we get our boulder because of our community’s inequities.
Apologies, I feel incredibly intoxicated to be able riff/vent/rant in this way and to a receptive audience no less, I’ll pipe down now:D
Yes. Welcome to the reality of being an autistic adult without any support.
Arx said:Being failed over and over again by a lazy, vacuous, uncaring, one-size-fits-all system.
Sums it up very well.