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Autistic wife

Mic

Hi everybody, my name is Mic and this is my first post here. After months of struggle searching for some support I finally took courage to write here.

My wife has undiagnosed Aspergers syndrome combined with ADHD, chronic stress, and a diagnosed eating disorder. The main struggle is, although she performs great in her areas (IT, sports), she often misinterprets the social reality for the very worst option it may be understood at. This misinterpretation leads to hell-reminding atmosphere that lasts long. Like you ask what is the time, she would interpret it as I am telling her "you are always being late" even if it was not at all meant like that. You just ask about the time. She goes to meltdown (can physically hurt herself e.g. breaking the glass in her hand) and it takes up to three days (I am not exaggerating) before she recovers. Those are three days of an unbelievable hell for me, please believe. In the middle ages, they would think she is possessed by devil (I don`t want to justify that, just want to illustrate how hard it is). Even though I am physically quite a big man, I feel absolutely at the end of my power. My body, formerly very fit and athletic, starts to break down.

We have a lovely little boy who is the main reason that keeps me alive.

I have read a lot on autism, I have listened many podcasts, audiobooks, etc. Believe me, I devoted a pretty much time to understand. Now I believe I understand quite well what it is about.

To understand, however, does not mean to be able to cope with.

I struggle to find a therapist. Most of them are specialised on parental (not partner) support. It seems to me as if autism was only a child condition that disappears in adulthood.
Moreover, the vast majority of autist parent stories I found to have some  reference is about a woman having an autistic husband.

Am I the only male to have an autistic wife? Or the only one that openly struggles because of that? Has any of you experienced a similar struggle finding some support? What are the things I can do in order NOT to understand better, but to learn to cope with?  

  • OK so first you must understand that when she misunderstand you with the example with the time thing...I get it as my son has asd and before diagnosis he used to do this and it realy hurt and upset me because it feels like they are being nasty to you when you have done nothing  etc it can be very distressing for bothe people. Basically what is happening is that asd there are different problems which can vary from person to person ie one person can suffer with touch and just hate to be hugged..another person can  suffer with not being to stand certain colours or food etc...but what your wife is experiencing sounds like my son and what it is is that your wife is struggling with speech ie she struggling to understand and process what is being said and also not only that could also be struggling with facial cues or subtle nuances in voice tone etc ..it basically all adds up to it feeling like she is in a foreign country trying to find her way with no tools or help..so is why there is much confusion and misunderstanding. Also they can get a bit anxsty because imagine how you would feel if everyone around you was having no problem and only you couldn't do something and no one told you why so u end up feeling like you are stupid or the problem is likely how she is feeling...sounds very unlikely thing to say but what helped my son was actually  having a heart to heart telling him how much I love him etc etc reestablish the trust  and when you are talking things through with her ask her how she feel but remeber dont do long sessions of talking as just the act of talking can be hard for her also dont get over emtional be blunt and honest but obviously gentle as well also dont expect her to be able to resolve issues straight away when u have chats give her space in between ie a few days to be able to process it she may respond to you a few days later...also another tip is to start to try to be aware of her routines give her space let her find her own routines let her be quite when she wants as you may find that if given enough space she will come to you to chat   and  when she does just notice if there is a pattern ie my son will typoacly be pretty quite all day but on the odd time will aproach me usualy in  the exact same time in the evening then i know hes up for chat and probably wants to say something..also with the self harm..sounds like she being overwhlemd in general you can help her with this by just taking into acount she needs her own space  ie leave her alone too read a book let her have her own room she can go to..obviously i would also say keep a keen eye on her and if shes been quite to long just gently knock on the door and explain you just want to know she ok...counselors may not work as they are geared toward neuro non aspie people  i do recomend getting advice on here as its from real people who know...it can realy help as then even when she may be feeling vulnerable lost and stupid (which she isnt) if she knows she is in safe hands she may open up.

  • in reply to Mic

    Hmmm...I see the difficulty. It's not much use everyone else thinking your wife might be autistic, if she doesn't want to consider it. As a grown woman, no one can make her be assessed if she doesn't want that.

    Please don't blame yourself though. There's no magic way to broach this with someone. Some folk you could just up front say: "You come across as autistic, do you think you should be assessed?" and they say..."yeah, you could be right". Others, won't react well. Maybe they have negative or misguided views of what autism is. Maybe they do see it themselves but are afraid of what the label would do to their lives. 

    For now take on board what you can and adapt your own communication with her "as if". When she's ready, she may actively want an assessment.

    Meanwhile, you can come here for support yourself. You'll get the perspective both of autistic people and family members or carers of autistic people.

  • in reply to Dawn

    Hi Dawn, thank you. I absolutely agree with you - a proper diagnosis would be required. I myself have already discussed my wife`s condition with autism specialist who confirmed the autism hypothesis is possible and strongly recommended proper diagnosis. Yet in my country, the waiting list for such a diagnosis is 2 years long. And that is not the worst. My wife rejects the hypothesis and is absolutely unwilling to do any steps in this direction. I blame myself for telling her wrong way, but I am no specialist to tell a person he/she might be autistic. I got no instruction to do that. As a result, she just gets annoyed whenever some of her autistic traits might support the hypothesis. In any case, to an autistic counsellor she would not go. I am absolutely lost, helpless, reading, listening, I consulted two specialists from the National centre of autism, everybody says get a diagnosis and find a counsellor. She does not want a diagnosis and there are only few counsellors with proper experience - I have talked to some but with all respect to their work I think I have already gained much more knowledge on the topic then they do. There are some recommended, but overbooked. Guess I need to keep searching, maybe across the border of my country. Which is btw. the reason why I joined the discussion here.

  • in reply to Sporadic Sparkly

    Hi Sparky, and thanks for your response. I totally agree with you but honestly I am giving up a search for a relationship counsellor with understanding of autism. I have been trying to find one for the last 8 months. All I find are those saying "sure I understand autism, was part of my studies after all" but at the end of the day they search for "alternative hypothesis" such as trauma in childhood. Those counscellors who are profiled as autism-specialists are overbooked for the next 2 years unfortunately. I should have said, I am living in a small non-english speaking country, where the number of good counsellors is limited. Perhaps I need to search for those services online. Yes, I know it is not uncommon to overreact, be oversensitive, misinterpret. But you know, it is not that the NTs (I am not even sure I would call myself that, according to me everyone has "some" condition) are always calm open and able to cope with. I am also very tired, sick, taking care of child. Even though I have heard or read how to cope in those situations, often I just do not manage to.  

  • Oh God! As your wife finds answers, so will you. Sounds like she doesn't have a proper diagnosis yet. Let me just say I identify both with where she is and you are. 

    Meanwhile you need some support and it is unlikely you will find that via the NHS. You may need someone who is NT and yet ND informed. 

    You are right now doing all you can with your reading. That will help going forward. But main thing is now, your wife needs an assessment to understand herself  ....all other answers will follow.

  • Before I continue, I am saying this as an autistic female... As you have clearly done a lot of research, you will know that it's not uncommon for people on the spectrum to misinterpret things, be over-sensitive, overreact, etc.

    You are definitely not the only NT man to have an autistic wife, and to be struggling, even though it might seem that way to you.

    If it's a financially viable option, do you think your wife would be open to the idea of relationship counselling? - Ideally with a relationship counsellor that has an understanding of autism. Based on what you have said, it would seem the issue you're having revolves around communication. Maybe a relationship counsellor could assist in helping to bridge that gap.