Published on 12, July, 2020
Four decades of trying to get on. Fourteen years of school. Two courses of CBT. Surely, an abundance of clues given off by me… and nothing. *I* had to be the one to suggest autism. But not before all those decades of tacitly assuming and resolving that all the stress and anxiety were things I just had to be clever enough and strong enough to push through. Desperately trying to obtain and cling on to a shred of credibility, despite my weirdness. Being failed over and over again by a lazy, vacuous, uncaring, one-size-fits-all system. Having such a low opinion of myself for thinking I was a pathetic failure. And feeling so humiliated at being alienated by the ‘normal’ majority that this precious society is designed for. Trying so very hard to get on and succeed… denigrating and trying to push past my weirdness and difficulties. And internalising such nasty, cruel thoughts. Hating myself for being weak, stupid, gormless, needy… and projecting that onto strangers, because they represent the normal majority who seem to have it so easy by comparison and are so unguarded and homogenous in each other’s company. Is it any wonder I felt “f*** you, then” and kept them at arm’s length? And that was before covid AND the cladding scandal came along to terrorise me simultaneously, as I lived alone in this flat. You’ve really done it this time… you expect me to be like you? Shrug a shoulder and casually go wading back into social mixing despite the risk that remains? Like I cannot possibly do without you? After what you’ve done to me? Go f*** yourselves. That’s how I feel. I’ve had enough of the arrogant, flippant, lazy, casual, offhand, uncaring, vacuous, one-size-fits-all attitude. It got very old a very long time ago. And now, with this toxic, non chalant “we have to learn to live with it” attitude… they just expect me to swallow that? They expect me to need THEM so much that I’m prepared to risk getting long covid for the ‘privilege’ of their company in this shallow consumer culture that we cannot possibly do without? Either that or they expect me to be so flippant, casual or in denial about it (LIKE THEM) that when BORIS (that well-known philanthropist and teller of truths) comes on TV and says “you don’t have to wear a mask any more!” I’m supposed to be like them and say “oh, OK, great, let’s all get down bar and ‘ave a f***in’ brew!”? Er, no. You’ve really done it this time. How dare you expect me to come gormlessly sauntering back to your society after everything you’ve done to me. Shove it. I’m out.
I have to say that your lamentation of the journey to an answer through the processes of a ‘typical’ person mimics my current struggle. Being further behind, I haven’t managed to get ASD screening yet, situation is something I wrestle with constantly. I have just managed to complete my first session of 12 CBT sessions this week, after waiting for 2+years, having awakened to the idea that my brain’s suggestions are not enough to free myself from my doleful existence.
I am being intimidated, coerced, and shamed on a daily basis to conform and adapt to what society what settle me into, individuality be damned. I am trying to take account of myself, I feel that without some kind of affirmation and adjustment I will be doomed to burn out every time I have a burst of stoicism. CBT for me is, without resources and answers, at best a means of counselling. I guess I feel the practical aspects of CBT are too far from the coping mechanisms I already have in place to mitigate the threat of the world, I feel my behaviours are the best I can do with the resources and knowledge that I have. I’m not a resource-rich individual and I’ve fallen to a level that a can stabilise with the attitudes I’ve scraped together with my wits and experiences. I don’t feel I have the means to build.
Hell, I even reached out to NAS in a fairly comprehensive way and all I got was a ‘check the website’ email. Perhaps it seems that tarring future experiences with the brush of past stonewalls is over the top, but there’s a point where the tally of all these experiences build up a precedent that is quite reasonable to use; we live in a standardised world and what is standardisation if not a process built off averages to deal with averages; but I’m not the right kind of average. I am weird enough to not be invested in and passable-enough to be allowed to fall through the cracks.
I don’t talk, think, act, feel or sense like anyone else I know; I feel a certain kinship after reading this comment, but without a diagnosis or even a confirmation I feel like an imposter just replying to this. I’m told that my, evident but non-priority, anxiety and depression is a result of my ‘core-beliefs’ but somehow I think that vanity is not my issue. I think that the daily threat of being atypical in a typical world for 27 years has allowed me to create a mask strong enough to deceive the harsh environment; in which I live, into thinking that I am stiff necked, but really I am just inept and scared of being pressed to perform the impossible and punished for trying to appease the unsateable.
Anyway, I appreciate your comment Arx, there’s a lot of truth to what you say and it’s a comfort to be able to draw comparison from your experience.
Thanks for this. Sounds like that CBT therapist of yours is just following the same kind of script as both of mine followed, which assumes they’re dealing with a neurotypical person who has, until recently, been a perfectly happy, ‘normal’, functioning person. And despite the number of clues both of us have given off, they’re sticking to the script. It’s dangerous as it may inadvertently encourage denial, masking etc. which will only end one way. You don’t seem like an imposter to me at all. Try to get that screening. If nothing else, it may open the door to something more tailored to you as an individual. You deserve that. It sucks that we have to fight for anything beyond ‘entry level’ stuff that doesn’t assume the above and doesn’t try to patch us up and throw us back with minimal effort. It sucks even more that it seems so common that it has to occur to US to realise that we need something more than that, when they’re supposed to be the ones trained to spot this stuff. And in our trusting innocence, we assume that they’re doing the right things by us. It’s just another example of how we’re being failed and we’re left wondering why the problem isn’t being solved. No wonder there’s this temptation to think of ourselves as ‘weird’ and no wonder the desperation mounts. Well, we have to start being kinder to ourselves and insist they make an effort to understand our needs properly.